Monday, March 02, 2009

These Dreams

They throw me off for days after I have one. The one I had Saturday morning was so vivid I woke up sobbing and felt sad all day. I don't remember all of it, or all of the details, but the parts I remember still make me sad when I think about them. We were cuddled up in his bed, although it wasn't his bed, and it wasn't his house, but his mom was there so who knows. We were just talking and laughing, goofing off like we'd do when we were able to spend the weekends together, and I remember his mom saying something from the living room/kitchen(?). She said something along the lines of "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got". Those weren't her exact words, but that's what she meant. I'll admit that I should have walked away from him a long time before I did. But I loved him *so* much. So much that, more often than not, it hurt. He spent two years and eight months pushing me away, and up until August 1, 2006, I pushed back. Harder. And then I didn't have any push left.
Back to the dream. I don't really remember what happened after she said that. I just know that I got really sad and started crying and was curled up at the head of the bed on the pillows.
He kept asking me what was wrong and I finally screamed, "I"m CRAZY, OKAY? You're not here and I'm talking and laughing with you. And you're NOT HERE."
He kept asking me what I meant by he wasn't there and I finally told him, "You killed yourself two and half years ago, you selfish son of a bitch!"
That's when I woke up in wracking sobs.

I was on my way to my best friend's son's little league opening season parade and festivities and this song came on my MP3 player, which was on DJ, Random Play All. Strange, huh?



This song came on next.

4 comments:

june said...

"If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got". Those weren't her exact words, but that's what she meant. I'll admit that I should have walked away from him a long time before I did. But I loved him *so* much. So much that, more often than not, it hurt. He spent two years and eight months pushing me away, and up until August 1, 2006, I pushed back. Harder. And then I didn't have any push left.


It wasnt 2 years and 8 months for me, but other than that, this is EXACTLY how I felt...and yeah, no more push left. most of me feels much much better, but there is still an ache... i suspect eventually that too will subside.

The Doctor Princess said...

1. Synchronicity. It's a wacky thing.

2. Love you, lots. Keep loving, keep opening your heart. In time it really will heal. You're too wonderful for it not to.

Jennie Fitch said...

I used to have the same dreams. They're so real you can't get past them, and then they haunt you for days. I know what you're going through, and the only comfort I can offer, is that one day you realize YOU did all you could. You loved as much as you could. You just can't save some people. You were an amazing woman that kept trying. {{HUGS}} I hope your heart feels better soon!!

Steph said...

oh my gosh! so vivd, sad and scary :(

i hope that one day your heart can finally heal. you deserve peace.

XOXO