One down, one to go.

Had my gastro appointment yesterday. She is fantastic. If any of you are in the Clear Lake area and are looking for a gastroenterologist, let me know and email you her name and numbers. Come to think of it, I think she has an office in Houston proper, too.
Anyways, she says it does sound like IBS, but with my family history, we're doing a colonoscopy on May 23rd just to make sure.

Now I just have to get through tomorrow's appointment. I won't know the results from that one for a few days, and waiting for stuff like that is the hardest part.

Thanks for the prayers.

It happened. Again.

Kris passed Sunday evening in the nursing facility he'd been in for the last few months in Tulsa. I can't imagine what his parents are going through. And I just don't understand how a 32 year old man in the prime of his life could be taken like that.

I hate you, cancer. I hate your guts.

I'm not gonna lie

I'm nervous as hell.

I have my gastro appointment next week. Well, I also got news a couple of weeks ago that my pap came back "abnormal". I did a round of the most awful antibiotic treatment imaginable and return for another pap next Thursday. I went through this in 1998 and was diagnosed with cervical dysplasia and had LEEP. All of my paps since then have been fine, so you can imagine my surprise when I got that call from the nurse. I've been trying really hard not to freak out, to just take it as it comes. But it's hard. Really hard. Especially with all of the pain and "weirdness" I've been feeling lately.

So, if you'd send a couple up for me, I'd really appreciate it. I'm sure it's all nothing, but it's hard to not get too deep in my head sometimes-I'm alone an awful lot, ya know!

Be careful, your head might explode.

I've updated with all of the blogs that were on MySpace.

Some news:
I bought a house. I moved in last Thursday, well, all of the big stuff. I have a couple of loads left at the apartment, but I've not been feeling well so I haven't gone to get any of it this week as I'd planned. I don't have to be out until the end of the month, so there's really no hurry, but I just want to get it done.
I'm healing, and it feels good. I haven't forgotten him, I never will, but it's not so raw. Not so painful. Buying the house was a big step in moving forward, and moving forward has been a huge problem for the last year and a half.
I had another laparoscopy in January for my endo. It was everywhere, again. I went to see Dr. K (my gyn) last week and based on the location of my pain now, he thinks I have IBS. I have an appointment with a gastoenterologist on the 29th. With my family's history of colon cancer and cancerous/pre-cancerous polyps, we (my mom and I) decided to just not take any chances.

Well, that's about it for now. Thanks for checking in.

I can't believe it's been 15 years.

15 years ago today I was a survivor of suicide for the first time. It was my junior year of high school and my friend Jay shot himself in the school parking lot. I don’t actually remember if he died on March 31st, or April 1st, but since I found out April 1st, that’s the day I remember him.
I was at my locker and was running late for first period which was Photography. I ran into my friend Shannon in the hall as I was running to class and she stopped me and told me that Jay was dead. Well, I’ve never been big on April Fool’s jokes, and this was certainly the LEAST funny joke ever. I made sure she knew I didn’t think she was funny and that’s when she looked up from her locker and I realized she wasn’t joking. Well, kind of realized it. Reality didn’t set in until I walked into the Photog classroom and didn’t see him in the chair in front of mine. I lost it and went straight into the lab while Mr. Caldarera broke the news to the class, and then I think there was an announcement made over the PA system. I was in the lab with my friend Stephanie and Mr. C’s assistant Mrs. Hamilton, who was my angel that morning.
You see, Jay and I were lab partners, meaning we pretty much had to share EVERYTHING. He wasn’t as serious about the class as I was and I managed to get pissed at him just about every day. We bickered like we were brother and sister.
I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. He would have accomplished great things if he hadn’t given up.
I miss you, Jay, and think of you often. I hope you’re up there kicking Nick’s ass for what he’s done, and Izzy’s ass, too. Oh, and can you somehow talk some sense into our friend from up there?

Happy Leap Year

Four years ago I asked Nick to marry me. I was kidding, kind of. Apparently, it's appropriate for a woman to propose to man on February 29th.

"Rules of courtship are quite different these days (and much less strict), but long ago women who were hoping to marry had to wait for their beaus to propose. They were not "allowed" to pop the question themselves, except on one day: on a leap year (February 29th) -- also known as Sadie Hawkins Day -- which occurs every four years. The tradition dates back hundreds of years, to when the leap year was not recognized by English law; the day was simply "leapt over" and ignored. Since it had no legal status, formal traditions did not apply on this day. Consequently, women who were not content to wait for a proposal took advantage of this anomaly and popped the question themselves. It was also thought that since leap year corrected the discrepancy between the calendar year (365 days) and the time it takes for the earth to complete one orbit of the sun (365 days and 6 hours), it was an opportunity for women to correct a tradition that was one-sided and unfair. Go ladies of yore!"

He obviously said no, but explained that when he proposed to me, he knew exactly how and where he was going to do it. Of course, I never found out what he'd had planned. I sure wish I had.
His 33rd birthday is next Sunday, March 9th.

13 months

Yesterday was 13 months. I was on my way to my second survivors of suicide support group when I realized it. I'd had a really shitty day and wasn't going to go, but I felt like I had to. I'm glad I did. It's hard, and I don't like crying the way I do when I'm there, in front of all of those people that I don't know, but no one judges. No one shakes their head at the things I say. In fact, they all nod in agreement at the way I'm feeling, or at the seemingly absurd things I say. You see, they're where I am. Sure, some of them are further along, some aren't as far along, but they get it. They get me. I'm glad I found them. Because right now they are the people I need. If you've never lost anyone to suicide, I pray with all of my heart that you never do. That you never feel this... this emptiness, this guilt, this anger, this hate, this hopelessness, this despair, this sadness.

That's a big word, huh?

agnostic

2 entries found for agnostic.
To select an entry, click on it.

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agnostic[1,noun] agnostic[2,adjective]

Main Entry: ¹ag·nos·tic
Pronunciation: ag-'näs-tik, &g-
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek agnOstos unknown, unknowable, from a- + gnOstos known, from gignOskein to know -- more at KNOW
1 : a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality (as God) is unknown and probably unknowable; broadly : one who is not committed to believing in either the existence or the nonexistence of God or a god
2 : a person unwilling to commit to an opinion about something agnostics>
- ag·nos·ti·cism /-t&-"si-z&m/ noun

Trust me, I NEVER thought I would say such a thing about myself, but I find myself singing along to the Contemporary Christian music in my MP3 player and I feel like a total hypocrite. I don't know that I believe in God anymore. I want to, more than you could ever know. I know there are people out there who have suffered more than I have and who still believe. More than ever before. I wish I were one of them. Really, I do.
I don't like the resentment or dislike or distrust I have in people now. I want to be the Nicole I was years ago. When life was planned. Predictable. Easy.
I come across this picture every now and then from high school, and I would give ANYTHING to go back to being THAT girl. I'll share it one of these days, because I am sure most of you don't believe me. I had a glowing personality, a great body(you think it's trivial. trust me, it isn't), and a pretty good outlook on life.
Where did she go? And how do I get her back?

Or, maybe not.

I had ANOTHER Dr. appointment this morning... I wanted his opinion on the research study I'd heard about. Well, I got it. He's against me doing it because the control medication is Depo Provera. Depo has a host of side effects that I knew about, but I thought it might be worth the risk. Dr. Korman disagrees. Strongly. He wants me back on the pill, but we are trying a low dose pill (20 mcg) to give my body a break from the high dose (50 mcg) I've been on since October. Hopefully this means I'll lose some of the weight I've put on since my first surgery, and that my depression will lessen. When he originally mentioned me going on OC's two years ago, I said absolutely not. The last time I was on the pill I was ridiculously depressed, and suicidal around "that time of the month". I was hesitant to go back on it, but when he started talking about my ability to conceive, my mind was changed.
So, another doozie from my appointment today: He would like to see me pregnant within the next two months. I'm not kidding. My mom was there with me when he said it. My jaw just about hit the ground and I came back with, "You got me a husband?". I mean REALLY. I have NOTHING against being a single mother, but it's what everyone else thinks (my family included) that would keep me from doing it.
So. Back to square one, I guess.

Stupid MySpace

I was coming over here to blog about something, got to looking around and found something that was like a punch in the gut.

The girl Nick was seeing is pregnant. Not with his child, of course. I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much.

I was coming over to blog about a pretty big decision I've made, I think. I was on my way back to the office from a Dr. appointment Monday morning and was listening to the radio (which I NEVER do) and started hearing this advertisement about Endometriosis. My ears perked up, of course. It was about a research study for an investigational research medication. I got here and looked up the website (www.petalstudy.com, if you're interested), filled out the questionnaire and got a call Wednesday to set up an appointment. I have to be off of OC's for one month before going in for my first appointment. So, I've got an appointment for September 13th. I sent a fax to my GYN yesterday to get his opinion on the study, but I haven't heard back from his office yet. Well, it's too late to start my OC for this month, and I had been thinking about going off of it anyway so it looks like I won't be taking it for a while. I hope that doesn't turn out to be the wrong decision and that I'm not in unbearable pain in the next few months. I guess I am going to participate in the study even if I don't hear from my GYN. I mean, what do I really have to lose?