I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable with the things I've written, or things I've said. I know you don't know what to say to me to make things better. Here's the thing, nothing you can say WILL make it better, or easier, but just knowing that you care about me, that I am in your thoughts and prayers, that's what I need. I guess I've felt like people have been avoiding me. Then again, maybe I've cut myself off. I've had so many offers to "just call/let me know if you need anything" and there have been so many times that I HAVE just wanted to talk, or just wanted a hug, or just wanted to get out and do something besides sit in my apartment surrounded by memories of him. But I pick up the phone and stare at it when those times hit me. It's like I'm frozen, unable to complete a phone call to anyone other than Krystal (who bless her heart has been my saving grace through all of this) or Kelley (who seems to know just when I need to talk, or cry). I've only talked to Denise twice since "it" happened. She's got so much going on, that she doesn't need my stuff to worry about.
Bear is getting BIG! He's in one of those weird growth spurts where is legs are too long for his body so he's really clumsy and goofy. He's SO smart, though. We're working on obedience training, which is trying my patience because he is stubborn as a mule. Also, I can't imagine the "music" Nick and Bear made sleeping in the same bed. I swear Bear snores as loud as Nick. When Nick came to visit me Memorial Day weekend, he was snoring so loud I got up and went to sleep on the couch. I got back in bed before he woke up, but when he walked out of the bedroom he saw the blanket on the couch he asked if I had slept on the couch. When I told him I had because of the snoring he felt awful and said, "Why didn't you just nudge me?". Nick was always a really heavy sleeper, his mom always had a hell of a time getting him up for school, and you should have heard the volume his alarm clock was set on! But all I had to do was nudge him, and say, "Baby?" and he'd say, "Sorry, Darlin'" and roll over, or ladle me. See, we didn't spoon, we ladled. The first time we ever slept together, and I mean SLEPT was January 17, 2004 (which was also our first date) we got in bed, kissed a little, okay, kissed A LOT, and then I rolled over and told him to spoon me. He had no idea what spooning was. So I cuddled into him, wrapped his arms around me and said, "THAT'S spooning." Well, he didn't think we were quite close enough, so he drew me closer, pulled his legs up, which pulled my legs up, and said, "We aren't going to spoon, we are going to ladle."