Stuck.

I keep thinking of blogs I could post, but I don't.

I feel stuck.

Stagnate.

And I don't like it.

I feel like I want to shake things up, but do I really want to?

It doesn't make sense.

I know.

So done.

That's right. I am so done being the one to put myself out there in friendships. My time is better spent with friends who reciprocate what I give. Is it always going to be 50/50? No. But I am not going to continue settling for 90% on my end, and 5% on theirs. You're thinking that math doesn't add up, aren't you? Well it does. That extra 5% is just out there. That extra 5% is when I TRY to STOP trying.

Quality, not quantity, people.

It can only get better, right?

Some of you may have read my other blog, if so, this isn't really new news for you.

Pete, my mom's ex, died on July 24th after a year long battle with kidney cancer. A lot of people have asked how my vacation went, and I feel awful when I say that it was horrible, but it was. I got the call that he had taken a major turn for the worse the night before and that they were only giving him another week or so. You can imagine my surprise when we got the call that he passed away the next day. I was able to get home in time for the Memorial Service, for which I am very grateful. I owed Pete so much. I doubt he knew just how much he meant to me, how much I appreciate everything he ever did for me. He taught me to drive. He wiped the tears off my cheeks when I was 16 and broken hearted convinced that I would "never find a love like that again!". The drama, I know. "Men are like busses," he said, "another one will be around the corner in 15 minutes". He also never told my mom about a $400 cell phone bill I ran up when I was 17 talking to my (then) boyfriend Craig who had gone back to ERAU in Prescott, AZ. Now keep in mind that this was 1993 and there was no such thing as "Unlimited" minutes. I didn't know anything about cell phones and figured there was no way they logged the numbers called or the duration of each call. I was wrong. He never mentioned it to me either. I saw the bill when I was sitting in his office playing Solitaire on his computer. I have so many other great memories of him. He was a (GREAT) father to me when my own was not around. He will be missed by so many people.

I felt so guilty for not being here, and not only because of Pete, but because of Owen, too.

Owen finally got out of the hospital but still has the tracheotomy. They had doctor appointments yesterday to see about having it removed and got some pretty heartbreaking news. It won't be removed for AT LEAST another 5 weeks. I guess it's good news that they think it WILL eventually be removed, right? Denise was telling me that they went to Worship on Sunday and Owen saw someone looking at him so he put the Church Bulletin up so he couldn't anyone, and so they couldn't see him. How sad is that? A 3 and a half year old being so self conscious is enough to break your heart.

And you know how they say bad things happen in 3s? Well, the third was something I was not expecting. I found out the man I've been "seeing" for 2 and half years has been "talking" to someone else. I probably would not have handled it so bad if he had been honest with me as soon as he started talking to her. The last time we were together was the Friday before I left for Alabama. They had been talking for about 2 months prior to that. Interesting, huh?

Come out, come out wherever you are...

I checked out my statcounter this morning. 60 something visits yesterday and today? Who are you? Tell me.

Pretty please with sugar on top?

Men are like busses...

There's another one coming around the corner every 15 minutes.

That's what my (ex) step-father told me when I was 16 and was convinced I was going to die of a broken heart, and that I would never find "a love like that again". Ha. I know.

I remember I chuckled through my tears a little. I wish he was here to wipe my tears away, and tell me that again, but he died last Monday of cancer.

It's been a rotten, no good, very bad 2 weeks. What's that they say about bad things happening in threes? Between Owen's ordeal, Pete dying, and the crushing feeling I am having in my chest from last night, I don't know that I could take much more right now.

If I delete posts, will that make it easier?

And the Best Aunt of the Year award goes to:

Me!

I had my nieces, Cameron and Averie, as well as Hannah, one of their friends, this weekend.

Friday we went to McDonalds for Happy Meals and play time:
















And they got free ice cream cones for being so cute and well behaved:



















Then we went to the park to tire them out:
Cameron





















Averie





















Hannah






















And it worked like a charm:






















Saturday morning we went to Brayden's first birthday party. Best damn birthday cake EVER.



















We went to see Cars after the party, went to the wave pool after Cars, and went to the park after the wave pool.


















Then we went home, bathed, ate dinner and made brownies.
















The were all asleep by 10:00 pm, thank goodness! I don't think I could have gone another minute! Sunday we all went for an early lunch at Joe's and the kids headed back to Lake Charles with their parents. I think my 3 hour nap was WELL DESERVED on Sunday!

I can't wait for July 21st-29th when I have an entire week at the beach with them.

Going Away


Lately I'm feeling kinda broken,
like a man out of sorts with the world,
and I ain't got no explanation,
and if I did I know I'd sound absurd.

I can't change a thing no matter what I do,
and you don't care what I say,
I can't hide the pain anymore,
ohhh I'm going away.

I just need a way to keep the rain out,
to land with my both feet on the ground,
but every time I go to stand up on my own,
you come along, you come along and knock me down.

I can't change a thing no matter what I do,
and you don't care what I say,
I can't hide the pain anymore,
ohhh I'm going away.

Maybe I'll break out for the mountains,
or maybe I'll head for Mexico,
then you come in beggin' pleading,
you said baby please don't leave me,
but I've made up my mind,
I've made up my mind it's time to go.

I'M MELTING

Is it possible for your skin to melt off? Because I am pretty sure mine is. If I were outside where it's 90 degrees + I could understand being so damn hot. But I am in my office with the thermostat at 72 and I am so freaking hot. My hands are so sweaty, and I feel like I am sitting on a heating pad.

Guess it's time to break out the ice packs and desk fan.

Good thing it didn't say "Ms. Piggy"

I'd have plunged from atop the Kemah bridge.

You Are Scooter

Brainy and knowledgable, you are the perfect sidekick. You're always willing to lend a helping hand. In any big event or party, you're the one who keeps things going. "15 seconds to showtime!"

The Muppet Personality Test

Today is officially...

Hug a menopausal woman day.

I had my first really bad bout with night sweats last night. Woke me up at 2:00 am, didn't get back to sleep until sometime around 5:30 am, only to have to get up at 7:00 am for work. It was disgusting. I had to take a shower and then I couldn't get back to sleep so I read for a while. I am also increasingly emotional. I am pretty much always hyper-sensitive, but this is ridiculous.

A couple of things people can do to help me out:
1. If I say I can't do something, whether it's because I can't afford it or if I am not feeling well, please don't tell me I suck, and please don't be angry with me. This is hard enough. And trust me, I would much rather be out having fun with people who make me laugh and smile, than sitting at home twiddling my thumbs with nothing to do.
2. If I am upset at the prospect of not having children, please don't let the first words out of your mouth be "You can always adopt". I know this is an option, but very few people understand just how desperately I want to conceive a child with a man I love, and experience pregnancy and childbirth. I know it's hard for people to understand, and I honestly don't expect anyone to understand if they haven't been through any of this themselves.

Well, I really thought there were more than two situations I wanted to address...but I've lost my train of thought which also happens fairly often these days. This is not meant for just one or two people. It's meant for just about everyone I know, including people who will probably never read it. I wish I could just tell people what I think when they've upset me or hurt my feelings but I can't. I have not ever been able to do that until it gets to the point where I am going to explode and just write off the friendship completely. I realize that I should not let it get so bad, but bottling things up is just what I do.

So, I guess I should include an update of sorts.

Nick: He did, in fact, come to see me over Memorial Day weekend. We had a good time. If nothing else, I got a ceiling fan and a programmable thermostat out of the visit. If you don't have a programmable thermostat, you should really get one. They are the neatest things ever and I have already seen a pretty big savings on my electric bill. He won't be able to come back here for at least a month because he is working 6-12s...

Lupron: I am a little more than 2 months into the treatment and I am scheduled to get my second of the two three month injections on July 3rd. Did that make sense?... Probably not. The side effects I am finding most difficult to deal with are the weight gain/swelling, lethargy, insomnia, bone/joint pain (esp. in my hands, shins, ankles and feet), hot flashes/night sweats, tachycardia(rapid heart beat), dizziness and mood swings/bouts of anger. I know that all of these should subside sometime around the end of October, so I am just looking forward to that and trying not to get too down in the meantime.

Here are some links to pictures from the last couple of weekends:
6/9-10 My cousin's wedding/Grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary in Lake Charles
6/2-4 Ryan Turner and the weekend of sailing
5/28-29 Nick and Bear

Well, that's it I guess. Not very exciting. Sorry....