I can't believe it's been 15 years.

15 years ago today I was a survivor of suicide for the first time. It was my junior year of high school and my friend Jay shot himself in the school parking lot. I don’t actually remember if he died on March 31st, or April 1st, but since I found out April 1st, that’s the day I remember him.
I was at my locker and was running late for first period which was Photography. I ran into my friend Shannon in the hall as I was running to class and she stopped me and told me that Jay was dead. Well, I’ve never been big on April Fool’s jokes, and this was certainly the LEAST funny joke ever. I made sure she knew I didn’t think she was funny and that’s when she looked up from her locker and I realized she wasn’t joking. Well, kind of realized it. Reality didn’t set in until I walked into the Photog classroom and didn’t see him in the chair in front of mine. I lost it and went straight into the lab while Mr. Caldarera broke the news to the class, and then I think there was an announcement made over the PA system. I was in the lab with my friend Stephanie and Mr. C’s assistant Mrs. Hamilton, who was my angel that morning.
You see, Jay and I were lab partners, meaning we pretty much had to share EVERYTHING. He wasn’t as serious about the class as I was and I managed to get pissed at him just about every day. We bickered like we were brother and sister.
I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. He would have accomplished great things if he hadn’t given up.
I miss you, Jay, and think of you often. I hope you’re up there kicking Nick’s ass for what he’s done, and Izzy’s ass, too. Oh, and can you somehow talk some sense into our friend from up there?

Happy Leap Year

Four years ago I asked Nick to marry me. I was kidding, kind of. Apparently, it's appropriate for a woman to propose to man on February 29th.

"Rules of courtship are quite different these days (and much less strict), but long ago women who were hoping to marry had to wait for their beaus to propose. They were not "allowed" to pop the question themselves, except on one day: on a leap year (February 29th) -- also known as Sadie Hawkins Day -- which occurs every four years. The tradition dates back hundreds of years, to when the leap year was not recognized by English law; the day was simply "leapt over" and ignored. Since it had no legal status, formal traditions did not apply on this day. Consequently, women who were not content to wait for a proposal took advantage of this anomaly and popped the question themselves. It was also thought that since leap year corrected the discrepancy between the calendar year (365 days) and the time it takes for the earth to complete one orbit of the sun (365 days and 6 hours), it was an opportunity for women to correct a tradition that was one-sided and unfair. Go ladies of yore!"

He obviously said no, but explained that when he proposed to me, he knew exactly how and where he was going to do it. Of course, I never found out what he'd had planned. I sure wish I had.
His 33rd birthday is next Sunday, March 9th.

13 months

Yesterday was 13 months. I was on my way to my second survivors of suicide support group when I realized it. I'd had a really shitty day and wasn't going to go, but I felt like I had to. I'm glad I did. It's hard, and I don't like crying the way I do when I'm there, in front of all of those people that I don't know, but no one judges. No one shakes their head at the things I say. In fact, they all nod in agreement at the way I'm feeling, or at the seemingly absurd things I say. You see, they're where I am. Sure, some of them are further along, some aren't as far along, but they get it. They get me. I'm glad I found them. Because right now they are the people I need. If you've never lost anyone to suicide, I pray with all of my heart that you never do. That you never feel this... this emptiness, this guilt, this anger, this hate, this hopelessness, this despair, this sadness.

That's a big word, huh?

agnostic

2 entries found for agnostic.
To select an entry, click on it.

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agnostic[1,noun] agnostic[2,adjective]

Main Entry: ¹ag·nos·tic
Pronunciation: ag-'näs-tik, &g-
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek agnOstos unknown, unknowable, from a- + gnOstos known, from gignOskein to know -- more at KNOW
1 : a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality (as God) is unknown and probably unknowable; broadly : one who is not committed to believing in either the existence or the nonexistence of God or a god
2 : a person unwilling to commit to an opinion about something agnostics>
- ag·nos·ti·cism /-t&-"si-z&m/ noun

Trust me, I NEVER thought I would say such a thing about myself, but I find myself singing along to the Contemporary Christian music in my MP3 player and I feel like a total hypocrite. I don't know that I believe in God anymore. I want to, more than you could ever know. I know there are people out there who have suffered more than I have and who still believe. More than ever before. I wish I were one of them. Really, I do.
I don't like the resentment or dislike or distrust I have in people now. I want to be the Nicole I was years ago. When life was planned. Predictable. Easy.
I come across this picture every now and then from high school, and I would give ANYTHING to go back to being THAT girl. I'll share it one of these days, because I am sure most of you don't believe me. I had a glowing personality, a great body(you think it's trivial. trust me, it isn't), and a pretty good outlook on life.
Where did she go? And how do I get her back?

Or, maybe not.

I had ANOTHER Dr. appointment this morning... I wanted his opinion on the research study I'd heard about. Well, I got it. He's against me doing it because the control medication is Depo Provera. Depo has a host of side effects that I knew about, but I thought it might be worth the risk. Dr. Korman disagrees. Strongly. He wants me back on the pill, but we are trying a low dose pill (20 mcg) to give my body a break from the high dose (50 mcg) I've been on since October. Hopefully this means I'll lose some of the weight I've put on since my first surgery, and that my depression will lessen. When he originally mentioned me going on OC's two years ago, I said absolutely not. The last time I was on the pill I was ridiculously depressed, and suicidal around "that time of the month". I was hesitant to go back on it, but when he started talking about my ability to conceive, my mind was changed.
So, another doozie from my appointment today: He would like to see me pregnant within the next two months. I'm not kidding. My mom was there with me when he said it. My jaw just about hit the ground and I came back with, "You got me a husband?". I mean REALLY. I have NOTHING against being a single mother, but it's what everyone else thinks (my family included) that would keep me from doing it.
So. Back to square one, I guess.

Stupid MySpace

I was coming over here to blog about something, got to looking around and found something that was like a punch in the gut.

The girl Nick was seeing is pregnant. Not with his child, of course. I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much.

I was coming over to blog about a pretty big decision I've made, I think. I was on my way back to the office from a Dr. appointment Monday morning and was listening to the radio (which I NEVER do) and started hearing this advertisement about Endometriosis. My ears perked up, of course. It was about a research study for an investigational research medication. I got here and looked up the website (www.petalstudy.com, if you're interested), filled out the questionnaire and got a call Wednesday to set up an appointment. I have to be off of OC's for one month before going in for my first appointment. So, I've got an appointment for September 13th. I sent a fax to my GYN yesterday to get his opinion on the study, but I haven't heard back from his office yet. Well, it's too late to start my OC for this month, and I had been thinking about going off of it anyway so it looks like I won't be taking it for a while. I hope that doesn't turn out to be the wrong decision and that I'm not in unbearable pain in the next few months. I guess I am going to participate in the study even if I don't hear from my GYN. I mean, what do I really have to lose?

Yeah, it's been a while.

I've been blogging on Myspace lately. Click HERE.

I'll probably start moving those over here, but who knows when I'll actually get around to it...

Save My Life

She's back on drugs again
Even though she knows it ain't right
She can't even call up her friends
And say "help me save my life"
She's so ashamed of herself that she's come full circle
Nobody understands what it's like to
Be this girl
So she disappeared, and she
Wasn't clear, and she
Didn't say where she was going

Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you hear me
Save my life, won't you help me

She had the man of her dreams
And some success
And she was so happy, and looking well
It was this one dark night, that she
Slipped
And then the next morning that she
Felt like a piece of shit
So she's hanging out, and she's
With the crowd, and she's
Travelin' where the wind is blowing

Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you hear me
Save my life, won't you help me

And he's a real good guy and he
Wants to save her 'cause he's
More than been there all before
And she's so confused and his heart is breaking and he
Dreams she's knocking on his door

Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you hear me
Save my life, won't you help me



Now, if you know me at all, you know that I have never had a "drug problem". But for three years, "HE", was my drug. I don't know what to do without him most days. I wish he would stop playing in my head, in my dreams, but I don't know what to do to delete him from my every day life. Just when I think I am getting on with my life, a night like tonight comes along where I question every decision I've made the last 10 months.
I can't believe Pete's been gone for almost a year. I remember the night I heard things had taken a turn for the worse, and that he wasn't expected to live another week. How could I have known it would only be another few hours? If I had known that, I would have made every effort to get to him and to tell him thank you for being the father I didn't have during that time.
I think about Pete and Nick often at the same time, I guess, because they passed so close to one another (within three months of one another).
It pisses me off more than you can ever know that I have seen SO many people FIGHT with all of their being to LIVE, and he gave up "just like that". What the hell gave him the right? How DARE he leave those of us that cared about him more he ever knew?
I see a dark blue Dodge truck, or a dark green Explorer and I see him. I don't want to. I don't want to see him, I don't want to think about him, but he finds someway to get in "there", and I don't know how to stop him.

If I didn't have bad luck

I'd have no luck at all. Seriously.

I got home from work last night and saw that Bear chewed his way through the carpet and pad to the sub-floor. It's about a three by two inch rectangle, the exact shape of the cross bars of his crate. Little shit. I don't know what I am going to do with him. He's getting worse with age instead of better.

Then, I was on my way to dinner when I got a flat tire. Fortunately, there were three guys with me so they changed the tire. If they hadn't been with me, I would have had to wait who knows how long for either my insurance, OnStar, or the dealership to send someone to change it for me. Yes, I can change a tire, but I have three different services available to do it for me for FREE. I'd be a fool not to use one of them! After researching the cost of a replacement tire, I can't believe I am going to have to shell out over $150 for this stupid little tire. I struck a MAJOR deal on the 32 inch tires I used on my Jeep and got them for $65 each, and they lasted forever! But whatever, good thing I have that Firestone credit card.

I got a VERY tempting invitation for this weekend, but I am going to have to pass on it because I really can't think of anything better than just staying home with the kids and being L.A.Z.Y.

No more dreams, please.

I've been dreaming about Nick every night for about the past week. I wake up in tears and unable to breathe. The one last night was especially hard to wake up from. I keep dreaming that he's not dead. That he faked his death to get out of some kind of trouble or something.
He came to my apartment in the middle of the night and we sat up for hours just talking, him crying, me wiping away his tears like I used to do when he'd cry, which wasn't very often, and like he'd do when I cried. Then he left my apartment to take some little girl home (no idea about that, it was totally random) and I went to find him after a few minutes but couldn't. I woke up saying his name and crying. I keep thinking that he ISN'T dead, that it was NOT him in that casket. I know it's easy to slip into denial when you don't have the closure of a funeral, or even a memorial service, but I SAW HIM in the casket, I saw them CLOSE the casket after we all said goodbye, after I kissed him for the last time. Why am I still fighting to accept that he's gone? Why can't I move on?