These are just some of the words that people have used to describe me lately. Well, not lately, but before the surgery, before I took my LOA from going out. I tried to just let it roll off my back at first, but now I realize just how much it hurts.
Mopey-I suppose maybe I was mopey. But if you were living with a chronic disease that causes you pain and discomfort, every single day, in one way or another you would be mopey, too. I know I don't have cancer, I know that what I have isn't going to kill me, but I don't need people to tell me how much worse it could be. For me, it's bad, it sucks. And if you don't know what it's like, you have absolutely no right to tell me how I should accept it, act, etc.
Pissy-Just because I don't have a smile plastered on my face does not mean that I am pissy. And for that to be the first thing someone says when they see me? WTH? If I see someone looking maybe not-so-happy, I sure as hell wouldn't approach them like that. I am pretty sure I would ask if everything was okay, if there was anything I could do if everything WASN'T okay. But I guess that's just me.
Pity Party-Aren't we all entightled to one every now and then? It's amazed me lately how unEMPATHETIC people can be. Again, if I thought that someone was throwing themselves a pity party, I wouldn't put them down for it. Again, I would ask if there was anything I could do to help, whether it be just to listen, or just to wipe the tears from their eyes.
The next few months have the potential to be less than enjoyable. I started the Lupron Depot injections Monday. No turning back now.
I am sure some of you are sick of hearing about endometriosis, but it is a huge part of my life, it affects me EVERY SINGLE day. So if you don't want to hear about it, you should probably stay away from this blog...
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Hi, My name is Nicole...
and I have problems when it comes to asking people for help.
After my surgery, I had countless people telling me to let them know if I needed help with anything. Easier said than done. Instead of sucking it up and asking for help, I sat in my apartment for 4 days, alone except for the company of my dog. My sister called me the Friday after my surgery and could tell I was really down and told me to get a bag together, that she was going to come and pick me up and was bringing me back to Lake Charles to convalesce at her house. She is the one person who has ever realized my issues with asking people for help. I have always been VERY independent, I had to be when I was growing up since my mother really wasn't around very much.
My sister first realized I had a hard time asking for help 2 and half years ago when I moved from Lake Charles back to Houston. We were in the middle of loading up the truck and I lost it. I broke down partially because I was moving away from her and my nieces, the people my life had revolved around for a year and half. But I also lost it because I was totally overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done within the next 14 hours, and I knew that we couldn't get it all done, and my brother in law was working 7-14s and wasn't going to be home for another few hours. She asked if we needed more help and I told her no. Thank God she didn't listen to me...she called a couple that we had become friends with and they were there within 20 minutes ready to do anything they could to help.
This past weekend was similar to that. I am in the process of moving, and I am still on lifting restrictions, no more than 15 pounds. I don't think there is anything in my apartment that weighs less than 15 pounds, and then of course there are the boxes of pictures, books, candles, tchotchkes, and kitchen crap. There were probably 10 or so people that I could have called to help, but I couldn't. Sunday, my mom and her boyfriend Laird came and helped me take a load, and then some older friends called and offered help, so we took a load over. Thank goodness for them, but I still have TOO MUCH crap to move. I did schedule for movers to come and get the big stuff. 6:30 am Wednesday is going to be before I know it. And I still have too much to do! Good thing I don't really have to be out of my old place for another 3 weeks or so.
Why can't I ask for help when I need it? Life would be SO much easier. And I know that anyone I asked for help would be there lickety split. I should work on that.
After my surgery, I had countless people telling me to let them know if I needed help with anything. Easier said than done. Instead of sucking it up and asking for help, I sat in my apartment for 4 days, alone except for the company of my dog. My sister called me the Friday after my surgery and could tell I was really down and told me to get a bag together, that she was going to come and pick me up and was bringing me back to Lake Charles to convalesce at her house. She is the one person who has ever realized my issues with asking people for help. I have always been VERY independent, I had to be when I was growing up since my mother really wasn't around very much.
My sister first realized I had a hard time asking for help 2 and half years ago when I moved from Lake Charles back to Houston. We were in the middle of loading up the truck and I lost it. I broke down partially because I was moving away from her and my nieces, the people my life had revolved around for a year and half. But I also lost it because I was totally overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done within the next 14 hours, and I knew that we couldn't get it all done, and my brother in law was working 7-14s and wasn't going to be home for another few hours. She asked if we needed more help and I told her no. Thank God she didn't listen to me...she called a couple that we had become friends with and they were there within 20 minutes ready to do anything they could to help.
This past weekend was similar to that. I am in the process of moving, and I am still on lifting restrictions, no more than 15 pounds. I don't think there is anything in my apartment that weighs less than 15 pounds, and then of course there are the boxes of pictures, books, candles, tchotchkes, and kitchen crap. There were probably 10 or so people that I could have called to help, but I couldn't. Sunday, my mom and her boyfriend Laird came and helped me take a load, and then some older friends called and offered help, so we took a load over. Thank goodness for them, but I still have TOO MUCH crap to move. I did schedule for movers to come and get the big stuff. 6:30 am Wednesday is going to be before I know it. And I still have too much to do! Good thing I don't really have to be out of my old place for another 3 weeks or so.
Why can't I ask for help when I need it? Life would be SO much easier. And I know that anyone I asked for help would be there lickety split. I should work on that.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Eyes Wide Open
It's amazing what you learn about people when you are going through hard times. I have needed my friends to lean on the last couple of days, and the people that I have been friends with the longest have failed me. These are people that I have gone out of my way to visit in the hospital or at home soon after giving birth, an illness, etc., and not a single one of them has offered to come visit me, help me out, nothing. And you know what? The same exact thing happened last year when I had surgery. Guess it's time to re-evaluate my relationships. Fed-Ex came by yesterday to drop some tires off for my neighbor, but when I saw the delivery guy, I initially thought maybe someone had sent me flowers or something. How foolish did I feel when he said, "Can I leave these tires here for Mr. Sledge?" I am sick of being disappointed. I don't need anyone to DO anything for me, except maybe stop by to visit for a little while, maybe watch a movie or something. It makes me sad, in a way, that the people who have offered to do anything they could are people I have known for less than a year. Knowing that I could call 10 or so of them, and knowing that they would be here as soon as possible makes me realize even more that the people I SHOULD be able to depend on just aren't there for me.
So, to those of you who have kept me in your prayers, who have offered to do help me out in any way possible, know that I am more grateful and appreciative than you will ever know, and that if I can ever return the favor, I will do so in a heartbeat.
Sorry if this is a little rambly. It's 5:00 am and the latest dose of vicodin is finally kicking in.
So, to those of you who have kept me in your prayers, who have offered to do help me out in any way possible, know that I am more grateful and appreciative than you will ever know, and that if I can ever return the favor, I will do so in a heartbeat.
Sorry if this is a little rambly. It's 5:00 am and the latest dose of vicodin is finally kicking in.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Guess I'll play along...
Saw this on Sara and Heather's blogs and thought I would play along...
Pick a band and only answer the questions using song titles.
1. Name of band/artist: Ryan Turner
2. Are you male or female?: Julie's Gonna Dance
3. Describe yourself: She's No Amy
4. How do you feel about yourself?: My Days My Way
5. Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Back In Your Arms
6. Describe current girlfriend/boyfriend: What's it Gonna Be
7. Describe where you want to be: My Side of Town
8. Describe how you live: Same Old Thing
9. Describe how you love: Rollin' Up My Sleeves
10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish?: A Real Good Day
11. Share a few words of Wisdom: The Heart Has a Mind of Its Own
12. Now say goodbye: Would You Run
Pick a band and only answer the questions using song titles.
1. Name of band/artist: Ryan Turner
2. Are you male or female?: Julie's Gonna Dance
3. Describe yourself: She's No Amy
4. How do you feel about yourself?: My Days My Way
5. Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Back In Your Arms
6. Describe current girlfriend/boyfriend: What's it Gonna Be
7. Describe where you want to be: My Side of Town
8. Describe how you live: Same Old Thing
9. Describe how you love: Rollin' Up My Sleeves
10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish?: A Real Good Day
11. Share a few words of Wisdom: The Heart Has a Mind of Its Own
12. Now say goodbye: Would You Run
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Would I be missed?
I mean, if something were to happen to me? Would the people I call my friends miss me?
I tend to think they wouldn't. I have pretty much had the same group of friends since junior high/high school. I've let very few people really get to know me, know my weaknesses and my strengths. For some reason I keep them locked away until I feel the time might be right, or feel that they might be ready. And you know, the few people I have let in over the last 10 years have, at some point, done something to make me regret that decision.
Back to my original thought... the group of friends I refer to have all seemed to outgrow me, or maybe in some ways I have outgrown them. These are just some of the people who know the real me, who have known me for the better part of the last 16 years, and who accept me for who I am, shortcomings and all.
Denise-my "best friend" since November of the 7th grade. The savior of my first day at Clear Lake Intermediate. My math teacher asked Denise to show me around during lunch, thank goodness. The 7th grade was not an easy year for me. I ended the 6th grade at one school,not knowing that I wouldn't be back. That summer was horrible. I started the 7th grade at a school near my father's house, since I was living with him at that time. This school was a nightmare, I did not make any friends and basically hated life. Then my sister and I went to live with my mother again, and moved to Clear Lake. Denise has exactly the life she always wanted. She is married to her high school sweetheart, they have 2 boys, and she is a kindergarten teacher. Exactly what she always wanted, and exactly how she saw her life. While I am SO happy for her, I can't help but feel like I've been left behind. We used to talk at least a couple of times a week, now we might talk every other month. I don't like it at all, but I know how busy she is.
Kim-I am pretty sure I met her that first day as well. Kim has always been an awesome friend. She is someone I can cry with, drink with, party with, and do movie marathons with. Our relationship is the most versatile of all. She's married, too, no kids yet. Her husband is hilarious, and I love spending time with them. The problem is that they have the most active social life of any married couple I know, so time with Kim is pretty limited and hard to come by.
Amy-Another day one friend. She was in my english class, the first class I went to that day. I think it was 2nd or 3rd period. She was very nice that day, but admitted a couple of years later that she thought I would be a total bitch and a total snob. And with what I wore that day? I don't blame her one bit. Amy is married and just started teaching 2nd grade this past January. She went through an accelerated certification program and got a job in La Marque, a pretty impoverished area South of Clear Lake. She is crazy. Not as crazy as she used to be, but still pretty crazy. If we go out and there happens to be a karaoke machine around, Amy is the first one up there. Stone cold sober. The girl can't really carry a tune to save her life, but seeing her have that much fun is awesome.
Angie-She was in the same english class as Amy and me. She's married with one daughter. We were VERY close our junior and senior year of high school, probably because we were dating guys who were best friends. I have great memories of Angie and me during those months. I doubt she realizes how much I cherished those times. We helped each other through some pretty tough times, including breaking up with said best friends, and the suicide of a pretty close friend.
Rachel-Yet another day oner. And probably the most volatile friendship I have ever had. I'm not sure why that friendship has always been so difficult to maintain. She's married with one daughter and another kid on the way.
Josh-Yep. The one guy in our group. I didn't meet Josh until 9th grade because he went to a different junior high school. Funny guy, always up for a good time, but pretty unsettled. He's a nurse and decided last year that he wanted to be a contract nurse and travel to different places in the state. He only made it to one place, California, and stayed there for 2 contract periods. Last I heard he was doing missionary work with his Catholic church again. I found some interesting news about Josh this past December. He's gay. Not really a big surprise, we always had our suspicions, but he "came out" to Kim a year and a half ago. I haven't seen hime since I found out, but I would like to think I wouldn't act any differently towards him... I hope I don't.
Tanya-We met in 9th grade and she and Josh have been best friends for like ever. They lived down the street from one another until Josh left for A&M in 1994. She's married to Roger, a guy I had a SEVERE crush on in the 8th grade. They have 3 beautiful children, 2 girls, 1 boy. They live in Rifle, CO. They are another really fun couple. Always up for whatever includes drinking a few Coronas!
Layla-I guess we met during 7th grade, but didn't actually really become friends until 1999, when I finally transferred to UHCL and she was in the same program I was in. Layla has been married the longest of anyone my age... I think she and John had their 10th anniversary on December 31st. Get this, they have 6 kids. She just had number 6 a couple of weeks ago. If I am ever fortunate enough to have children of my own, I will go to Layla and John for parenting lessons. They are the best parents I have ever seen in my entire life. I sit and watch the way they work together and it literally brings tears to my eyes.
Kirsten-I think she moved to Clear Lake in the 8th grade, and on her first day I swooped her up and she was part of our group from day one. Kirsten and I have had such similar lives that it's almost scary. Similar I guess until she got married and had Riley (the beautiful baby in the pictures below). She's pregnant again and I couldn't be more happy for her and her husband, Todd. They live in Lima, Peru. They are a wonderful couple, and are probably the smartest people I have ever met. I mean, they are so smart that it is scary!
Wow, I'm not sure if that's everyone, but this is probably more than anyone will ever actually read. That's okay though, I wrote it more to get some perspective than for anyone to really read/comment on.
So, would I be missed? I do still wonder...
I tend to think they wouldn't. I have pretty much had the same group of friends since junior high/high school. I've let very few people really get to know me, know my weaknesses and my strengths. For some reason I keep them locked away until I feel the time might be right, or feel that they might be ready. And you know, the few people I have let in over the last 10 years have, at some point, done something to make me regret that decision.
Back to my original thought... the group of friends I refer to have all seemed to outgrow me, or maybe in some ways I have outgrown them. These are just some of the people who know the real me, who have known me for the better part of the last 16 years, and who accept me for who I am, shortcomings and all.
Denise-my "best friend" since November of the 7th grade. The savior of my first day at Clear Lake Intermediate. My math teacher asked Denise to show me around during lunch, thank goodness. The 7th grade was not an easy year for me. I ended the 6th grade at one school,not knowing that I wouldn't be back. That summer was horrible. I started the 7th grade at a school near my father's house, since I was living with him at that time. This school was a nightmare, I did not make any friends and basically hated life. Then my sister and I went to live with my mother again, and moved to Clear Lake. Denise has exactly the life she always wanted. She is married to her high school sweetheart, they have 2 boys, and she is a kindergarten teacher. Exactly what she always wanted, and exactly how she saw her life. While I am SO happy for her, I can't help but feel like I've been left behind. We used to talk at least a couple of times a week, now we might talk every other month. I don't like it at all, but I know how busy she is.
Kim-I am pretty sure I met her that first day as well. Kim has always been an awesome friend. She is someone I can cry with, drink with, party with, and do movie marathons with. Our relationship is the most versatile of all. She's married, too, no kids yet. Her husband is hilarious, and I love spending time with them. The problem is that they have the most active social life of any married couple I know, so time with Kim is pretty limited and hard to come by.
Amy-Another day one friend. She was in my english class, the first class I went to that day. I think it was 2nd or 3rd period. She was very nice that day, but admitted a couple of years later that she thought I would be a total bitch and a total snob. And with what I wore that day? I don't blame her one bit. Amy is married and just started teaching 2nd grade this past January. She went through an accelerated certification program and got a job in La Marque, a pretty impoverished area South of Clear Lake. She is crazy. Not as crazy as she used to be, but still pretty crazy. If we go out and there happens to be a karaoke machine around, Amy is the first one up there. Stone cold sober. The girl can't really carry a tune to save her life, but seeing her have that much fun is awesome.
Angie-She was in the same english class as Amy and me. She's married with one daughter. We were VERY close our junior and senior year of high school, probably because we were dating guys who were best friends. I have great memories of Angie and me during those months. I doubt she realizes how much I cherished those times. We helped each other through some pretty tough times, including breaking up with said best friends, and the suicide of a pretty close friend.
Rachel-Yet another day oner. And probably the most volatile friendship I have ever had. I'm not sure why that friendship has always been so difficult to maintain. She's married with one daughter and another kid on the way.
Josh-Yep. The one guy in our group. I didn't meet Josh until 9th grade because he went to a different junior high school. Funny guy, always up for a good time, but pretty unsettled. He's a nurse and decided last year that he wanted to be a contract nurse and travel to different places in the state. He only made it to one place, California, and stayed there for 2 contract periods. Last I heard he was doing missionary work with his Catholic church again. I found some interesting news about Josh this past December. He's gay. Not really a big surprise, we always had our suspicions, but he "came out" to Kim a year and a half ago. I haven't seen hime since I found out, but I would like to think I wouldn't act any differently towards him... I hope I don't.
Tanya-We met in 9th grade and she and Josh have been best friends for like ever. They lived down the street from one another until Josh left for A&M in 1994. She's married to Roger, a guy I had a SEVERE crush on in the 8th grade. They have 3 beautiful children, 2 girls, 1 boy. They live in Rifle, CO. They are another really fun couple. Always up for whatever includes drinking a few Coronas!
Layla-I guess we met during 7th grade, but didn't actually really become friends until 1999, when I finally transferred to UHCL and she was in the same program I was in. Layla has been married the longest of anyone my age... I think she and John had their 10th anniversary on December 31st. Get this, they have 6 kids. She just had number 6 a couple of weeks ago. If I am ever fortunate enough to have children of my own, I will go to Layla and John for parenting lessons. They are the best parents I have ever seen in my entire life. I sit and watch the way they work together and it literally brings tears to my eyes.
Kirsten-I think she moved to Clear Lake in the 8th grade, and on her first day I swooped her up and she was part of our group from day one. Kirsten and I have had such similar lives that it's almost scary. Similar I guess until she got married and had Riley (the beautiful baby in the pictures below). She's pregnant again and I couldn't be more happy for her and her husband, Todd. They live in Lima, Peru. They are a wonderful couple, and are probably the smartest people I have ever met. I mean, they are so smart that it is scary!
Wow, I'm not sure if that's everyone, but this is probably more than anyone will ever actually read. That's okay though, I wrote it more to get some perspective than for anyone to really read/comment on.
So, would I be missed? I do still wonder...
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Here we go...
again.
I had a Dr. appointment yesterday. I am having surgery on March 7th. My last surgery was April 15th, not even a year ago. In addition to the pelviscopy to remove new endometrial adhesions, I will also have a cystoscopy performed by my urologist who is looking for either interstitial cystitis or endometrial adhesions on my bladder. I'm really not nervous about the laparoscopy part, I know what to expect. Unfortunately, I am more than a little freaked out about the cystoscopy part. I mean, hello, you're putting a camera into my bladder, and you're doing it through my urethra? Vomit. At least I will be under anesthesia. I've been catheterized for tests over the last few months but they use pediatric catheters for that, and even those aren't much fun. I am pretty sure this scope is going to be a little bigger than a pediatric catheter. What is really freaking me out is what is going to happen after the surgery. Dr. Korman is really worried about maintaining my fertility, if I'm not already infertile, which we'll never know. So if he does the surgery and finds more aggressive implants, he will put me on Lupron Depot. Check out those side effects, "Side effects that have been associated with the use of Lupron Depot include hot flashes and/or night sweats in more than five percent of women; and palpitations, syncope, and tachycardia in less than five percent of the women who participated in clinical trials. Other side effects include generalized pain, headaches, vaginitis, nausea/vomiting, fluid retention, weight gain, acne, hirsutism, joint pain, decreased libido, depression, dizziness, nervousness, and breast changes that include tenderness and pain, among others. There have been no deaths directly related to therapy with Lupron Depot. "
Nice.
The girl who does the scheduling for Dr. Korman was cracking up as I was looking at the calendar to see which shows I would be willing to miss while I recover. I'm really not okay with missing any of them. Especially not Wade's CD release party, or Ryan's next show at the Firehouse. I don't want to miss Stoney's show at the Firehouse either, but that crowd is pretty rowdy and it's hard to deal with rowdy if you can't get rowdy, too. And since I have that ridiculous drive home, getting rowdy at the Firehouse isn't gonna happen. Oh well.
Is it Thursday yet?
I had a Dr. appointment yesterday. I am having surgery on March 7th. My last surgery was April 15th, not even a year ago. In addition to the pelviscopy to remove new endometrial adhesions, I will also have a cystoscopy performed by my urologist who is looking for either interstitial cystitis or endometrial adhesions on my bladder. I'm really not nervous about the laparoscopy part, I know what to expect. Unfortunately, I am more than a little freaked out about the cystoscopy part. I mean, hello, you're putting a camera into my bladder, and you're doing it through my urethra? Vomit. At least I will be under anesthesia. I've been catheterized for tests over the last few months but they use pediatric catheters for that, and even those aren't much fun. I am pretty sure this scope is going to be a little bigger than a pediatric catheter. What is really freaking me out is what is going to happen after the surgery. Dr. Korman is really worried about maintaining my fertility, if I'm not already infertile, which we'll never know. So if he does the surgery and finds more aggressive implants, he will put me on Lupron Depot. Check out those side effects, "Side effects that have been associated with the use of Lupron Depot include hot flashes and/or night sweats in more than five percent of women; and palpitations, syncope, and tachycardia in less than five percent of the women who participated in clinical trials. Other side effects include generalized pain, headaches, vaginitis, nausea/vomiting, fluid retention, weight gain, acne, hirsutism, joint pain, decreased libido, depression, dizziness, nervousness, and breast changes that include tenderness and pain, among others. There have been no deaths directly related to therapy with Lupron Depot. "
Nice.
The girl who does the scheduling for Dr. Korman was cracking up as I was looking at the calendar to see which shows I would be willing to miss while I recover. I'm really not okay with missing any of them. Especially not Wade's CD release party, or Ryan's next show at the Firehouse. I don't want to miss Stoney's show at the Firehouse either, but that crowd is pretty rowdy and it's hard to deal with rowdy if you can't get rowdy, too. And since I have that ridiculous drive home, getting rowdy at the Firehouse isn't gonna happen. Oh well.
Is it Thursday yet?
Thursday, February 09, 2006
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