The story behind the saying...

A couple of people have asked where the whole "I love your guts" thing came from.

When I was still living in Lake Charles with my sister and her family, we were watching While You Were Out and the girl that they surprised told her husband/boyfriend, "I love your guts even more!". Well, we got such a kick out of it that we started telling my nieces, "I love your guts!". And they thought it was hilarious. Then I expanded it to, "I love your guts and your brains and your bones and your skin". Pretty much everything about a person that could be loved!

He's everywhere.

When I am in Lake Charles, there are memories of him every where I go. They don't usually hit me as hard as they did today.

He's at the Microtel, walking across the parking lot to his truck, which was the last time I saw him. The Microtel was also where we made love for the first time.

He's at Bennigan's, sitting at our table on the bayou, drinking a margarita on the rocks.

He's at the Civic Center, where we saw our first Pat Green concert together, and where we had a picnic on what was probably one of the windiest days EVER. We had to take turns eating and holding the other's stuff down.

He's at the boat launch, our quiet place to talk and just "be".

He's at America's Best Inn and Suites, our second choice hotel in Lake Charles.

He's at Johhny Carino's, his favorite place to eat.

He's in the parking garage at the hospital where we left his truck the first time he came to stay with me, which was also the weekend of our first date, and our first kiss. He's hugging me and kissing me trying to stop my tears. I knew he was special to me even after that very first date.

He's at the mall. That boy loved to shop.

He's at my grandparent's house, in the garage where we sat and talked for hours one night.

He's at my cousin's house, where we stayed one night, and where he brought me roses for the very first time. That was also the night I made him my famous lasagna, which turned out to be his most favorite thing ever.

He's everywhere.

How dare he leave me with this.

I am so angry at him right now that I can't even see straight. There are a handful of songs that I can listen to that cause me to "lose it". Three of them were played tonight. Even when I try to think of the wonderful things that could be happening in my life, my thoughts turn to him, and I am angry and bitter. And I cling to "things" (read: people) that aren't really mine to cling to.

I never thought I could love someone so much. But was that because I thought he needed saving? He very obviously did, I just wasn't the one that could save him. I guess no one could. I do have that problem. With thinking that everyone needs to be saved, and that I am the one who can save them. I wonder what I have to do to save myself?

Am I ever going to be capable of a healthy relationship now? I know that men who know what's happened in the last few months are going to be hesitant to have anything to do with me. I don't blame them one bit. I don't.

A mani and a pedi later...

and all is right with the world. Or something.
I shouldn't have splurged on myself like that, but I deserved it, DAMN IT!
I have Big Apple Red fingers and toes. Nick's favorite. So that's a little strange. I haven't had red toes since the last time I saw him at the end of July...
They do make me happy, though.

This one won't make you want to slit your wrists.

At least I don't think it will...

1. FIRST NAME: Nicole

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY & WHY?? Wednesday. I cry for no very good reason these days ...

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?? Ugh. No way

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?? Turkey

6. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?? 2 of the canine variety

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? some days

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yep

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? what's a lot?

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No, thank GOD

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? doubtful

12. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Sometimes

13. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically-yes, emotionally-not so much

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Coffee

16. SHOE SIZE? 6-1/2-7

17. RED OR PINK?? Blue

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? not being able to let go of the past

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Nick, duh.

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Nah

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Blue jeans, striped flip flops

22. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?? a golden oreo, yes, just one. YAY me.

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Revolution FM

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?? blue or silver. in a perfect world, blue AND silver swirled

25. FAVORITE SMELL? vanilla

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED WITH ON THE PHONE?? some idiot I work with

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU MEET? smile

28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? LOVE her guts

29. FAVORITE DRINK? coffee anything

30. FAVORITE SPORT? baseball

31. HAIR COLOR? shit brown

32. EYE COLOR?? see above

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope

34. FAVORITE FOOD? spinach

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy Endings

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Devil Wears Prada

37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? a t-shirt

38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Spring

39. HUGS OR KISSES? Both

40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Anything apple

41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND THE QUICKEST? please see above

42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? please see above

43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? None right now

44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?? polka dots

45. FAVORITE SOUNDS?? most music

46. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles

47. FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME?? Hawaii?

49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? training dogs

50. WHEN & WHERE WERE YOU BORN? 12/7/1975-Houston, TX

Let Go

Let Go
Allison Moorer

Sometimes in the mornings I wake up devastated that you're gone
It drives me kinda crazy and I tell myself it's been a little long
To still be expecting you to call me up on the phone
I don't like holding on but I can't let go
Sometimes a photograph of you will take my breath away
I don't think that time's a healer no matter what folks say
How can years fly by so fast and breaks in a heart mend so slow
I don't like holding on but I can't let go
Sometimes I'm in a room full of people when old lonely sits by me
And it makes me sad to realize that unlike you he wont ever leave
I wish I had some kind of pill to take this feeling from my bones
I don't like holding on but I can't let go

Anahuac

I used to send Nick a text message, "Guess where I am", every time I went through Anahuac, regardless of where we were in our relationship. It was another one of our inside jokes. I think it started because everytime we talked when I was on the way to or from Lake Charles or Oberlin, I was in Anahuac. I've made 6 trips through Anahuac since the day he died, and I cry each and every time I hit the Anahuac City Limit sign. I really miss him when I'm driving home from Lake Charles... I miss him driving TO LC also, but more when I'm on my way home. I guess because I'm sad having just left the family behind and thoughts of him only add to the sadness. I spent Christmas Eve with his mom. It was REALLY hard being in his house, sitting in "our" spot on the couch, being in his room just for that short amount of time. I also realized that day on my way to Oberlin that December 24th would have been 3 years since we met. The next milestone to get through is going to be Saturday, that will be 3 years since the very first time he called me. January 17th would be 3 years since our very first date, and the 18th would be 3 years since our first kiss.

I never thought I could miss someone so much. And I never thought I could feel this empty.

"Angels danced the day you were born"

Nick gave me a little plaque that says that for my birthday in 2004, along with the silver Humanity Bracelet. When he gave it to me, it was in a bag that said it was from his mom. But we talked about it a few months ago when he was here and he said that it was from him, but his mom couldn't afford to buy anything for me so he let her give it to me. I have it on the chest next to my bed, so it's the first thing I see when I wake up, and the last thing I see before I fall asleep.

I can't help but wonder if he still felt that way, even after all of the nasty things we said to one another. One of his last text messages to me said something along the lines of, "Well, at least now I am seeing the real you." My reply was, "Now you know that isn't true, Nick. You've hurt me more than I ever thought possible."

It made me realize that he really thought I was a good person, and that I had shattered that image with the nasty, overly emotional things I had said to him the last time we talked. I hope he hears me telling him how sorry I am, and how much I love and miss him.

Tomorrow?

No thank you.

I would seriously just like to skip it. I can't imagine not getting a phone call or text message from him. It didn't matter if we were angry with one another, on a "break", or just hadn't talked in a while for whatever reason, we ALWAYS talked on birthdays and holidays.

If I could fast forward to January, I would do it in a heartbeat. Maybe then I'd be one step closer to being okay. I try. I try really hard to be okay, to not think about it, and just when I start thinking I am doing a good job... Then the bottom breaks out.

Say what you mean.

Mean what you say.

Otherwise, shut the hell up.