Nick gave me a little plaque that says that for my birthday in 2004, along with the silver Humanity Bracelet. When he gave it to me, it was in a bag that said it was from his mom. But we talked about it a few months ago when he was here and he said that it was from him, but his mom couldn't afford to buy anything for me so he let her give it to me. I have it on the chest next to my bed, so it's the first thing I see when I wake up, and the last thing I see before I fall asleep.
I can't help but wonder if he still felt that way, even after all of the nasty things we said to one another. One of his last text messages to me said something along the lines of, "Well, at least now I am seeing the real you." My reply was, "Now you know that isn't true, Nick. You've hurt me more than I ever thought possible."
It made me realize that he really thought I was a good person, and that I had shattered that image with the nasty, overly emotional things I had said to him the last time we talked. I hope he hears me telling him how sorry I am, and how much I love and miss him.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Tomorrow?
No thank you.
I would seriously just like to skip it. I can't imagine not getting a phone call or text message from him. It didn't matter if we were angry with one another, on a "break", or just hadn't talked in a while for whatever reason, we ALWAYS talked on birthdays and holidays.
If I could fast forward to January, I would do it in a heartbeat. Maybe then I'd be one step closer to being okay. I try. I try really hard to be okay, to not think about it, and just when I start thinking I am doing a good job... Then the bottom breaks out.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Thursday, November 02, 2006
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable with the things I've written, or things I've said. I know you don't know what to say to me to make things better. Here's the thing, nothing you can say WILL make it better, or easier, but just knowing that you care about me, that I am in your thoughts and prayers, that's what I need. I guess I've felt like people have been avoiding me. Then again, maybe I've cut myself off. I've had so many offers to "just call/let me know if you need anything" and there have been so many times that I HAVE just wanted to talk, or just wanted a hug, or just wanted to get out and do something besides sit in my apartment surrounded by memories of him. But I pick up the phone and stare at it when those times hit me. It's like I'm frozen, unable to complete a phone call to anyone other than Krystal (who bless her heart has been my saving grace through all of this) or Kelley (who seems to know just when I need to talk, or cry). I've only talked to Denise twice since "it" happened. She's got so much going on, that she doesn't need my stuff to worry about.
Bear is getting BIG! He's in one of those weird growth spurts where is legs are too long for his body so he's really clumsy and goofy. He's SO smart, though. We're working on obedience training, which is trying my patience because he is stubborn as a mule. Also, I can't imagine the "music" Nick and Bear made sleeping in the same bed. I swear Bear snores as loud as Nick. When Nick came to visit me Memorial Day weekend, he was snoring so loud I got up and went to sleep on the couch. I got back in bed before he woke up, but when he walked out of the bedroom he saw the blanket on the couch he asked if I had slept on the couch. When I told him I had because of the snoring he felt awful and said, "Why didn't you just nudge me?". Nick was always a really heavy sleeper, his mom always had a hell of a time getting him up for school, and you should have heard the volume his alarm clock was set on! But all I had to do was nudge him, and say, "Baby?" and he'd say, "Sorry, Darlin'" and roll over, or ladle me. See, we didn't spoon, we ladled. The first time we ever slept together, and I mean SLEPT was January 17, 2004 (which was also our first date) we got in bed, kissed a little, okay, kissed A LOT, and then I rolled over and told him to spoon me. He had no idea what spooning was. So I cuddled into him, wrapped his arms around me and said, "THAT'S spooning." Well, he didn't think we were quite close enough, so he drew me closer, pulled his legs up, which pulled my legs up, and said, "We aren't going to spoon, we are going to ladle."
Bear is getting BIG! He's in one of those weird growth spurts where is legs are too long for his body so he's really clumsy and goofy. He's SO smart, though. We're working on obedience training, which is trying my patience because he is stubborn as a mule. Also, I can't imagine the "music" Nick and Bear made sleeping in the same bed. I swear Bear snores as loud as Nick. When Nick came to visit me Memorial Day weekend, he was snoring so loud I got up and went to sleep on the couch. I got back in bed before he woke up, but when he walked out of the bedroom he saw the blanket on the couch he asked if I had slept on the couch. When I told him I had because of the snoring he felt awful and said, "Why didn't you just nudge me?". Nick was always a really heavy sleeper, his mom always had a hell of a time getting him up for school, and you should have heard the volume his alarm clock was set on! But all I had to do was nudge him, and say, "Baby?" and he'd say, "Sorry, Darlin'" and roll over, or ladle me. See, we didn't spoon, we ladled. The first time we ever slept together, and I mean SLEPT was January 17, 2004 (which was also our first date) we got in bed, kissed a little, okay, kissed A LOT, and then I rolled over and told him to spoon me. He had no idea what spooning was. So I cuddled into him, wrapped his arms around me and said, "THAT'S spooning." Well, he didn't think we were quite close enough, so he drew me closer, pulled his legs up, which pulled my legs up, and said, "We aren't going to spoon, we are going to ladle."
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Would it be easier, or just different?
If Nick had died in an accident, or from cancer or something, would it be easier to deal with? Or understand?
I've only known one other person that committed suicide, and that was back in high school. I wasn't really close to him. I mean, we were friends. We were lab partners in photography, and while it was hard not having him in class after he died, I think it was easier to deal with because we had such a strong support system. I think we all helped each other through it, and it helped having people around that knew exactly what I was feeling because they were feeling the exact same thing for the most part.
Another friend attempted suicide in college, but was found in time. Thank God. And while I think she still suffers from depression, I don't think that she would ever put her family and friends through that again. At least I hope not since she has a husband and 2 children...
Back to the original thought of this entry- would I have all these questions if the circumstances surrounding his death were different? Would I still feel so guilty? Confused? Frustrated? Angry? There are times when I slip back into denial. Like I'll start to convince myself that he's not dead, that that was not him in the casket. Like he's Elvis or something... Boy, would he love that. He was an Elvis fanatic. I've never been a big Elvis fan, but his love for all things Elvis was one of his most endearing qualities. He had two Elvis pictures in his bathroom, and one of them was in front of the toilet. I used to give him a hard time and tell him that Elvis watched me when I was in the bathroom. He would grab me and throw me on the bed and tickle me, which would usually lead to other "stuff" and he'd tell me that Elvis could have only been so lucky.
He never cared what I looked like. Whether or not I had makeup on. how much weight I had gained since the last time I saw him. He always told me that he was so lucky to have me, and that he didn't deserve me, or my love. One of the last things he said to me the last time I saw him in July was, "You are so damn sexy, Darlin'." I was walking in front of him about to get into the elevator at the hotel. I turned around and he was blushing because he had kind of said it under his voice and I guess he didn't think I could hear him. Now, I could have maybe understood it if I had made any kind of an effort that morning, but I was prepared for an 8 hour car ride to Alabama so I was not looking my best. That picture of us, that was that morning. I had gotten out of the shower, thrown on minimal makeup, pulled my hair back while it was still wet, put on that cap, and was wearing jeans and a white sleeveless shirt. And that "Darlin'" part?
Made me melt. Everytime. That was his nickname for me. It wasn't necessarily the word, so much as it was the way he said it. I'd give anything to have that recorded somewhere so I could hear it again. I do have three messages saved that he'd left on my answering machine about two years ago... I don't know why I saved them, but I would listen to them before I'd go to bed almost everynight that I didn't actually talk to him. From the first time we talked on the phone, I knew that I wanted that voice to be the first I heard when I woke up, and the last I heard before I went to sleep.
I've only known one other person that committed suicide, and that was back in high school. I wasn't really close to him. I mean, we were friends. We were lab partners in photography, and while it was hard not having him in class after he died, I think it was easier to deal with because we had such a strong support system. I think we all helped each other through it, and it helped having people around that knew exactly what I was feeling because they were feeling the exact same thing for the most part.
Another friend attempted suicide in college, but was found in time. Thank God. And while I think she still suffers from depression, I don't think that she would ever put her family and friends through that again. At least I hope not since she has a husband and 2 children...
Back to the original thought of this entry- would I have all these questions if the circumstances surrounding his death were different? Would I still feel so guilty? Confused? Frustrated? Angry? There are times when I slip back into denial. Like I'll start to convince myself that he's not dead, that that was not him in the casket. Like he's Elvis or something... Boy, would he love that. He was an Elvis fanatic. I've never been a big Elvis fan, but his love for all things Elvis was one of his most endearing qualities. He had two Elvis pictures in his bathroom, and one of them was in front of the toilet. I used to give him a hard time and tell him that Elvis watched me when I was in the bathroom. He would grab me and throw me on the bed and tickle me, which would usually lead to other "stuff" and he'd tell me that Elvis could have only been so lucky.
He never cared what I looked like. Whether or not I had makeup on. how much weight I had gained since the last time I saw him. He always told me that he was so lucky to have me, and that he didn't deserve me, or my love. One of the last things he said to me the last time I saw him in July was, "You are so damn sexy, Darlin'." I was walking in front of him about to get into the elevator at the hotel. I turned around and he was blushing because he had kind of said it under his voice and I guess he didn't think I could hear him. Now, I could have maybe understood it if I had made any kind of an effort that morning, but I was prepared for an 8 hour car ride to Alabama so I was not looking my best. That picture of us, that was that morning. I had gotten out of the shower, thrown on minimal makeup, pulled my hair back while it was still wet, put on that cap, and was wearing jeans and a white sleeveless shirt. And that "Darlin'" part?
Made me melt. Everytime. That was his nickname for me. It wasn't necessarily the word, so much as it was the way he said it. I'd give anything to have that recorded somewhere so I could hear it again. I do have three messages saved that he'd left on my answering machine about two years ago... I don't know why I saved them, but I would listen to them before I'd go to bed almost everynight that I didn't actually talk to him. From the first time we talked on the phone, I knew that I wanted that voice to be the first I heard when I woke up, and the last I heard before I went to sleep.
Monday, October 30, 2006
2 steps forward.
3 steps back.
That's what this weekend was. I'd been doing "okay", then Saturday I had a complete breakdown. We were sailing. And listening to Bob Seger. "Main Street" was playing. It hit me like a ton of bricks out of the clear blue sky.
It was like, all of a sudden, I realized he was gone. That I was never going to see him again. That I was never going to smell him again, other than the jacket that I took of his (but he had washed it recently. I wonder if he knew I was going to want it, and he didn't want it to "smell the smoke"). Or have him nuzzled up next to me in bed. Or kiss him, and have him kiss me more passionately than I have ever been kissed. Or go riding on the back roads in Oberlin sharing a six pack of Bud Light, even though he preferred Coors Light. Or feel the butterflies everytime I would pull into Oberlin, or when he would pull up outside my house.
I loved him so much. More than I ever thought possible. More than I think I will ever love anyone. We had been together about a month when my mother and I drove to Lake Charles, and I was taking her truck from there to Oberlin to stay with Nick. She asked me how things were going with us and I said, "Great. But how is it that being with someone can make me so happy, and being without that same person can make me so miserable?" I don't remember exactly what she told me, I just remember it was something I didn't want to hear and that it pissed me off. What I said held true for two and a half years. When we were together, we were happy. Genuinely happy. My mood would turn sour the closer we got to leaving one another. He would tilt my chin up with his finger, kiss me on the tip of my nose, and say everything would be okay, that we'd see each other again soon. I don't think there was a single time that I'd leave Oberlin, or that he would leave my place that I wouldn't cry. He hated seeing me cry. He would wipe away my tears and hold me tight, and sniff my hair to make me laugh. He always loved the way I smelled. I loved the way he smelled, too. Anytime I would sniff him he would get embarrassed and tell me to stop because he thought he smelled like smoke. He never did, though, which was strange because he smoked a lot. I'd give anything to smell him again.
That's what this weekend was. I'd been doing "okay", then Saturday I had a complete breakdown. We were sailing. And listening to Bob Seger. "Main Street" was playing. It hit me like a ton of bricks out of the clear blue sky.
It was like, all of a sudden, I realized he was gone. That I was never going to see him again. That I was never going to smell him again, other than the jacket that I took of his (but he had washed it recently. I wonder if he knew I was going to want it, and he didn't want it to "smell the smoke"). Or have him nuzzled up next to me in bed. Or kiss him, and have him kiss me more passionately than I have ever been kissed. Or go riding on the back roads in Oberlin sharing a six pack of Bud Light, even though he preferred Coors Light. Or feel the butterflies everytime I would pull into Oberlin, or when he would pull up outside my house.
I loved him so much. More than I ever thought possible. More than I think I will ever love anyone. We had been together about a month when my mother and I drove to Lake Charles, and I was taking her truck from there to Oberlin to stay with Nick. She asked me how things were going with us and I said, "Great. But how is it that being with someone can make me so happy, and being without that same person can make me so miserable?" I don't remember exactly what she told me, I just remember it was something I didn't want to hear and that it pissed me off. What I said held true for two and a half years. When we were together, we were happy. Genuinely happy. My mood would turn sour the closer we got to leaving one another. He would tilt my chin up with his finger, kiss me on the tip of my nose, and say everything would be okay, that we'd see each other again soon. I don't think there was a single time that I'd leave Oberlin, or that he would leave my place that I wouldn't cry. He hated seeing me cry. He would wipe away my tears and hold me tight, and sniff my hair to make me laugh. He always loved the way I smelled. I loved the way he smelled, too. Anytime I would sniff him he would get embarrassed and tell me to stop because he thought he smelled like smoke. He never did, though, which was strange because he smoked a lot. I'd give anything to smell him again.
Friday, October 27, 2006
"X" marks the spot.
Now I realize this may be morbid, but I had to know where he did it. Turns out there are three tanks, not two. And the catwalk runs across the left of all three. The ladder to get up to the catwalk is at the end of the tank at the bottom, and he did it at the end of the catwalk at the tank on the top. He used a tie down strap. You know, the kind with the ratchet on it? It was red.
I found out a little more information. Apparently, he tried carbon monoxide first. There was a tube/hose attached to his tailpipe, with something taped over it/stuffed into it to try to force the CO into the cab of his truck. I'm sure he either got frustrated because it wasn't working fast enough, or he got sick from it and couldn't stand it any longer.
Also, you know how they say that people hang themselves because it's quick since it typically breaks the person's neck? His neck wasn't broken. How long did he hang there, suffering? Did he try to get out of the rope? Krystal and I figured out that he couldn't have been more than a foot or two off the ground, so the fall probably wouldn't have hurt him. Why didn't one of the knots fail? Why didn't he use too much strap and his feet hit the ground?
I'm making a trip to Oberlin in the next couple of weeks. I'm going out to where he did it. Krystal said she's going with me, that she won't let me go alone. She said that there are several people that want to go, but most of them don't think they can just yet.. I don't know if I'd rather go alone, with Krystal, or with some of Nick's friends...
Thursday, October 26, 2006
The Guilt.
I'd have to say that the guilt has been the worst emotion I've felt through this.
I feel guilty because I am apparently the only one who knew Nick was having issues with depression. I begged him to get help, to go talk to someone, or to see his Dr and get on meds, but he wouldn't hear of it and got very angry anytime the subject came up. At one point, I told him I was going to tell his mother and he told me that if I did that he would never speak to me again. My selfish needs of keeping him in my life kept me from telling his mother, who could have possibly talked him into getting help since they lived in the same house and she saw him everyday.
I feel guilty because of the hateful things I said to him the last time we talked. I've definitely learned my lesson on that. After our last conversation, I chalked my anger up to the Lupron I was on, but can I really use that as an excuse? I know now that there is never an acceptable reason for saying such hateful things.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
My Immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along
by Evanescence
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along
by Evanescence
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Can I get off this rollercoaster now?
If you know me, then you know that I can be moody, but this is getting ridiculous. One minute I am sad, then angry, then frustrated, then confused, then overwhelmed. And well, the list goes on.
I'm not sure how many people know exactly what happened, so I'll just put it out there. Nick took his life sometime between 2 and 3 am Sunday, October 8, 2006. He went out to a dead-end road somewhere on the outskirts of Oberlin, LA (where he lived) and he hung himself from a catwalk between two storage tanks. That's the image I keep seeing when I think of him. Not the handsome man that I last saw walking through the parking lot of the Microtel on Lake Street in Lake Charles on July 22, 2006. Not the handsome man who would have done anything in the world for me, whether or not we were together. Not the handsome man who always put everyone before himself, even if it was someone he didn't even know.
Some of you know that Nick and I had a huge fight a couple of months ago, but you might not know exactly what the fight was about. I had finally worked up the nerve to ask him if there was someone else. I'm not sure why, but I just had this feeling that there was. His answer, "I am talking to someone. JUST talking." The first part of this was via text messages. As soon as I got that I called him. I was furious. He swore to me that they were just talking, that nothing physical had happened. Well, I found out last week that he had lied to me about her working at his mother's restaurant (he said she didn't, but she did), so why should I believe what he told me about the status/depth of their relationship? I felt like I had been betrayed, deceived. We had just been together the weekend before. He had gotten a room at "our" hotel the night before I left for Alabama and we had an amazing night together. Then again, anytime we were together was amazing. All I could think was, "Did he wish it were her, and not me that night?". The discussion turned heated, and hateful words were exchanged. I ended up hanging up on him. The last time I heard his voice was at 11:52 August 1st. It's strange that I remember such details, I do realize this, but that's how my brain works. Back to 'that girl'… and it turns out that she IS 'that girl'. She's engaged. To some guy in the Military who is stationed in Germany. Nice, huh? She showed up at the funeral looking like a total tramp. She had on black pants, a maroon camisole with black lace at the top with a white bra, straps showing and everything. I didn't see her until we were at the cemetery, and I wasn't sure exactly who she was before then, but as soon as I saw her walk up, I knew she was the one. She was one of the last people to get there, and stayed pretty far away from everyone else. Apparently, everyone in Oberlin thinks she's trashy. Now, I know all of this sounds really catty, but I really don't care. The police questioned her the day he died, and she lied about the last time she had seen him or talked to him. She went to his mom
s house sometime last week and told the "truth". They saw each other Friday and he told her that he was giving her space and time to decide what she wanted. He had closed his bank account Thursday, and had wrapped up a few other loose ends. So he had apparently been planning on killing himself that weekend. I had refused to believe that he had planned it ahead of time, until I found out about the closed account and the other stuff. I thought he had just had too much to drink while driving around and got sad, which he tended to do when he drank too much, and just decided to do it in the moment.
I have so many questions. And I know that having answers wouldn't make it any easier, but I just can't stop thinking about it. It's like I'm obsessed. I don't want to be, but the only time I am not thinking about it is when I am sleeping (thank God for Advil PM).
Did he love her?
Did he tell her that he loved her?
Does she know what he wanted to be "when he grew up"? That he didn't actually want to be an electrician?
Does she know what kind of shampoo he used? Or soap? Or face wash?
Does she know his quirky habit of getting the excess water off of his arms, back, chest and legs before drying off with a towel?
Did she notice that his hair wasn't fixed how he would have fixed it when he in his casket?
Or that his ring was on the wrong hand?
Or that he would have been so angry to have had a rosary in his hands?
What was he listening to before he got out of his truck and did it? I have a feeling I know, but if it's this one other song, I would throw up.
Was he drinking beer or margaritas before he did it? One thing I know is that he had to have been drinking or he wouldn't have been able to do it.
In two and half years we had some amazingly good times. We had more than our share of bad, but it seemed like no matter what, if we were together, we were happy. Just seeing his face, hearing his voice, could turn my day around.
I want him back.
I need to apologize just one more time. What if he died and hadn't forgiven me?
I'm not sure how many people know exactly what happened, so I'll just put it out there. Nick took his life sometime between 2 and 3 am Sunday, October 8, 2006. He went out to a dead-end road somewhere on the outskirts of Oberlin, LA (where he lived) and he hung himself from a catwalk between two storage tanks. That's the image I keep seeing when I think of him. Not the handsome man that I last saw walking through the parking lot of the Microtel on Lake Street in Lake Charles on July 22, 2006. Not the handsome man who would have done anything in the world for me, whether or not we were together. Not the handsome man who always put everyone before himself, even if it was someone he didn't even know.
Some of you know that Nick and I had a huge fight a couple of months ago, but you might not know exactly what the fight was about. I had finally worked up the nerve to ask him if there was someone else. I'm not sure why, but I just had this feeling that there was. His answer, "I am talking to someone. JUST talking." The first part of this was via text messages. As soon as I got that I called him. I was furious. He swore to me that they were just talking, that nothing physical had happened. Well, I found out last week that he had lied to me about her working at his mother's restaurant (he said she didn't, but she did), so why should I believe what he told me about the status/depth of their relationship? I felt like I had been betrayed, deceived. We had just been together the weekend before. He had gotten a room at "our" hotel the night before I left for Alabama and we had an amazing night together. Then again, anytime we were together was amazing. All I could think was, "Did he wish it were her, and not me that night?". The discussion turned heated, and hateful words were exchanged. I ended up hanging up on him. The last time I heard his voice was at 11:52 August 1st. It's strange that I remember such details, I do realize this, but that's how my brain works. Back to 'that girl'… and it turns out that she IS 'that girl'. She's engaged. To some guy in the Military who is stationed in Germany. Nice, huh? She showed up at the funeral looking like a total tramp. She had on black pants, a maroon camisole with black lace at the top with a white bra, straps showing and everything. I didn't see her until we were at the cemetery, and I wasn't sure exactly who she was before then, but as soon as I saw her walk up, I knew she was the one. She was one of the last people to get there, and stayed pretty far away from everyone else. Apparently, everyone in Oberlin thinks she's trashy. Now, I know all of this sounds really catty, but I really don't care. The police questioned her the day he died, and she lied about the last time she had seen him or talked to him. She went to his mom
s house sometime last week and told the "truth". They saw each other Friday and he told her that he was giving her space and time to decide what she wanted. He had closed his bank account Thursday, and had wrapped up a few other loose ends. So he had apparently been planning on killing himself that weekend. I had refused to believe that he had planned it ahead of time, until I found out about the closed account and the other stuff. I thought he had just had too much to drink while driving around and got sad, which he tended to do when he drank too much, and just decided to do it in the moment.
I have so many questions. And I know that having answers wouldn't make it any easier, but I just can't stop thinking about it. It's like I'm obsessed. I don't want to be, but the only time I am not thinking about it is when I am sleeping (thank God for Advil PM).
Did he love her?
Did he tell her that he loved her?
Does she know what he wanted to be "when he grew up"? That he didn't actually want to be an electrician?
Does she know what kind of shampoo he used? Or soap? Or face wash?
Does she know his quirky habit of getting the excess water off of his arms, back, chest and legs before drying off with a towel?
Did she notice that his hair wasn't fixed how he would have fixed it when he in his casket?
Or that his ring was on the wrong hand?
Or that he would have been so angry to have had a rosary in his hands?
What was he listening to before he got out of his truck and did it? I have a feeling I know, but if it's this one other song, I would throw up.
Was he drinking beer or margaritas before he did it? One thing I know is that he had to have been drinking or he wouldn't have been able to do it.
In two and half years we had some amazingly good times. We had more than our share of bad, but it seemed like no matter what, if we were together, we were happy. Just seeing his face, hearing his voice, could turn my day around.
I want him back.
I need to apologize just one more time. What if he died and hadn't forgiven me?
Friday, October 13, 2006
That day.
I got the call at around 3:00 Sunday. I was about halfway home from Dallas when my phone rang. It was a LA number that I didn't recognize, so I just let it go to voicemail. I called and checked the voicemail shortly after and the message was from Krystal, Nick's best friend since they were born, literally. I could tell she was upset and crying, all she said was, "Hey Nicci, this is Krystal, I need you to call me back." I debated about calling right then, or waiting until I got home (my battery was really low since my phone hadn't been charged since Saturday morning). I figured the call was about Nick's mom or grandmother since his mom isn't in the best health, and his grandmother is pretty old, and I thought that he just couldn't call me himself... I decided to call her back right then. I never, in a million years, would have been able to prepare myself for the news.
She answered and I said, "What happened?"
She said, "He's gone. Nick's gone. He died."
I have no idea what I said at this point. Everything is/was fuzzy from this point, until I got home at 5:30.
I was driving down I-45 and the traffic was pretty thick, I was in the left lane and was trying to get over to the shoulder but it took me a while to get over there. I told her to hold on and put the phone down so I could make it to the shoulder without hitting another car. When I picked the phone back up, I told her to tell me exactly what happened. I figured he had been in a car accident, or had been killed while working (he was an electrician). When she told me what happened, I didn't believe her. I couldn't believe her. I mean, how could he leave us? Leave his mom? Leave his grandmother? Leave me? Leave everyone that loved him so much? How??
She asked me if I was okay because right then, all I could do was be pissed off. I wasn't sad. I was mad. Angry. I knew my phone was about to go dead so I said I would call her when I got home, and she asked me if I was sure I could make it the rest of the way home… I wasn't sure I could, but I didn't really have a choice. After we hung up, I lost it. Then I got it back together, called my sister who didn't answer, called my BIL, Lance, and all he said was, "I'm so sorry." He already knew. He is the reason Nick and I met. Nick was his apprentice from early 2003-mid 2005 when he turned out. A guy he worked with who lived in Oberlin, the same town as Nick, had already heard about it. Small town USA, I tell you. He asked me where I was, I told him halfway between Houston and Dallas. Then my phone started beeping. I started to tell him that my battery was about to run out, I had to go so I could save some for just in case. No luck. The battery ran out, and there was nothing left. My phone wouldn't turn on.
I really feel like it was for the best, though. Had I been able to talk to my sister, my mom, or Denise, I would not have made it home. I made it the rest of the way home and as soon as I walked in the door and sat down, it was all over. I lost it. I wanted to go back to being numb, to being the way I was in car. I didn't want to be sad. I didn't want to cry so hard I couldn't breathe.
I plugged my phone in, turned it on, and the voicemails started rolling in. Several from my sister, a couple from my mom and a couple from my boss/mom's best friend, Carolyn. They were all worried about me, knowing that I was probably driving when I got the news. My sister had called Carolyn who drove to my place, and over to the office to see if I was back in town yet. I called my sister first, and all she could say was, "I am so sorry." Then I called my mom. She didn't know what to say, or what to do. She asked me if I wanted her to come over and I said I didn't know. She said she and Laird were on there way and were going to stop and get me something to eat, even though I told her I wasn't hungry. Then I called Carolyn and left a message on her voicemail.
I called Krystal to check on her and Ms. Aline (Nick's mom), and to see if the arrangements had been finalized yet. In Oberlin, they do these things really fast. It's not at all unusual for the funeral to be the day after someone has passed, unless it's a Catholic family (Ms. Aline is Catholic, Nick had not been a practicing Catholic for years), in which case there's the Rosary the night before the funeral. They were at the funeral home making the arrangements, Ms. Aline had just picked out the casket, and was trying to figure out what clothes she was going to put Nick in. She couldn't have chosen a more appropriate casket, or clothes for him to wear…as he would have been proud that he looked so handsome, and that the casket is probably something he would have chosen for himself.
I spent the next hour trying to decide when I was going to drive to Lake Charles. My sister wanted me to drive in Sunday night, but my mom and Carolyn thought it would be best if I didn't get back on the road. I was pretty certain that I could not get back in the car for another 2 hours, and make it safely. I decided it was probably best me to head to Lake Charles early Monday morning. I finally got a hold of Denise on the phone and I could barely talk. She came over, thank God. I don't think I could have been alone that evening. All I could see was Nick. Dead. The way he died. I still see that image, I doubt I will ever be able to erase that image, as much as I might want to.
I'm done for now. These blogs are probably going to center around this pretty heavily for a while. I've just got to work through it, and writing it out is the only way I know to do that.
She answered and I said, "What happened?"
She said, "He's gone. Nick's gone. He died."
I have no idea what I said at this point. Everything is/was fuzzy from this point, until I got home at 5:30.
I was driving down I-45 and the traffic was pretty thick, I was in the left lane and was trying to get over to the shoulder but it took me a while to get over there. I told her to hold on and put the phone down so I could make it to the shoulder without hitting another car. When I picked the phone back up, I told her to tell me exactly what happened. I figured he had been in a car accident, or had been killed while working (he was an electrician). When she told me what happened, I didn't believe her. I couldn't believe her. I mean, how could he leave us? Leave his mom? Leave his grandmother? Leave me? Leave everyone that loved him so much? How??
She asked me if I was okay because right then, all I could do was be pissed off. I wasn't sad. I was mad. Angry. I knew my phone was about to go dead so I said I would call her when I got home, and she asked me if I was sure I could make it the rest of the way home… I wasn't sure I could, but I didn't really have a choice. After we hung up, I lost it. Then I got it back together, called my sister who didn't answer, called my BIL, Lance, and all he said was, "I'm so sorry." He already knew. He is the reason Nick and I met. Nick was his apprentice from early 2003-mid 2005 when he turned out. A guy he worked with who lived in Oberlin, the same town as Nick, had already heard about it. Small town USA, I tell you. He asked me where I was, I told him halfway between Houston and Dallas. Then my phone started beeping. I started to tell him that my battery was about to run out, I had to go so I could save some for just in case. No luck. The battery ran out, and there was nothing left. My phone wouldn't turn on.
I really feel like it was for the best, though. Had I been able to talk to my sister, my mom, or Denise, I would not have made it home. I made it the rest of the way home and as soon as I walked in the door and sat down, it was all over. I lost it. I wanted to go back to being numb, to being the way I was in car. I didn't want to be sad. I didn't want to cry so hard I couldn't breathe.
I plugged my phone in, turned it on, and the voicemails started rolling in. Several from my sister, a couple from my mom and a couple from my boss/mom's best friend, Carolyn. They were all worried about me, knowing that I was probably driving when I got the news. My sister had called Carolyn who drove to my place, and over to the office to see if I was back in town yet. I called my sister first, and all she could say was, "I am so sorry." Then I called my mom. She didn't know what to say, or what to do. She asked me if I wanted her to come over and I said I didn't know. She said she and Laird were on there way and were going to stop and get me something to eat, even though I told her I wasn't hungry. Then I called Carolyn and left a message on her voicemail.
I called Krystal to check on her and Ms. Aline (Nick's mom), and to see if the arrangements had been finalized yet. In Oberlin, they do these things really fast. It's not at all unusual for the funeral to be the day after someone has passed, unless it's a Catholic family (Ms. Aline is Catholic, Nick had not been a practicing Catholic for years), in which case there's the Rosary the night before the funeral. They were at the funeral home making the arrangements, Ms. Aline had just picked out the casket, and was trying to figure out what clothes she was going to put Nick in. She couldn't have chosen a more appropriate casket, or clothes for him to wear…as he would have been proud that he looked so handsome, and that the casket is probably something he would have chosen for himself.
I spent the next hour trying to decide when I was going to drive to Lake Charles. My sister wanted me to drive in Sunday night, but my mom and Carolyn thought it would be best if I didn't get back on the road. I was pretty certain that I could not get back in the car for another 2 hours, and make it safely. I decided it was probably best me to head to Lake Charles early Monday morning. I finally got a hold of Denise on the phone and I could barely talk. She came over, thank God. I don't think I could have been alone that evening. All I could see was Nick. Dead. The way he died. I still see that image, I doubt I will ever be able to erase that image, as much as I might want to.
I'm done for now. These blogs are probably going to center around this pretty heavily for a while. I've just got to work through it, and writing it out is the only way I know to do that.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Thank you, Dr. K. Thank you.
So I called my Dr's office the other day to talk to the nurse about an "issue". She called me back and we discussed said issue, and she really didn't have an answer so she was going through my file and kind of started reading some of his notes out loud. He had actually written the following in my chart: "To begin continuous birth control after Lupron Depot cycle. No prospect of marriage or pregnancy in the near future. Possibly repeat Lupron Depot in 6-12 months, or after next laparoscopy."
Seriously?
Seriously.
Talk about adding insult to injury. I mean, I know all of this, but to have my Dr. actually make note of it in my chart was just depressing.
Ugh.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Stuck.
I keep thinking of blogs I could post, but I don't.
I feel stuck.
Stagnate.
And I don't like it.
I feel like I want to shake things up, but do I really want to?
It doesn't make sense.
I know.
I feel stuck.
Stagnate.
And I don't like it.
I feel like I want to shake things up, but do I really want to?
It doesn't make sense.
I know.
Friday, August 11, 2006
So done.
That's right. I am so done being the one to put myself out there in friendships. My time is better spent with friends who reciprocate what I give. Is it always going to be 50/50? No. But I am not going to continue settling for 90% on my end, and 5% on theirs. You're thinking that math doesn't add up, aren't you? Well it does. That extra 5% is just out there. That extra 5% is when I TRY to STOP trying.
Quality, not quantity, people.
Quality, not quantity, people.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
It can only get better, right?
Some of you may have read my other blog, if so, this isn't really new news for you.
Pete, my mom's ex, died on July 24th after a year long battle with kidney cancer. A lot of people have asked how my vacation went, and I feel awful when I say that it was horrible, but it was. I got the call that he had taken a major turn for the worse the night before and that they were only giving him another week or so. You can imagine my surprise when we got the call that he passed away the next day. I was able to get home in time for the Memorial Service, for which I am very grateful. I owed Pete so much. I doubt he knew just how much he meant to me, how much I appreciate everything he ever did for me. He taught me to drive. He wiped the tears off my cheeks when I was 16 and broken hearted convinced that I would "never find a love like that again!". The drama, I know. "Men are like busses," he said, "another one will be around the corner in 15 minutes". He also never told my mom about a $400 cell phone bill I ran up when I was 17 talking to my (then) boyfriend Craig who had gone back to ERAU in
I felt so guilty for not being here, and not only because of Pete, but because of Owen, too.
Owen finally got out of the hospital but still has the tracheotomy. They had doctor appointments yesterday to see about having it removed and got some pretty heartbreaking news. It won't be removed for AT LEAST another 5 weeks. I guess it's good news that they think it WILL eventually be removed, right? Denise was telling me that they went to Worship on Sunday and Owen saw someone looking at him so he put the Church Bulletin up so he couldn't anyone, and so they couldn't see him. How sad is that? A 3 and a half year old being so self conscious is enough to break your heart.
And you know how they say bad things happen in 3s? Well, the third was something I was not expecting. I found out the man I've been "seeing" for 2 and half years has been "talking" to someone else. I probably would not have handled it so bad if he had been honest with me as soon as he started talking to her. The last time we were together was the Friday before I left for
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Come out, come out wherever you are...
I checked out my statcounter this morning. 60 something visits yesterday and today? Who are you? Tell me.
Pretty please with sugar on top?
Pretty please with sugar on top?
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Men are like busses...
There's another one coming around the corner every 15 minutes.
That's what my (ex) step-father told me when I was 16 and was convinced I was going to die of a broken heart, and that I would never find "a love like that again". Ha. I know.
I remember I chuckled through my tears a little. I wish he was here to wipe my tears away, and tell me that again, but he died last Monday of cancer.
It's been a rotten, no good, very bad 2 weeks. What's that they say about bad things happening in threes? Between Owen's ordeal, Pete dying, and the crushing feeling I am having in my chest from last night, I don't know that I could take much more right now.
If I delete posts, will that make it easier?
That's what my (ex) step-father told me when I was 16 and was convinced I was going to die of a broken heart, and that I would never find "a love like that again". Ha. I know.
I remember I chuckled through my tears a little. I wish he was here to wipe my tears away, and tell me that again, but he died last Monday of cancer.
It's been a rotten, no good, very bad 2 weeks. What's that they say about bad things happening in threes? Between Owen's ordeal, Pete dying, and the crushing feeling I am having in my chest from last night, I don't know that I could take much more right now.
If I delete posts, will that make it easier?
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
And the Best Aunt of the Year award goes to:
Me!
I had my nieces, Cameron and Averie, as well as Hannah, one of their friends, this weekend.
Friday we went to McDonalds for Happy Meals and play time:
And they got free ice cream cones for being so cute and well behaved:
Then we went to the park to tire them out:
Cameron
Averie
Hannah
And it worked like a charm:
Saturday morning we went to Brayden's first birthday party. Best damn birthday cake EVER.
We went to see Cars after the party, went to the wave pool after Cars, and went to the park after the wave pool.
Then we went home, bathed, ate dinner and made brownies.
The were all asleep by 10:00 pm, thank goodness! I don't think I could have gone another minute! Sunday we all went for an early lunch at Joe's and the kids headed back to Lake Charles with their parents. I think my 3 hour nap was WELL DESERVED on Sunday!
I can't wait for July 21st-29th when I have an entire week at the beach with them.
I had my nieces, Cameron and Averie, as well as Hannah, one of their friends, this weekend.
Friday we went to McDonalds for Happy Meals and play time:
And they got free ice cream cones for being so cute and well behaved:
Then we went to the park to tire them out:
Cameron
Averie
Hannah
And it worked like a charm:
Saturday morning we went to Brayden's first birthday party. Best damn birthday cake EVER.
We went to see Cars after the party, went to the wave pool after Cars, and went to the park after the wave pool.
Then we went home, bathed, ate dinner and made brownies.
The were all asleep by 10:00 pm, thank goodness! I don't think I could have gone another minute! Sunday we all went for an early lunch at Joe's and the kids headed back to Lake Charles with their parents. I think my 3 hour nap was WELL DESERVED on Sunday!
I can't wait for July 21st-29th when I have an entire week at the beach with them.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Going Away
Lately I'm feeling kinda broken,
like a man out of sorts with the world,
and I ain't got no explanation,
and if I did I know I'd sound absurd.
I can't change a thing no matter what I do,
and you don't care what I say,
I can't hide the pain anymore,
ohhh I'm going away.
I just need a way to keep the rain out,
to land with my both feet on the ground,
but every time I go to stand up on my own,
you come along, you come along and knock me down.
I can't change a thing no matter what I do,
and you don't care what I say,
I can't hide the pain anymore,
ohhh I'm going away.
Maybe I'll break out for the mountains,
or maybe I'll head for Mexico,
then you come in beggin' pleading,
you said baby please don't leave me,
but I've made up my mind,
I've made up my mind it's time to go.
Lately I'm feeling kinda broken,
like a man out of sorts with the world,
and I ain't got no explanation,
and if I did I know I'd sound absurd.
I can't change a thing no matter what I do,
and you don't care what I say,
I can't hide the pain anymore,
ohhh I'm going away.
I just need a way to keep the rain out,
to land with my both feet on the ground,
but every time I go to stand up on my own,
you come along, you come along and knock me down.
I can't change a thing no matter what I do,
and you don't care what I say,
I can't hide the pain anymore,
ohhh I'm going away.
Maybe I'll break out for the mountains,
or maybe I'll head for Mexico,
then you come in beggin' pleading,
you said baby please don't leave me,
but I've made up my mind,
I've made up my mind it's time to go.
Monday, June 26, 2006
I'M MELTING
Is it possible for your skin to melt off? Because I am pretty sure mine is. If I were outside where it's 90 degrees + I could understand being so damn hot. But I am in my office with the thermostat at 72 and I am so freaking hot. My hands are so sweaty, and I feel like I am sitting on a heating pad.
Guess it's time to break out the ice packs and desk fan.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Good thing it didn't say "Ms. Piggy"
I'd have plunged from atop the Kemah bridge.
| You Are Scooter |
 Brainy and knowledgable, you are the perfect sidekick. You're always willing to lend a helping hand. In any big event or party, you're the one who keeps things going. "15 seconds to showtime!" |
Friday, June 16, 2006
Today is officially...
Hug a menopausal woman day.
I had my first really bad bout with night sweats last night. Woke me up at 2:00 am, didn't get back to sleep until sometime around 5:30 am, only to have to get up at 7:00 am for work. It was disgusting. I had to take a shower and then I couldn't get back to sleep so I read for a while. I am also increasingly emotional. I am pretty much always hyper-sensitive, but this is ridiculous.
A couple of things people can do to help me out:
1. If I say I can't do something, whether it's because I can't afford it or if I am not feeling well, please don't tell me I suck, and please don't be angry with me. This is hard enough. And trust me, I would much rather be out having fun with people who make me laugh and smile, than sitting at home twiddling my thumbs with nothing to do.
2. If I am upset at the prospect of not having children, please don't let the first words out of your mouth be "You can always adopt". I know this is an option, but very few people understand just how desperately I want to conceive a child with a man I love, and experience pregnancy and childbirth. I know it's hard for people to understand, and I honestly don't expect anyone to understand if they haven't been through any of this themselves.
Well, I really thought there were more than two situations I wanted to address...but I've lost my train of thought which also happens fairly often these days. This is not meant for just one or two people. It's meant for just about everyone I know, including people who will probably never read it. I wish I could just tell people what I think when they've upset me or hurt my feelings but I can't. I have not ever been able to do that until it gets to the point where I am going to explode and just write off the friendship completely. I realize that I should not let it get so bad, but bottling things up is just what I do.
So, I guess I should include an update of sorts.
Nick: He did, in fact, come to see me over Memorial Day weekend. We had a good time. If nothing else, I got a ceiling fan and a programmable thermostat out of the visit. If you don't have a programmable thermostat, you should really get one. They are the neatest things ever and I have already seen a pretty big savings on my electric bill. He won't be able to come back here for at least a month because he is working 6-12s...
Lupron: I am a little more than 2 months into the treatment and I am scheduled to get my second of the two three month injections on July 3rd. Did that make sense?... Probably not. The side effects I am finding most difficult to deal with are the weight gain/swelling, lethargy, insomnia, bone/joint pain (esp. in my hands, shins, ankles and feet), hot flashes/night sweats, tachycardia(rapid heart beat), dizziness and mood swings/bouts of anger. I know that all of these should subside sometime around the end of October, so I am just looking forward to that and trying not to get too down in the meantime.
Here are some links to pictures from the last couple of weekends:
6/9-10 My cousin's wedding/Grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary in Lake Charles
6/2-4 Ryan Turner and the weekend of sailing
5/28-29 Nick and Bear
Well, that's it I guess. Not very exciting. Sorry....
I had my first really bad bout with night sweats last night. Woke me up at 2:00 am, didn't get back to sleep until sometime around 5:30 am, only to have to get up at 7:00 am for work. It was disgusting. I had to take a shower and then I couldn't get back to sleep so I read for a while. I am also increasingly emotional. I am pretty much always hyper-sensitive, but this is ridiculous.
A couple of things people can do to help me out:
1. If I say I can't do something, whether it's because I can't afford it or if I am not feeling well, please don't tell me I suck, and please don't be angry with me. This is hard enough. And trust me, I would much rather be out having fun with people who make me laugh and smile, than sitting at home twiddling my thumbs with nothing to do.
2. If I am upset at the prospect of not having children, please don't let the first words out of your mouth be "You can always adopt". I know this is an option, but very few people understand just how desperately I want to conceive a child with a man I love, and experience pregnancy and childbirth. I know it's hard for people to understand, and I honestly don't expect anyone to understand if they haven't been through any of this themselves.
Well, I really thought there were more than two situations I wanted to address...but I've lost my train of thought which also happens fairly often these days. This is not meant for just one or two people. It's meant for just about everyone I know, including people who will probably never read it. I wish I could just tell people what I think when they've upset me or hurt my feelings but I can't. I have not ever been able to do that until it gets to the point where I am going to explode and just write off the friendship completely. I realize that I should not let it get so bad, but bottling things up is just what I do.
So, I guess I should include an update of sorts.
Nick: He did, in fact, come to see me over Memorial Day weekend. We had a good time. If nothing else, I got a ceiling fan and a programmable thermostat out of the visit. If you don't have a programmable thermostat, you should really get one. They are the neatest things ever and I have already seen a pretty big savings on my electric bill. He won't be able to come back here for at least a month because he is working 6-12s...
Lupron: I am a little more than 2 months into the treatment and I am scheduled to get my second of the two three month injections on July 3rd. Did that make sense?... Probably not. The side effects I am finding most difficult to deal with are the weight gain/swelling, lethargy, insomnia, bone/joint pain (esp. in my hands, shins, ankles and feet), hot flashes/night sweats, tachycardia(rapid heart beat), dizziness and mood swings/bouts of anger. I know that all of these should subside sometime around the end of October, so I am just looking forward to that and trying not to get too down in the meantime.
Here are some links to pictures from the last couple of weekends:
6/9-10 My cousin's wedding/Grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary in Lake Charles
6/2-4 Ryan Turner and the weekend of sailing
5/28-29 Nick and Bear
Well, that's it I guess. Not very exciting. Sorry....
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Happy news.
He's coming to see me this weekend. Hopefully Saturday, but definitely Sunday-Monday evening. He hasn't been here in about a year and half. I have no idea what we'll do. The chance for rain keeps increasing for Sunday. I guess I wouldn't really mind if we have to hole up in the apartment for a couple of days. I'm sure we could find some way to entertain one another...
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
I give up.
One of my friends from high school has been trying to lose weight. I know that I look like I don't know ANYTHING about fitness, and I would understand such treatment if she didn't know my background. But she does, and the way she treats me, and the advice I offer her, with total disregard really upsets me. I mean, she knows that I have my Master of Arts Degree(as well as my Bachelor of Science Degree) in Fitness and Human Performance, yet she still checks with a friend of hers who has only gained "knowledge" through magazines. And we all know that you can believe EVERYTHING you read in magazines such as "Muscle and Fiction(Fitness)"
It shouldn't bother me so much, but it does.
In other news...
I am making a lot of effort to lose the weight I have gained since the endo started really affecting my daily life. I am sure there are people out there who are saying "excuses, excuses". Well, I could give two shits about anyone saying that because I would bet my right arm that anyone saying that has never been in some kind of pain just about every day for the last two years. And you know something else that is really bothering me these days? The people who say, "Oh, I know what you mean about cramps." It's all I can do to bite my tongue and not say, "OH, do you? You have cramps, what, two or three days a MONTH? Try having those cramps 9.5 days out of 10, then we'll talk."
Back to the weight loss thing. Before the endo was at its worst, beginning in April 2004, I had lost 48 pounds. I was down to 160 from my highest weight ever which was 208 (I am sure everyone who reads this could do the math, but you never really know.... ;-) ) From the time of my first surgery, to the second one, I gained about 30 pounds. 30 pounds in about a year. Ridiculous. I beat myself up on a daily basis. I was about 2/3 of the way to my original goal of 135 pounds. I'll get there though. I will. Period.
It shouldn't bother me so much, but it does.
In other news...
I am making a lot of effort to lose the weight I have gained since the endo started really affecting my daily life. I am sure there are people out there who are saying "excuses, excuses". Well, I could give two shits about anyone saying that because I would bet my right arm that anyone saying that has never been in some kind of pain just about every day for the last two years. And you know something else that is really bothering me these days? The people who say, "Oh, I know what you mean about cramps." It's all I can do to bite my tongue and not say, "OH, do you? You have cramps, what, two or three days a MONTH? Try having those cramps 9.5 days out of 10, then we'll talk."
Back to the weight loss thing. Before the endo was at its worst, beginning in April 2004, I had lost 48 pounds. I was down to 160 from my highest weight ever which was 208 (I am sure everyone who reads this could do the math, but you never really know.... ;-) ) From the time of my first surgery, to the second one, I gained about 30 pounds. 30 pounds in about a year. Ridiculous. I beat myself up on a daily basis. I was about 2/3 of the way to my original goal of 135 pounds. I'll get there though. I will. Period.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Sweetest thing. Ever.
Nick and I talked for a pretty long time last night, mostly about what we had done over the weekend, and plans for the week. At one point there was kind of a break in the conversation and he said, "Well, I hate to be all mushy and stuff, but I heard this song yesterday on my way home from work and it reminded me of you. Of us." He had the artist wrong at first, but went out to his truck to get the CD so he could tell me what song it was. Turns out it's a Tim McGraw song off the "Set This Circus Down" CD, which I bought when it was released in 2001 for one song, and one song only-"Angry All the Time". I don't think I ever listened to the entire thing because the song he was talking about was totally new to me. As I was listening to it I got tears in my eyes, which happens a lot these days, but that song said things to me that I know Nick never would have been able to. And that makes my heart more happy than you could ever know.
Take Me Away From Here
My body burns
Like there’s a desert deep in me
A thirsty soul so unsatisfied
But there you are like a river to the sea
The one chance I have to change my life...
Darlin',
Take my away from here
Make it seem like we're a million miles away
Another time another place
Make me a different man
Move me farther than I’ve ever been before
Show me thats there's somethin' more
Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped inside myself
Spinning wheels goin up and down, 'round and 'round
Going nowere just like everybody else
With no touch, no sight, no sound
But you could
Take me away from here
Make it seem like we’re a million miles away
Another time another place
Make me a different man
Move me farther than I’ve been before
Show me that’s there somethin more
Give me hopes and .
dreams to fill my head
Push my heart,
so I can fly again
Take me away from here
Make it seem like we’re a million miles away
Another time another place
Make me a different man
Move me farther than I’ve been before
Show me that’s there’s something more
Take me away from here
Take me away from here
Take me away from here
Take me away from here
Take Me Away From Here
My body burns
Like there’s a desert deep in me
A thirsty soul so unsatisfied
But there you are like a river to the sea
The one chance I have to change my life...
Darlin',
Take my away from here
Make it seem like we're a million miles away
Another time another place
Make me a different man
Move me farther than I’ve ever been before
Show me thats there's somethin' more
Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped inside myself
Spinning wheels goin up and down, 'round and 'round
Going nowere just like everybody else
With no touch, no sight, no sound
But you could
Take me away from here
Make it seem like we’re a million miles away
Another time another place
Make me a different man
Move me farther than I’ve been before
Show me that’s there somethin more
Give me hopes and .
dreams to fill my head
Push my heart,
so I can fly again
Take me away from here
Make it seem like we’re a million miles away
Another time another place
Make me a different man
Move me farther than I’ve been before
Show me that’s there’s something more
Take me away from here
Take me away from here
Take me away from here
Take me away from here
Friday, May 19, 2006
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Damn butterflies.
And I'm not talking about the insect variety. I'm talking about the ones that make you feel anxious and antsy, and sometimes nauseas. I haven't felt this in a LONG time, and I guess I'm happy to know that I still can, but then again, I don't like it. Not one single bit.
I guess I've got a little bit of a crush on someone. I don't think it ever would have happened if someone hadn't brought up the fact that he's cute, and that she thought we'd be cute together. I've always thought he was cute, and really nice, but I never thought about being interested in him. Now, any time I think about him, or see a picture of him, I get that fluttery feeling. Now that I think about it, I don't think I got that fluttery feeling when I saw Nick a couple of weeks ago. Hmmm.
I guess I've got a little bit of a crush on someone. I don't think it ever would have happened if someone hadn't brought up the fact that he's cute, and that she thought we'd be cute together. I've always thought he was cute, and really nice, but I never thought about being interested in him. Now, any time I think about him, or see a picture of him, I get that fluttery feeling. Now that I think about it, I don't think I got that fluttery feeling when I saw Nick a couple of weeks ago. Hmmm.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
3 for 3.
Another pretty great weekend. I got to see my nieces, my sister, my grandparents, a few cousins, and a couple of aunts.
The bonus was that I got to see him.
I can't wait for this weekend. I will only go out Friday night for Sinko de Mayo (I like MMJ's story) and I will do NADA for the rest of the weekend. Nothing that requires me to spend money, that is.
Also. The shoes in my last entry were, in fact, horrendous. The colors are TOTALLY off on the website. I will take a picture of them so you can see how awful they REALLY are. They are going back, pronto like.
The bonus was that I got to see him.
I can't wait for this weekend. I will only go out Friday night for Sinko de Mayo (I like MMJ's story) and I will do NADA for the rest of the weekend. Nothing that requires me to spend money, that is.
Also. The shoes in my last entry were, in fact, horrendous. The colors are TOTALLY off on the website. I will take a picture of them so you can see how awful they REALLY are. They are going back, pronto like.
Monday, April 24, 2006
How cute are these???
I had seen a pair of plaid Chucks that I wanted, but now they aren't available. Today I found these, and they should be on my doorstep by Thursday. YAY!!!
Two in a row...
Another pretty great weekend. Friday I took off for College Station to hang out with this crazy girl who I love to death and take in a Ryan Turner/Eli Young Band show. I accomplished her goal of getting trashed, and so did she. Apparently, people have a hard time determing whether or not I am drunk. Here's your most obvious clue, if I ask you, or anyone around you, for a drag off your cig, I am drunk and tell me no. There you have it.
Only got about 4 hours of sleep and got on the road around 9 or so. I decided to take backroads, and just slowly work my way home. I enjoy doing that from time to time, so I opened the sun roof (I was in mi madre's Trooper, not the Jeep) and wound my way home. Stopped by a place called "Rustic Ranch" and got the big star I've been wanting for my patio. Finally got home around 1 and showered then took a nap. Woke up later than I should have, but I couldn't have cared less, I WAS TIRED! Headed to the boss' house for the last crawfish boil/party at the Bayhouse. Crawfish were mmmm mmmm good! Hung around for a while then headed to the Firehouse for Ryan Turner. Great show, of course! Oh, apparently the dancers from Rick's Cabaret had the night off and decided to hit up the Firehouse. Ugh..
Sunday I slept in, cleaned house, did some laundry, a couple of Sudoku puzzles, took a nap, and finished decorating my patio. That was pretty much it. This weekend I have to go to Lake Charles for my niece's first communion. I am probably the most anti-Catholic person you will ever meet (no offense to you if you are Catholic) so this is going to be a test. Wish me luck.
Only got about 4 hours of sleep and got on the road around 9 or so. I decided to take backroads, and just slowly work my way home. I enjoy doing that from time to time, so I opened the sun roof (I was in mi madre's Trooper, not the Jeep) and wound my way home. Stopped by a place called "Rustic Ranch" and got the big star I've been wanting for my patio. Finally got home around 1 and showered then took a nap. Woke up later than I should have, but I couldn't have cared less, I WAS TIRED! Headed to the boss' house for the last crawfish boil/party at the Bayhouse. Crawfish were mmmm mmmm good! Hung around for a while then headed to the Firehouse for Ryan Turner. Great show, of course! Oh, apparently the dancers from Rick's Cabaret had the night off and decided to hit up the Firehouse. Ugh.
Sunday I slept in, cleaned house, did some laundry, a couple of Sudoku puzzles, took a nap, and finished decorating my patio. That was pretty much it. This weekend I have to go to Lake Charles for my niece's first communion. I am probably the most anti-Catholic person you will ever meet (no offense to you if you are Catholic) so this is going to be a test. Wish me luck.
Monday, April 17, 2006
12 hours. Straight.
That's how long I slept last night. I was lounging on the couch reading my book, then decided I would be more comfortable in my bed. Big mistake. I think I was asleep within 10 minutes. That was sometime around 6:30. I did wake up a couple of times thinking, "Damn, I'm missing Desperate Housewives". It obviously didn't bother me much because I just rolled over and went back to sleep. I am sure the fact that I spent the afternoon sailing and getting a little too much sun didn't help the fact that all I want to do lately is sleep...
It really was a great weekend, though. Saturday I got up and Gary and I headed to Galveston to meet mom and Laird on her boat in Offats Bayou. The ride to her boat on the dingy was interesting. It was really windy and we were drifting all over the place so after moving 3 times and resetting the anchor a few more times we just decided to head back to Clear Lake. It was a pretty nice trip, until we started heading into Kemah. It was really windy and rough and we were getting rocked all over the place. As soon as we made it to the slip Gary brought me back down to Galveston to pick up the Jeep. Then it was back to the boat for steak. Yum.
Yesterday we decided to take Laird's sailboat out for a couple of hours. Those couple of hours went by way too fast. And we had to head in pretty early so we could go to Jesse and Diane's for Easter lasagna. Not your typical Easter dinner, but it was delicious!
So, that was my weekend. Full of on the water time, and QT with mom.
It really was a great weekend, though. Saturday I got up and Gary and I headed to Galveston to meet mom and Laird on her boat in Offats Bayou. The ride to her boat on the dingy was interesting. It was really windy and we were drifting all over the place so after moving 3 times and resetting the anchor a few more times we just decided to head back to Clear Lake. It was a pretty nice trip, until we started heading into Kemah. It was really windy and rough and we were getting rocked all over the place. As soon as we made it to the slip Gary brought me back down to Galveston to pick up the Jeep. Then it was back to the boat for steak. Yum.
Yesterday we decided to take Laird's sailboat out for a couple of hours. Those couple of hours went by way too fast. And we had to head in pretty early so we could go to Jesse and Diane's for Easter lasagna. Not your typical Easter dinner, but it was delicious!
So, that was my weekend. Full of on the water time, and QT with mom.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Wellllll.....
I had my first Lupron injection on Monday, April 3. So far I think I have had 3 hot flashes, more headaches than I can count, a little nausea, I am tired as all get out every single day, and the strangest thing is the pain in my shins. When I first felt that I freaked out more than a little and was convinced I had Osteosarcoma or something. Then I read the side effects literature, again, and saw that bone/joint pain and generalized pain are also side effects. I think I was so consumed with the hot flashes, acne and weight gain that I didn't really even consider the others.
I am seriously so damn tired I could go to sleep at 7 each evening and probably sleep until 7 the next morning. I haven't done that, yet, but I just might do it tonight. Part of me wants to go out and do something, but the tired, ass-dragging part of me wants to go home, hang my curtains in my bedroom, and hide in my cavernous bedroom with the A/C on 68 (I haven't been using it very much for fear of that $200 electric bill that I haven't had to pay in 2 and a half years).
Well. I'm out. See you suckers next week.
I am seriously so damn tired I could go to sleep at 7 each evening and probably sleep until 7 the next morning. I haven't done that, yet, but I just might do it tonight. Part of me wants to go out and do something, but the tired, ass-dragging part of me wants to go home, hang my curtains in my bedroom, and hide in my cavernous bedroom with the A/C on 68 (I haven't been using it very much for fear of that $200 electric bill that I haven't had to pay in 2 and a half years).
Well. I'm out. See you suckers next week.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Mopey, Pissy, Pity Party
These are just some of the words that people have used to describe me lately. Well, not lately, but before the surgery, before I took my LOA from going out. I tried to just let it roll off my back at first, but now I realize just how much it hurts.
Mopey-I suppose maybe I was mopey. But if you were living with a chronic disease that causes you pain and discomfort, every single day, in one way or another you would be mopey, too. I know I don't have cancer, I know that what I have isn't going to kill me, but I don't need people to tell me how much worse it could be. For me, it's bad, it sucks. And if you don't know what it's like, you have absolutely no right to tell me how I should accept it, act, etc.
Pissy-Just because I don't have a smile plastered on my face does not mean that I am pissy. And for that to be the first thing someone says when they see me? WTH? If I see someone looking maybe not-so-happy, I sure as hell wouldn't approach them like that. I am pretty sure I would ask if everything was okay, if there was anything I could do if everything WASN'T okay. But I guess that's just me.
Pity Party-Aren't we all entightled to one every now and then? It's amazed me lately how unEMPATHETIC people can be. Again, if I thought that someone was throwing themselves a pity party, I wouldn't put them down for it. Again, I would ask if there was anything I could do to help, whether it be just to listen, or just to wipe the tears from their eyes.
The next few months have the potential to be less than enjoyable. I started the Lupron Depot injections Monday. No turning back now.
I am sure some of you are sick of hearing about endometriosis, but it is a huge part of my life, it affects me EVERY SINGLE day. So if you don't want to hear about it, you should probably stay away from this blog...
Mopey-I suppose maybe I was mopey. But if you were living with a chronic disease that causes you pain and discomfort, every single day, in one way or another you would be mopey, too. I know I don't have cancer, I know that what I have isn't going to kill me, but I don't need people to tell me how much worse it could be. For me, it's bad, it sucks. And if you don't know what it's like, you have absolutely no right to tell me how I should accept it, act, etc.
Pissy-Just because I don't have a smile plastered on my face does not mean that I am pissy. And for that to be the first thing someone says when they see me? WTH? If I see someone looking maybe not-so-happy, I sure as hell wouldn't approach them like that. I am pretty sure I would ask if everything was okay, if there was anything I could do if everything WASN'T okay. But I guess that's just me.
Pity Party-Aren't we all entightled to one every now and then? It's amazed me lately how unEMPATHETIC people can be. Again, if I thought that someone was throwing themselves a pity party, I wouldn't put them down for it. Again, I would ask if there was anything I could do to help, whether it be just to listen, or just to wipe the tears from their eyes.
The next few months have the potential to be less than enjoyable. I started the Lupron Depot injections Monday. No turning back now.
I am sure some of you are sick of hearing about endometriosis, but it is a huge part of my life, it affects me EVERY SINGLE day. So if you don't want to hear about it, you should probably stay away from this blog...
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Hi, My name is Nicole...
and I have problems when it comes to asking people for help.
After my surgery, I had countless people telling me to let them know if I needed help with anything. Easier said than done. Instead of sucking it up and asking for help, I sat in my apartment for 4 days, alone except for the company of my dog. My sister called me the Friday after my surgery and could tell I was really down and told me to get a bag together, that she was going to come and pick me up and was bringing me back to Lake Charles to convalesce at her house. She is the one person who has ever realized my issues with asking people for help. I have always been VERY independent, I had to be when I was growing up since my mother really wasn't around very much.
My sister first realized I had a hard time asking for help 2 and half years ago when I moved from Lake Charles back to Houston. We were in the middle of loading up the truck and I lost it. I broke down partially because I was moving away from her and my nieces, the people my life had revolved around for a year and half. But I also lost it because I was totally overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done within the next 14 hours, and I knew that we couldn't get it all done, and my brother in law was working 7-14s and wasn't going to be home for another few hours. She asked if we needed more help and I told her no. Thank God she didn't listen to me...she called a couple that we had become friends with and they were there within 20 minutes ready to do anything they could to help.
This past weekend was similar to that. I am in the process of moving, and I am still on lifting restrictions, no more than 15 pounds. I don't think there is anything in my apartment that weighs less than 15 pounds, and then of course there are the boxes of pictures, books, candles, tchotchkes, and kitchen crap. There were probably 10 or so people that I could have called to help, but I couldn't. Sunday, my mom and her boyfriend Laird came and helped me take a load, and then some older friends called and offered help, so we took a load over. Thank goodness for them, but I still have TOO MUCH crap to move. I did schedule for movers to come and get the big stuff. 6:30 am Wednesday is going to be before I know it. And I still have too much to do! Good thing I don't really have to be out of my old place for another 3 weeks or so.
Why can't I ask for help when I need it? Life would be SO much easier. And I know that anyone I asked for help would be there lickety split. I should work on that.
After my surgery, I had countless people telling me to let them know if I needed help with anything. Easier said than done. Instead of sucking it up and asking for help, I sat in my apartment for 4 days, alone except for the company of my dog. My sister called me the Friday after my surgery and could tell I was really down and told me to get a bag together, that she was going to come and pick me up and was bringing me back to Lake Charles to convalesce at her house. She is the one person who has ever realized my issues with asking people for help. I have always been VERY independent, I had to be when I was growing up since my mother really wasn't around very much.
My sister first realized I had a hard time asking for help 2 and half years ago when I moved from Lake Charles back to Houston. We were in the middle of loading up the truck and I lost it. I broke down partially because I was moving away from her and my nieces, the people my life had revolved around for a year and half. But I also lost it because I was totally overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done within the next 14 hours, and I knew that we couldn't get it all done, and my brother in law was working 7-14s and wasn't going to be home for another few hours. She asked if we needed more help and I told her no. Thank God she didn't listen to me...she called a couple that we had become friends with and they were there within 20 minutes ready to do anything they could to help.
This past weekend was similar to that. I am in the process of moving, and I am still on lifting restrictions, no more than 15 pounds. I don't think there is anything in my apartment that weighs less than 15 pounds, and then of course there are the boxes of pictures, books, candles, tchotchkes, and kitchen crap. There were probably 10 or so people that I could have called to help, but I couldn't. Sunday, my mom and her boyfriend Laird came and helped me take a load, and then some older friends called and offered help, so we took a load over. Thank goodness for them, but I still have TOO MUCH crap to move. I did schedule for movers to come and get the big stuff. 6:30 am Wednesday is going to be before I know it. And I still have too much to do! Good thing I don't really have to be out of my old place for another 3 weeks or so.
Why can't I ask for help when I need it? Life would be SO much easier. And I know that anyone I asked for help would be there lickety split. I should work on that.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Eyes Wide Open
It's amazing what you learn about people when you are going through hard times. I have needed my friends to lean on the last couple of days, and the people that I have been friends with the longest have failed me. These are people that I have gone out of my way to visit in the hospital or at home soon after giving birth, an illness, etc., and not a single one of them has offered to come visit me, help me out, nothing. And you know what? The same exact thing happened last year when I had surgery. Guess it's time to re-evaluate my relationships. Fed-Ex came by yesterday to drop some tires off for my neighbor, but when I saw the delivery guy, I initially thought maybe someone had sent me flowers or something. How foolish did I feel when he said, "Can I leave these tires here for Mr. Sledge?" I am sick of being disappointed. I don't need anyone to DO anything for me, except maybe stop by to visit for a little while, maybe watch a movie or something. It makes me sad, in a way, that the people who have offered to do anything they could are people I have known for less than a year. Knowing that I could call 10 or so of them, and knowing that they would be here as soon as possible makes me realize even more that the people I SHOULD be able to depend on just aren't there for me.
So, to those of you who have kept me in your prayers, who have offered to do help me out in any way possible, know that I am more grateful and appreciative than you will ever know, and that if I can ever return the favor, I will do so in a heartbeat.
Sorry if this is a little rambly. It's 5:00 am and the latest dose of vicodin is finally kicking in.
So, to those of you who have kept me in your prayers, who have offered to do help me out in any way possible, know that I am more grateful and appreciative than you will ever know, and that if I can ever return the favor, I will do so in a heartbeat.
Sorry if this is a little rambly. It's 5:00 am and the latest dose of vicodin is finally kicking in.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Guess I'll play along...
Saw this on Sara and Heather's blogs and thought I would play along...
Pick a band and only answer the questions using song titles.
1. Name of band/artist: Ryan Turner
2. Are you male or female?: Julie's Gonna Dance
3. Describe yourself: She's No Amy
4. How do you feel about yourself?: My Days My Way
5. Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Back In Your Arms
6. Describe current girlfriend/boyfriend: What's it Gonna Be
7. Describe where you want to be: My Side of Town
8. Describe how you live: Same Old Thing
9. Describe how you love: Rollin' Up My Sleeves
10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish?: A Real Good Day
11. Share a few words of Wisdom: The Heart Has a Mind of Its Own
12. Now say goodbye: Would You Run
Pick a band and only answer the questions using song titles.
1. Name of band/artist: Ryan Turner
2. Are you male or female?: Julie's Gonna Dance
3. Describe yourself: She's No Amy
4. How do you feel about yourself?: My Days My Way
5. Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Back In Your Arms
6. Describe current girlfriend/boyfriend: What's it Gonna Be
7. Describe where you want to be: My Side of Town
8. Describe how you live: Same Old Thing
9. Describe how you love: Rollin' Up My Sleeves
10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish?: A Real Good Day
11. Share a few words of Wisdom: The Heart Has a Mind of Its Own
12. Now say goodbye: Would You Run
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Would I be missed?
I mean, if something were to happen to me? Would the people I call my friends miss me?
I tend to think they wouldn't. I have pretty much had the same group of friends since junior high/high school. I've let very few people really get to know me, know my weaknesses and my strengths. For some reason I keep them locked away until I feel the time might be right, or feel that they might be ready. And you know, the few people I have let in over the last 10 years have, at some point, done something to make me regret that decision.
Back to my original thought... the group of friends I refer to have all seemed to outgrow me, or maybe in some ways I have outgrown them. These are just some of the people who know the real me, who have known me for the better part of the last 16 years, and who accept me for who I am, shortcomings and all.
Denise-my "best friend" since November of the 7th grade. The savior of my first day at Clear Lake Intermediate. My math teacher asked Denise to show me around during lunch, thank goodness. The 7th grade was not an easy year for me. I ended the 6th grade at one school,not knowing that I wouldn't be back. That summer was horrible. I started the 7th grade at a school near my father's house, since I was living with him at that time. This school was a nightmare, I did not make any friends and basically hated life. Then my sister and I went to live with my mother again, and moved to Clear Lake. Denise has exactly the life she always wanted. She is married to her high school sweetheart, they have 2 boys, and she is a kindergarten teacher. Exactly what she always wanted, and exactly how she saw her life. While I am SO happy for her, I can't help but feel like I've been left behind. We used to talk at least a couple of times a week, now we might talk every other month. I don't like it at all, but I know how busy she is.
Kim-I am pretty sure I met her that first day as well. Kim has always been an awesome friend. She is someone I can cry with, drink with, party with, and do movie marathons with. Our relationship is the most versatile of all. She's married, too, no kids yet. Her husband is hilarious, and I love spending time with them. The problem is that they have the most active social life of any married couple I know, so time with Kim is pretty limited and hard to come by.
Amy-Another day one friend. She was in my english class, the first class I went to that day. I think it was 2nd or 3rd period. She was very nice that day, but admitted a couple of years later that she thought I would be a total bitch and a total snob. And with what I wore that day? I don't blame her one bit. Amy is married and just started teaching 2nd grade this past January. She went through an accelerated certification program and got a job in La Marque, a pretty impoverished area South of Clear Lake. She is crazy. Not as crazy as she used to be, but still pretty crazy. If we go out and there happens to be a karaoke machine around, Amy is the first one up there. Stone cold sober. The girl can't really carry a tune to save her life, but seeing her have that much fun is awesome.
Angie-She was in the same english class as Amy and me. She's married with one daughter. We were VERY close our junior and senior year of high school, probably because we were dating guys who were best friends. I have great memories of Angie and me during those months. I doubt she realizes how much I cherished those times. We helped each other through some pretty tough times, including breaking up with said best friends, and the suicide of a pretty close friend.
Rachel-Yet another day oner. And probably the most volatile friendship I have ever had. I'm not sure why that friendship has always been so difficult to maintain. She's married with one daughter and another kid on the way.
Josh-Yep. The one guy in our group. I didn't meet Josh until 9th grade because he went to a different junior high school. Funny guy, always up for a good time, but pretty unsettled. He's a nurse and decided last year that he wanted to be a contract nurse and travel to different places in the state. He only made it to one place, California, and stayed there for 2 contract periods. Last I heard he was doing missionary work with his Catholic church again. I found some interesting news about Josh this past December. He's gay. Not really a big surprise, we always had our suspicions, but he "came out" to Kim a year and a half ago. I haven't seen hime since I found out, but I would like to think I wouldn't act any differently towards him... I hope I don't.
Tanya-We met in 9th grade and she and Josh have been best friends for like ever. They lived down the street from one another until Josh left for A&M in 1994. She's married to Roger, a guy I had a SEVERE crush on in the 8th grade. They have 3 beautiful children, 2 girls, 1 boy. They live in Rifle, CO. They are another really fun couple. Always up for whatever includes drinking a few Coronas!
Layla-I guess we met during 7th grade, but didn't actually really become friends until 1999, when I finally transferred to UHCL and she was in the same program I was in. Layla has been married the longest of anyone my age... I think she and John had their 10th anniversary on December 31st. Get this, they have 6 kids. She just had number 6 a couple of weeks ago. If I am ever fortunate enough to have children of my own, I will go to Layla and John for parenting lessons. They are the best parents I have ever seen in my entire life. I sit and watch the way they work together and it literally brings tears to my eyes.
Kirsten-I think she moved to Clear Lake in the 8th grade, and on her first day I swooped her up and she was part of our group from day one. Kirsten and I have had such similar lives that it's almost scary. Similar I guess until she got married and had Riley (the beautiful baby in the pictures below). She's pregnant again and I couldn't be more happy for her and her husband, Todd. They live in Lima, Peru. They are a wonderful couple, and are probably the smartest people I have ever met. I mean, they are so smart that it is scary!
Wow, I'm not sure if that's everyone, but this is probably more than anyone will ever actually read. That's okay though, I wrote it more to get some perspective than for anyone to really read/comment on.
So, would I be missed? I do still wonder...
I tend to think they wouldn't. I have pretty much had the same group of friends since junior high/high school. I've let very few people really get to know me, know my weaknesses and my strengths. For some reason I keep them locked away until I feel the time might be right, or feel that they might be ready. And you know, the few people I have let in over the last 10 years have, at some point, done something to make me regret that decision.
Back to my original thought... the group of friends I refer to have all seemed to outgrow me, or maybe in some ways I have outgrown them. These are just some of the people who know the real me, who have known me for the better part of the last 16 years, and who accept me for who I am, shortcomings and all.
Denise-my "best friend" since November of the 7th grade. The savior of my first day at Clear Lake Intermediate. My math teacher asked Denise to show me around during lunch, thank goodness. The 7th grade was not an easy year for me. I ended the 6th grade at one school,not knowing that I wouldn't be back. That summer was horrible. I started the 7th grade at a school near my father's house, since I was living with him at that time. This school was a nightmare, I did not make any friends and basically hated life. Then my sister and I went to live with my mother again, and moved to Clear Lake. Denise has exactly the life she always wanted. She is married to her high school sweetheart, they have 2 boys, and she is a kindergarten teacher. Exactly what she always wanted, and exactly how she saw her life. While I am SO happy for her, I can't help but feel like I've been left behind. We used to talk at least a couple of times a week, now we might talk every other month. I don't like it at all, but I know how busy she is.
Kim-I am pretty sure I met her that first day as well. Kim has always been an awesome friend. She is someone I can cry with, drink with, party with, and do movie marathons with. Our relationship is the most versatile of all. She's married, too, no kids yet. Her husband is hilarious, and I love spending time with them. The problem is that they have the most active social life of any married couple I know, so time with Kim is pretty limited and hard to come by.
Amy-Another day one friend. She was in my english class, the first class I went to that day. I think it was 2nd or 3rd period. She was very nice that day, but admitted a couple of years later that she thought I would be a total bitch and a total snob. And with what I wore that day? I don't blame her one bit. Amy is married and just started teaching 2nd grade this past January. She went through an accelerated certification program and got a job in La Marque, a pretty impoverished area South of Clear Lake. She is crazy. Not as crazy as she used to be, but still pretty crazy. If we go out and there happens to be a karaoke machine around, Amy is the first one up there. Stone cold sober. The girl can't really carry a tune to save her life, but seeing her have that much fun is awesome.
Angie-She was in the same english class as Amy and me. She's married with one daughter. We were VERY close our junior and senior year of high school, probably because we were dating guys who were best friends. I have great memories of Angie and me during those months. I doubt she realizes how much I cherished those times. We helped each other through some pretty tough times, including breaking up with said best friends, and the suicide of a pretty close friend.
Rachel-Yet another day oner. And probably the most volatile friendship I have ever had. I'm not sure why that friendship has always been so difficult to maintain. She's married with one daughter and another kid on the way.
Josh-Yep. The one guy in our group. I didn't meet Josh until 9th grade because he went to a different junior high school. Funny guy, always up for a good time, but pretty unsettled. He's a nurse and decided last year that he wanted to be a contract nurse and travel to different places in the state. He only made it to one place, California, and stayed there for 2 contract periods. Last I heard he was doing missionary work with his Catholic church again. I found some interesting news about Josh this past December. He's gay. Not really a big surprise, we always had our suspicions, but he "came out" to Kim a year and a half ago. I haven't seen hime since I found out, but I would like to think I wouldn't act any differently towards him... I hope I don't.
Tanya-We met in 9th grade and she and Josh have been best friends for like ever. They lived down the street from one another until Josh left for A&M in 1994. She's married to Roger, a guy I had a SEVERE crush on in the 8th grade. They have 3 beautiful children, 2 girls, 1 boy. They live in Rifle, CO. They are another really fun couple. Always up for whatever includes drinking a few Coronas!
Layla-I guess we met during 7th grade, but didn't actually really become friends until 1999, when I finally transferred to UHCL and she was in the same program I was in. Layla has been married the longest of anyone my age... I think she and John had their 10th anniversary on December 31st. Get this, they have 6 kids. She just had number 6 a couple of weeks ago. If I am ever fortunate enough to have children of my own, I will go to Layla and John for parenting lessons. They are the best parents I have ever seen in my entire life. I sit and watch the way they work together and it literally brings tears to my eyes.
Kirsten-I think she moved to Clear Lake in the 8th grade, and on her first day I swooped her up and she was part of our group from day one. Kirsten and I have had such similar lives that it's almost scary. Similar I guess until she got married and had Riley (the beautiful baby in the pictures below). She's pregnant again and I couldn't be more happy for her and her husband, Todd. They live in Lima, Peru. They are a wonderful couple, and are probably the smartest people I have ever met. I mean, they are so smart that it is scary!
Wow, I'm not sure if that's everyone, but this is probably more than anyone will ever actually read. That's okay though, I wrote it more to get some perspective than for anyone to really read/comment on.
So, would I be missed? I do still wonder...
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Here we go...
again.
I had a Dr. appointment yesterday. I am having surgery on March 7th. My last surgery was April 15th, not even a year ago. In addition to the pelviscopy to remove new endometrial adhesions, I will also have a cystoscopy performed by my urologist who is looking for either interstitial cystitis or endometrial adhesions on my bladder. I'm really not nervous about the laparoscopy part, I know what to expect. Unfortunately, I am more than a little freaked out about the cystoscopy part. I mean, hello, you're putting a camera into my bladder, and you're doing it through my urethra? Vomit. At least I will be under anesthesia. I've been catheterized for tests over the last few months but they use pediatric catheters for that, and even those aren't much fun. I am pretty sure this scope is going to be a little bigger than a pediatric catheter. What is really freaking me out is what is going to happen after the surgery. Dr. Korman is really worried about maintaining my fertility, if I'm not already infertile, which we'll never know. So if he does the surgery and finds more aggressive implants, he will put me on Lupron Depot. Check out those side effects, "Side effects that have been associated with the use of Lupron Depot include hot flashes and/or night sweats in more than five percent of women; and palpitations, syncope, and tachycardia in less than five percent of the women who participated in clinical trials. Other side effects include generalized pain, headaches, vaginitis, nausea/vomiting, fluid retention, weight gain, acne, hirsutism, joint pain, decreased libido, depression, dizziness, nervousness, and breast changes that include tenderness and pain, among others. There have been no deaths directly related to therapy with Lupron Depot. "
Nice.
The girl who does the scheduling for Dr. Korman was cracking up as I was looking at the calendar to see which shows I would be willing to miss while I recover. I'm really not okay with missing any of them. Especially not Wade's CD release party, or Ryan's next show at the Firehouse. I don't want to miss Stoney's show at the Firehouse either, but that crowd is pretty rowdy and it's hard to deal with rowdy if you can't get rowdy, too. And since I have that ridiculous drive home, getting rowdy at the Firehouse isn't gonna happen. Oh well.
Is it Thursday yet?
I had a Dr. appointment yesterday. I am having surgery on March 7th. My last surgery was April 15th, not even a year ago. In addition to the pelviscopy to remove new endometrial adhesions, I will also have a cystoscopy performed by my urologist who is looking for either interstitial cystitis or endometrial adhesions on my bladder. I'm really not nervous about the laparoscopy part, I know what to expect. Unfortunately, I am more than a little freaked out about the cystoscopy part. I mean, hello, you're putting a camera into my bladder, and you're doing it through my urethra? Vomit. At least I will be under anesthesia. I've been catheterized for tests over the last few months but they use pediatric catheters for that, and even those aren't much fun. I am pretty sure this scope is going to be a little bigger than a pediatric catheter. What is really freaking me out is what is going to happen after the surgery. Dr. Korman is really worried about maintaining my fertility, if I'm not already infertile, which we'll never know. So if he does the surgery and finds more aggressive implants, he will put me on Lupron Depot. Check out those side effects, "Side effects that have been associated with the use of Lupron Depot include hot flashes and/or night sweats in more than five percent of women; and palpitations, syncope, and tachycardia in less than five percent of the women who participated in clinical trials. Other side effects include generalized pain, headaches, vaginitis, nausea/vomiting, fluid retention, weight gain, acne, hirsutism, joint pain, decreased libido, depression, dizziness, nervousness, and breast changes that include tenderness and pain, among others. There have been no deaths directly related to therapy with Lupron Depot. "
Nice.
The girl who does the scheduling for Dr. Korman was cracking up as I was looking at the calendar to see which shows I would be willing to miss while I recover. I'm really not okay with missing any of them. Especially not Wade's CD release party, or Ryan's next show at the Firehouse. I don't want to miss Stoney's show at the Firehouse either, but that crowd is pretty rowdy and it's hard to deal with rowdy if you can't get rowdy, too. And since I have that ridiculous drive home, getting rowdy at the Firehouse isn't gonna happen. Oh well.
Is it Thursday yet?
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Thursday, January 19, 2006
I love her...REALLY, I DO!!
And can you believe? I didn't have to crop this one at all. That's a first! Whoever took it didn't realize it hadn't actually been taken. C'est la vie!
I am happy today for some reason...even though tomorrow is THE day. Ladies, you know what I mean. ;-)
I am happy today for some reason...even though tomorrow is THE day. Ladies, you know what I mean. ;-)
Friday, January 13, 2006
You know what I hate more than anything?
LIARS.
And it appears as though someone has been lying to me a good bit lately. That's a good way to burn a bridge with me, and if that's the goal, this someone doesn't have to go about it so pathetically.
I'm just sayin'.
And it appears as though someone has been lying to me a good bit lately. That's a good way to burn a bridge with me, and if that's the goal, this someone doesn't have to go about it so pathetically.
I'm just sayin'.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
The mind is a wandering thing...
My head's been all over the place lately, but Elaine's "Cockblocking" entry really got me thinking. Why do girls have to be such bitches to one another? Why does it all have to be one big competition of who can get the most attention? Why do so many of you have to dominate conversations, talking about nothing really, to make yourself seem somehow better than others? I am sick of it, seriously. As my comment to Elaine's entry said, I have spent the last few months trying to convince people, mostly girls, that they can't always believe what they hear about another person. They are called RUMORS, yet so many of "us" take it as the God's honest truth and spend months, perhaps years, thinking negatively of someone because they heard that so and so was a whore, ho, whatever, and slept with so and so, and blah blah blah. And now, because I convinced them to give so and so another try, they try to make themselves sound like they have all of a sudden realized that you can't make such brash judgments, and that you can't always believe what you've heard? Ugh. I'm over it.
And you know something else? SO WHAT IF SO AND SO has slept with "so many" people!! Why is it any of your FUCKING business? And to those who keep the rumor mill going? Give it up already, we've all been out of junior high school for some time now.
I've always said that this blog wasn't going to be used to passive aggressively confront people, and I am sure that some will think that is what I am doing... It's not. This is directed at soooo many people, most of whom will never see this.
Ciao.
And you know something else? SO WHAT IF SO AND SO has slept with "so many" people!! Why is it any of your FUCKING business? And to those who keep the rumor mill going? Give it up already, we've all been out of junior high school for some time now.
I've always said that this blog wasn't going to be used to passive aggressively confront people, and I am sure that some will think that is what I am doing... It's not. This is directed at soooo many people, most of whom will never see this.
Ciao.
Riley wins!!
Cutest baby EVER that is. She's one of my best friend's kids. They teach, er, I mean, "consult" in Lima, Peru so I only get to see them once, or if I am lucky, twice a year. I took these last night. This is one HAPPY kid. Except when dressing or undressing.... Hmmmm.
I could eat her up!
I could eat her up!
Thursday, January 05, 2006
In need of a Pedi...
If I have one done this week, I'll post a pic of pretty toes. Until then, you'll have to deal with un-pedicured toes suspended over Galveston Bay.
HHNT!
It seems some of the rules of HNT have been forgotten....you must either be IN the picture, or you must be the person that TOOK the picture. Makes it a little more challenging to come up with "original" material.
HHNT!
It seems some of the rules of HNT have been forgotten....you must either be IN the picture, or you must be the person that TOOK the picture. Makes it a little more challenging to come up with "original" material.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
My weekend...
in pictures.
Friday we started early at Pappadeaux's for bar appetizers and beer. No pics though. Then, when Jamie got to town we went to "Barefoot Tina's". What an adventure. I am pretty sure the people in that place had never encountered someone with all of their teeth, much less 6 people with great smiles!
So, Renee's floozie coozie was a HUGE hit, by the women AND the men!
Pretty much a GREAT weekend!
Friday we started early at Pappadeaux's for bar appetizers and beer. No pics though. Then, when Jamie got to town we went to "Barefoot Tina's". What an adventure. I am pretty sure the people in that place had never encountered someone with all of their teeth, much less 6 people with great smiles!
So, Renee's floozie coozie was a HUGE hit, by the women AND the men!
Next it was on to Texas Saloon to watch my friend Gary play. One word about this place-WOW.
Oh, and the DJ is a TOTAL DICK.
Here's my friend Gary...
And here is Country Disco Dancing Barby (yes, I know it's Barbie, but NOT at Texas Saloon)
Jamie decides she has to dance with Billy Joe Shaver...
So Saturday was NYE and we decided to attend the Bay House (my landlord's) party and watch the old folks get drunk. (that's mi madre in the middle)
We went sailing on Sunday. It was a perfect day!
These birds just happened to be lined up on those pilings! I love this picture.
This is my mom and her boyfriend (the owner of the boat).
This is called "Wing on Wing".
All the boats heading in after a great day on Galveston bay!
Pretty much a GREAT weekend!
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