Thursday, December 07, 2006

"Angels danced the day you were born"

Nick gave me a little plaque that says that for my birthday in 2004, along with the silver Humanity Bracelet. When he gave it to me, it was in a bag that said it was from his mom. But we talked about it a few months ago when he was here and he said that it was from him, but his mom couldn't afford to buy anything for me so he let her give it to me. I have it on the chest next to my bed, so it's the first thing I see when I wake up, and the last thing I see before I fall asleep.

I can't help but wonder if he still felt that way, even after all of the nasty things we said to one another. One of his last text messages to me said something along the lines of, "Well, at least now I am seeing the real you." My reply was, "Now you know that isn't true, Nick. You've hurt me more than I ever thought possible."

It made me realize that he really thought I was a good person, and that I had shattered that image with the nasty, overly emotional things I had said to him the last time we talked. I hope he hears me telling him how sorry I am, and how much I love and miss him.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


No thank you.

I would seriously just like to skip it. I can't imagine not getting a phone call or text message from him. It didn't matter if we were angry with one another, on a "break", or just hadn't talked in a while for whatever reason, we ALWAYS talked on birthdays and holidays.

If I could fast forward to January, I would do it in a heartbeat. Maybe then I'd be one step closer to being okay. I try. I try really hard to be okay, to not think about it, and just when I start thinking I am doing a good job... Then the bottom breaks out.