Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Hi, My name is Nicole...

and I have problems when it comes to asking people for help.

After my surgery, I had countless people telling me to let them know if I needed help with anything. Easier said than done. Instead of sucking it up and asking for help, I sat in my apartment for 4 days, alone except for the company of my dog. My sister called me the Friday after my surgery and could tell I was really down and told me to get a bag together, that she was going to come and pick me up and was bringing me back to Lake Charles to convalesce at her house. She is the one person who has ever realized my issues with asking people for help. I have always been VERY independent, I had to be when I was growing up since my mother really wasn't around very much.

My sister first realized I had a hard time asking for help 2 and half years ago when I moved from Lake Charles back to Houston. We were in the middle of loading up the truck and I lost it. I broke down partially because I was moving away from her and my nieces, the people my life had revolved around for a year and half. But I also lost it because I was totally overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done within the next 14 hours, and I knew that we couldn't get it all done, and my brother in law was working 7-14s and wasn't going to be home for another few hours. She asked if we needed more help and I told her no. Thank God she didn't listen to me...she called a couple that we had become friends with and they were there within 20 minutes ready to do anything they could to help.

This past weekend was similar to that. I am in the process of moving, and I am still on lifting restrictions, no more than 15 pounds. I don't think there is anything in my apartment that weighs less than 15 pounds, and then of course there are the boxes of pictures, books, candles, tchotchkes, and kitchen crap. There were probably 10 or so people that I could have called to help, but I couldn't. Sunday, my mom and her boyfriend Laird came and helped me take a load, and then some older friends called and offered help, so we took a load over. Thank goodness for them, but I still have TOO MUCH crap to move. I did schedule for movers to come and get the big stuff. 6:30 am Wednesday is going to be before I know it. And I still have too much to do! Good thing I don't really have to be out of my old place for another 3 weeks or so.
Why can't I ask for help when I need it? Life would be SO much easier. And I know that anyone I asked for help would be there lickety split. I should work on that.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Eyes Wide Open

It's amazing what you learn about people when you are going through hard times. I have needed my friends to lean on the last couple of days, and the people that I have been friends with the longest have failed me. These are people that I have gone out of my way to visit in the hospital or at home soon after giving birth, an illness, etc., and not a single one of them has offered to come visit me, help me out, nothing. And you know what? The same exact thing happened last year when I had surgery. Guess it's time to re-evaluate my relationships. Fed-Ex came by yesterday to drop some tires off for my neighbor, but when I saw the delivery guy, I initially thought maybe someone had sent me flowers or something. How foolish did I feel when he said, "Can I leave these tires here for Mr. Sledge?" I am sick of being disappointed. I don't need anyone to DO anything for me, except maybe stop by to visit for a little while, maybe watch a movie or something. It makes me sad, in a way, that the people who have offered to do anything they could are people I have known for less than a year. Knowing that I could call 10 or so of them, and knowing that they would be here as soon as possible makes me realize even more that the people I SHOULD be able to depend on just aren't there for me.
So, to those of you who have kept me in your prayers, who have offered to do help me out in any way possible, know that I am more grateful and appreciative than you will ever know, and that if I can ever return the favor, I will do so in a heartbeat.
Sorry if this is a little rambly. It's 5:00 am and the latest dose of vicodin is finally kicking in.