Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Guilt.

I'd have to say that the guilt has been the worst emotion I've felt through this.

I feel guilty because I am apparently the only one who knew Nick was having issues with depression. I begged him to get help, to go talk to someone, or to see his Dr and get on meds, but he wouldn't hear of it and got very angry anytime the subject came up. At one point, I told him I was going to tell his mother and he told me that if I did that he would never speak to me again. My selfish needs of keeping him in my life kept me from telling his mother, who could have possibly talked him into getting help since they lived in the same house and she saw him everyday.

I feel guilty because of the hateful things I said to him the last time we talked. I've definitely learned my lesson on that. After our last conversation, I chalked my anger up to the Lupron I was on, but can I really use that as an excuse? I know now that there is never an acceptable reason for saying such hateful things.

I feel guilty when I smile, or laugh, or eat normal amounts of food. I know Nick wouldn't want me to walk around miserable, and wouldn't want me to make myself sick, but it's hard going on as though things are normal…

I feel guilty when I get mad at Bear, and I usually only get mad at Bear when I am mad at Nick. Bear is a good dog, but he is a puppy and it's been a long time since I've had to exercise the patience a puppy requires.

Perhaps the most ridiculous thing I feel guilty about is when I see a man who is attractive. I actually chastise myself for it. How retarded is that? Seriously.

I haven't talked to his mom in about a week and a half. I'm not sure why I haven't called her… It is hard talking to her, and not being able to talk to him.

He was in my dream the other night. I had sent him a text message, and he was somehow there right after and said, "Nicci, you know you can't talk to me anymore". Krystal had a dream about him last weekend, too.

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