Monday, November 21, 2005

So that's the bracelet Nick gave me for my birthday last year. Well, that's not the exact bracelet, mine is sterling sliver (that one is pewter) and the toggle is a little different. It's called a Humanity Bracelet.
Yesterday was a yucky day. And I can't really figure out why. Was it because of this stupid pill I've been on? Was I just really lonely? Was I thinking about Nick too much? Was it because this whole turning 30 thing is way bigger than it should be, or than I even want it to be? You know, I think the fact that I am going to be 30 is so hard because of where I am in my life...No husband, no kids, nothing that's really MINE. I mean I still rent, I am still paying off my car, and I still have student loan debt (so my degrees really aren't MINE).
Back to the bracelet...I don't wear it very often because Nick seems to play in my head little more on the days that I DO... But I wore it yesterday to have lunch with my best friend of 16 years and her husband and their children. After lunch I found myself thinking a lot about the bracelet, its significance, and whether or not I should really wear it. The bracelet symbolizes a lot to me, and not just because Nick gave it to me... I realize more and more that while I feel like I reflect a lot of what the bracelet is symbolic of, there are things I really need to work on. Maybe then I'll feel happy and whole.
Loyalty: I am loyal to a fault. I take a lot that I shouldn't, and I often stuff it deep down and make myself miserable.
Unity: I'm not really sure what to make of this one....
Passion: I don't think I am passionate enough.
Joy: I am definitely NOT joyful enough. I know I am lucky. I have a great family and friends that most other people would love to have. I am healthy, for the most part, I mean, I'm not going to die tomorrow (that I know of anyways).
Kindness: I think that for the most part I am kind. I often go out of my way to make sure the people I love are happy with me, sometimes that leads to my being miserable.
Humor: I often find humor in situations where others might not...
Hope: I know I am not hopeful enough...
Courage: I used to be courageous. Not so much these days.
Love: I love too much. Plain and simple. I give my heart freely, and it almost always backfires.
Trust: This could go two ways...I am trustworthy, at least I think I am, and since I am concentrating on my feelings of myself, we'll go with that. I don't really trust anyone though. I don't really think there is one single person in my life who I could trust to be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. I want that. I really do.
Honor: Not really sure what to make of this one either.
Family: I probably have the best family ever. Don't get me wrong, we have our issues, but at the end of the day, we are exactly what a family should be.
Truth: I am honest, almost to a fault. Basically, don't come to me for advice unless you want the God's honest truth as to what I think.
Charity: Well, I donate $50 a month to St. Judes...I would do more if I could.

I am really in a strange place. Thanksgiving is in 3 days and I just want to stay home. I can't think of anything better than having 4 days of just ME time. But if I did that the family would throw a fit. All 36 of them.


Cerulean Blue said...

honey, I am at that EXACT place with the 30 thing... I will meet it in December. Somehow the words of the Hag ring in my ear b/c I hear him repeating that life starts at 30, and I am taking responsibility of where I am and what I have to do to fix it. This means that 30 can only be better than 29.. one year at a time, and I know that each day I succeed and don't cheat myself is a blessing that will only lead to better things tomorrow.... you can do it!

Heather said...

I am PAST 30... and in the same place as you. Age is relative... we can only have hope that God has a plan for us, we just haven't gotten to the meaty part of the plan yet.

And I will be spending the holiday alone for the most part... one visit from my brother... and that is all... and that is just the way I want it this year. For me.

Love you!

Steph said...

God definitely has a plan for you! 30 is just a number really. You're smart and beautiful and things will fall into place just the way He intends it to.

I'm sorry yesterday was a yucky day and that I was too hungover to see a movie with you.

Thanks for Saturday...

TXSongBird said...

I know im not near your age, but i think i might kinda know you now. You arent the type of person to be bothered by this. Like I said before, would it not be worse if you were 30, divorced, had kids, no job and no life? Enjoy being single now, because one day some jackass is gonna rope you into marrying him. Just hope its later than sooner, cause I have too much fun with you.