So done.

That's right. I am so done being the one to put myself out there in friendships. My time is better spent with friends who reciprocate what I give. Is it always going to be 50/50? No. But I am not going to continue settling for 90% on my end, and 5% on theirs. You're thinking that math doesn't add up, aren't you? Well it does. That extra 5% is just out there. That extra 5% is when I TRY to STOP trying.

Quality, not quantity, people.

It can only get better, right?

Some of you may have read my other blog, if so, this isn't really new news for you.

Pete, my mom's ex, died on July 24th after a year long battle with kidney cancer. A lot of people have asked how my vacation went, and I feel awful when I say that it was horrible, but it was. I got the call that he had taken a major turn for the worse the night before and that they were only giving him another week or so. You can imagine my surprise when we got the call that he passed away the next day. I was able to get home in time for the Memorial Service, for which I am very grateful. I owed Pete so much. I doubt he knew just how much he meant to me, how much I appreciate everything he ever did for me. He taught me to drive. He wiped the tears off my cheeks when I was 16 and broken hearted convinced that I would "never find a love like that again!". The drama, I know. "Men are like busses," he said, "another one will be around the corner in 15 minutes". He also never told my mom about a $400 cell phone bill I ran up when I was 17 talking to my (then) boyfriend Craig who had gone back to ERAU in Prescott, AZ. Now keep in mind that this was 1993 and there was no such thing as "Unlimited" minutes. I didn't know anything about cell phones and figured there was no way they logged the numbers called or the duration of each call. I was wrong. He never mentioned it to me either. I saw the bill when I was sitting in his office playing Solitaire on his computer. I have so many other great memories of him. He was a (GREAT) father to me when my own was not around. He will be missed by so many people.

I felt so guilty for not being here, and not only because of Pete, but because of Owen, too.

Owen finally got out of the hospital but still has the tracheotomy. They had doctor appointments yesterday to see about having it removed and got some pretty heartbreaking news. It won't be removed for AT LEAST another 5 weeks. I guess it's good news that they think it WILL eventually be removed, right? Denise was telling me that they went to Worship on Sunday and Owen saw someone looking at him so he put the Church Bulletin up so he couldn't anyone, and so they couldn't see him. How sad is that? A 3 and a half year old being so self conscious is enough to break your heart.

And you know how they say bad things happen in 3s? Well, the third was something I was not expecting. I found out the man I've been "seeing" for 2 and half years has been "talking" to someone else. I probably would not have handled it so bad if he had been honest with me as soon as he started talking to her. The last time we were together was the Friday before I left for Alabama. They had been talking for about 2 months prior to that. Interesting, huh?

Come out, come out wherever you are...

I checked out my statcounter this morning. 60 something visits yesterday and today? Who are you? Tell me.

Pretty please with sugar on top?

Men are like busses...

There's another one coming around the corner every 15 minutes.

That's what my (ex) step-father told me when I was 16 and was convinced I was going to die of a broken heart, and that I would never find "a love like that again". Ha. I know.

I remember I chuckled through my tears a little. I wish he was here to wipe my tears away, and tell me that again, but he died last Monday of cancer.

It's been a rotten, no good, very bad 2 weeks. What's that they say about bad things happening in threes? Between Owen's ordeal, Pete dying, and the crushing feeling I am having in my chest from last night, I don't know that I could take much more right now.

If I delete posts, will that make it easier?