Tagged

1. I spend more money on one roll of paper towels than I do on 4 rolls of toilet paper. VIVA!

2. My favorite food in the whole entire world is spinach.

3. I buy each dog at least one toy when I go to Wal-Mart or Target.

4. I talk to my dogs as though they are people. My neighbors think I am nuts, but are amazed at how well behaved the kids are, especially Chelsea.

5. I have had a total of 10 surgeries: 3 eye, 3 ankle, tonsilectomy, LEEP, 2 laparoscopies.

6. I despise mayonnaise, sour cream, cottage cheese, plain yogurt, butter and cream cheese (unless it has jalapeno jelly on it)

7. Most women see their GYN maybe twice a year. I saw mine eight times in 2006, and have already seen him three times in 2007.

8. I know at least three ways to get just about anywhere in Houston. I have a great sense of direction, and never get lost.

9. I have had the same best friend since I was 12.

10. I want to run a dog rescue/training center someday.

TGIF

It's been a shitty week. I really thought that if I could get over March 9th, that I'd start getting better. I stayed home sick Friday, slept most of the day. When I wasn't sleeping, my thoughts were consumed with Nick. Of memories, of regrets, of the fact that I really don't know how I will ever possibly love anyone that much ever again. Last weekend I really didn't do much. Slept a lot, bathed the dogs, washed the car on Saturday. Slept a lot, did laundry, watched SATC and groomed Chelsea and Toby (a friend's dog) on Sunday. Monday was a doozie. I had a major breakdown Monday night. Like, crying so hard I had to pull off the road. Thank God for Meredith. I don't know that I would have made it home without her talking me through it. I said a lot of things that I didn't mean that night. I'm noticing more and more that I do that when I get frustrated and angry, and I know that I have got to stop. I know I do. The rest of the week hasn't been much better. I just feel, for lack of a better word, BLAH. I don't get excited about anything really. Most of the things I do after work and on the weekends, I only do because I feel like they are expected of me. Honestly, I would rather just stay home and hang out with Chelsea and Bear, read, watch TV, just "be". This week was week three of the Lexapro. I think it's pretty obvious this is not the drug for me. I go in Monday for a med check and I am sure Korman will know just by looking at me. He just has that ability.
So, tonight I was actually "okay". I was going to meet an old friend for a quiet dinner and talked to my mother on the way to meet Amy. First she's bitching at me to change the call back tone on my phone (my thoughts-you don't like it, don't call), then she starts giving me a hard time because I hadn't committed to going sailing. I have things I have to get done around the house, you know, like normal people do on the weekends? But see, she's had a maid for, oh, I guess the last 30 something years. If it wasn't my sister or me, it was someone else. Just not her. She thinks that everyone should just be able to go and do as she does. There's a reason her boat is named "Planet Janet". She literally lives on her own planet, and thinks everyone else's lives should revolve around hers. So, she gets pissed off at me because I really wasn't in the mood to be given a hard time about ANYTHING, and spouts off some shit like, "Well, you just have a bad attitude, so..." That's when I hung up the phone. Now, I don't usually hang up on people, but I knew EXACTLY how she was going to finish that sentence. Something along the lines of, "...I'm just going to let you go." Well, I beat her to it. I'm just so sick of her lack of empathy. She has made no effort at trying to understand why I am the way I am right now. I really think that she thinks I should be over it already. That life should be back to normal, whatever normal is or was, and that I should be done grieving and that I have no right to still be upset. How do I make her understand? And that's a rhetorical question, because I know that's impossible.
And people wonder WHY I've secluded myself and limit what, where and who I spend time with.
Well, enough rambling. Just had to vent, I suppose.

32 years ago

Nakia "Nick" Elathey Joseph Ware was born.

Happy birthday, love of my life. You are in my constant thoughts, and will always occupy a huge part of my heart and soul. I only wish you could have seen how special you were to everyone that knew you. You touched so many people's lives with your smile, and the kind things you always did for everyone. You are so missed. By me, by your mom, your mahmah, Krystal, Micheal. Everyone.

I miss your guts. I sure wish we could find that keychain from three years ago.

I love you. Always and forever.

The story behind the saying...

A couple of people have asked where the whole "I love your guts" thing came from.

When I was still living in Lake Charles with my sister and her family, we were watching While You Were Out and the girl that they surprised told her husband/boyfriend, "I love your guts even more!". Well, we got such a kick out of it that we started telling my nieces, "I love your guts!". And they thought it was hilarious. Then I expanded it to, "I love your guts and your brains and your bones and your skin". Pretty much everything about a person that could be loved!

He's everywhere.

When I am in Lake Charles, there are memories of him every where I go. They don't usually hit me as hard as they did today.

He's at the Microtel, walking across the parking lot to his truck, which was the last time I saw him. The Microtel was also where we made love for the first time.

He's at Bennigan's, sitting at our table on the bayou, drinking a margarita on the rocks.

He's at the Civic Center, where we saw our first Pat Green concert together, and where we had a picnic on what was probably one of the windiest days EVER. We had to take turns eating and holding the other's stuff down.

He's at the boat launch, our quiet place to talk and just "be".

He's at America's Best Inn and Suites, our second choice hotel in Lake Charles.

He's at Johhny Carino's, his favorite place to eat.

He's in the parking garage at the hospital where we left his truck the first time he came to stay with me, which was also the weekend of our first date, and our first kiss. He's hugging me and kissing me trying to stop my tears. I knew he was special to me even after that very first date.

He's at the mall. That boy loved to shop.

He's at my grandparent's house, in the garage where we sat and talked for hours one night.

He's at my cousin's house, where we stayed one night, and where he brought me roses for the very first time. That was also the night I made him my famous lasagna, which turned out to be his most favorite thing ever.

He's everywhere.

How dare he leave me with this.

I am so angry at him right now that I can't even see straight. There are a handful of songs that I can listen to that cause me to "lose it". Three of them were played tonight. Even when I try to think of the wonderful things that could be happening in my life, my thoughts turn to him, and I am angry and bitter. And I cling to "things" (read: people) that aren't really mine to cling to.

I never thought I could love someone so much. But was that because I thought he needed saving? He very obviously did, I just wasn't the one that could save him. I guess no one could. I do have that problem. With thinking that everyone needs to be saved, and that I am the one who can save them. I wonder what I have to do to save myself?

Am I ever going to be capable of a healthy relationship now? I know that men who know what's happened in the last few months are going to be hesitant to have anything to do with me. I don't blame them one bit. I don't.

A mani and a pedi later...

and all is right with the world. Or something.
I shouldn't have splurged on myself like that, but I deserved it, DAMN IT!
I have Big Apple Red fingers and toes. Nick's favorite. So that's a little strange. I haven't had red toes since the last time I saw him at the end of July...
They do make me happy, though.

This one won't make you want to slit your wrists.

At least I don't think it will...

1. FIRST NAME: Nicole

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY & WHY?? Wednesday. I cry for no very good reason these days ...

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?? Ugh. No way

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?? Turkey

6. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?? 2 of the canine variety

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? some days

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yep

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? what's a lot?

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No, thank GOD

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? doubtful

12. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Sometimes

13. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically-yes, emotionally-not so much

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Coffee

16. SHOE SIZE? 6-1/2-7

17. RED OR PINK?? Blue

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? not being able to let go of the past

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Nick, duh.

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Nah

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Blue jeans, striped flip flops

22. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?? a golden oreo, yes, just one. YAY me.

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Revolution FM

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?? blue or silver. in a perfect world, blue AND silver swirled

25. FAVORITE SMELL? vanilla

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED WITH ON THE PHONE?? some idiot I work with

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU MEET? smile

28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? LOVE her guts

29. FAVORITE DRINK? coffee anything

30. FAVORITE SPORT? baseball

31. HAIR COLOR? shit brown

32. EYE COLOR?? see above

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope

34. FAVORITE FOOD? spinach

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy Endings

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Devil Wears Prada

37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? a t-shirt

38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Spring

39. HUGS OR KISSES? Both

40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Anything apple

41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND THE QUICKEST? please see above

42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? please see above

43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? None right now

44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?? polka dots

45. FAVORITE SOUNDS?? most music

46. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles

47. FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME?? Hawaii?

49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? training dogs

50. WHEN & WHERE WERE YOU BORN? 12/7/1975-Houston, TX

Let Go

Let Go
Allison Moorer

Sometimes in the mornings I wake up devastated that you're gone
It drives me kinda crazy and I tell myself it's been a little long
To still be expecting you to call me up on the phone
I don't like holding on but I can't let go
Sometimes a photograph of you will take my breath away
I don't think that time's a healer no matter what folks say
How can years fly by so fast and breaks in a heart mend so slow
I don't like holding on but I can't let go
Sometimes I'm in a room full of people when old lonely sits by me
And it makes me sad to realize that unlike you he wont ever leave
I wish I had some kind of pill to take this feeling from my bones
I don't like holding on but I can't let go

Anahuac

I used to send Nick a text message, "Guess where I am", every time I went through Anahuac, regardless of where we were in our relationship. It was another one of our inside jokes. I think it started because everytime we talked when I was on the way to or from Lake Charles or Oberlin, I was in Anahuac. I've made 6 trips through Anahuac since the day he died, and I cry each and every time I hit the Anahuac City Limit sign. I really miss him when I'm driving home from Lake Charles... I miss him driving TO LC also, but more when I'm on my way home. I guess because I'm sad having just left the family behind and thoughts of him only add to the sadness. I spent Christmas Eve with his mom. It was REALLY hard being in his house, sitting in "our" spot on the couch, being in his room just for that short amount of time. I also realized that day on my way to Oberlin that December 24th would have been 3 years since we met. The next milestone to get through is going to be Saturday, that will be 3 years since the very first time he called me. January 17th would be 3 years since our very first date, and the 18th would be 3 years since our first kiss.

I never thought I could miss someone so much. And I never thought I could feel this empty.