Just me.

Five years.

2011-10-12T08:40:00.000-07:00

**Blogger auto post FAIL**

Once They're Gone by Adam Hood

35th birthday suckfest.

2010-12-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

That's all there is to it.

My dad and step momster met me the Sunday before at Armadillo Palace, one of my favorite places, so that was nice. My dad's birthday is two days after mine, so we usually meet for lunch or dinner the week of to celebrate and exchange gifts.

That Monday I worked and went to the gym, so nothing special there. Tuesday, the 7th, was my birthday. I brought my lunch because it was a little presumptuous to assume my boss would be taking me to eat since it hadn't been mentioned before. I turned down a couple of offers for dinner because I signed up for boot camp and was going to follow through with that commitment, no matter what else came up. I got to boot camp at 6:00, but we weren't scheduled to start until 6:15. I sat there until 6:20 waiting. No one else ever showed up. I was LIVID. Turns out they had combined the beginners class with the regular, but no one had informed me of this. I ended up leaving there and going to the gym which I guess was better than nothing. I had hummus, pita chips and carrots for dinner. Big time birthday dinner, huh?

My mom and I had plans to go to dinner Wednesday but she canceled on me. Typical. I still haven't gotten so much as a card from her. Isn't that nice? I hadn't brought gym clothes with me so I ended up treating myself to a manicure and a pedicure. I've decided that since I don't have anyone to buy the things I want as gifts, then I will just buy them myself. Hence the BEAUTIFUL Coach purse and matching Platinum Keurig.

This was my first birthday without my grandma. Her card was the one card I could count on to be in my mailbox the day before my birthday, and I never realized just how much I looked forward to that card until I didn't get it. I don't think I got a single birthday card in the mail, come to think of it. I'm usually okay being single, but when birthdays and holidays roll around, it sucks. I want that one person in my life that would make those days special.

Four years.

2010-10-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

Pink - Crystal Ball (Funhouse Tour Live In Australia)
Uploaded by Henrietta-Aime-Fumer_Tv. - See the latest featured music videos.

Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again
Up and down and round again, down and up and down again

Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all
Just to end up right back here on the floor
To end up right back here in on the floor

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the Crystal Ball

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and

I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes

Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me, what it's done to me
What is done...done

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Broken mirrors and a black cats cold stare
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there

But I'm not scared at all, hmm...I'm not scared at all.

And this is why she is my BFF.

2010-08-30T07:47:00.000-07:00

This is the email I got from my BFF (of almost 22 years!) this morning:
Hey Honey,
Tomorrow is the BIG or littler day depending on how you look at it. ;) Is there anything I can do, other than pray of course? Do you have preop today? I wanted to call you all weekend but things have just been crazy with the beginning of school! I also realized that not only do J and B have meet the teacher tomorrow but Owen has parent orientation at 5:30 tomorrow night. I can probably leave after orientation and come to see you but it will be after 6:30. I am just so excited for you but wanting to be with you and help you anyway I can. Do I need to stay with you after your Dad leaves? I will call you later, just know that I love you so much and can't wait for this exciting chapter in your life.
Love you!
Denise

She is the ONE person (in the United States-shout out to Irenda!) that offered to help me out with the dogs. Keep in mind she has a husband, four young children, a dog of her own and one of the most demanding jobs of anyone I know. She has been nothing but supportive and excited for me as I make this change. I hope she knows just how much I love her and appreciate having her as my BFFEEEE.

Catch 22

2009-10-27T14:06:00.000-07:00

I'm glad my pawpaw isn't here to witness what is going on with his family. Although, if he was still here, you can bet your ass none of this would be happening.
I'm not on anyone's side, because the way I see it, everyone has had a part in the wrongdoing. I'm so disgusted and disappointed that I can't even find the words.

I love my grandparents more than just about anyone else in this world. I am so thankful to them for giving me the best summers a young girl could have ever had. THOSE are the memories I treasure and think back on. Trips to Toledo Bend in the back of pawpaw's truck with the camper on it with my kissin' cousin and a "boom box" listening to music and catching up on life, playing dominoes, Uno or Skip Bo and Bouree when we got older. I learned how to appreciate spending time with my family from them, and I'm sad to think that's over now because no one is getting along. It seems everyone's motives are self serving and that makes me sad.

Three years.

2009-10-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

Pink - Who Knew | Music Videos | SPIKE.com

Yeah, I'm crafty.

2009-09-30T11:31:00.001-07:00

Averie and I are Making Strides Against Breast Cancer this weekend in Sulphur, LA and my cousin named our team "Ta-Ta's and Tu-Tu's". This is Averie's tu-tu. Cute, yes?

Sometimes, you can love too much.

2009-08-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

I love these kids more than words could ever say and right now it is breaking my heart.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

Open mouth, insert foot.

2009-08-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

Not mine.

I really wish people would THINK about what they say before they say it.

I've been tossing around the idea of getting another dog. I've looked at pictures of dogs that are up for adoption here and there, but I keep talking myself out of it. What I don't get are the people who say, "you don't need another dog", or things along those lines. Who the hell are you to tell me what I need? If I am not depending on you, you have NO say, and should do nothing but support me in something I might want.

A couple of weeks ago I was planning a last minute road trip to the HC. Someone said, "Oh, it must be nice to just be able to pick up and go like that, without a worry in the world." Anyone that knows me, KNOWS how desperately I want children/a child, and that I would trade that freedom in HEARTBEAT.

Please, people, think about what you say before you say it.

Tomatoes Florentine

2009-06-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

I KIND OF followed this recipe.
Tomatoes Florentine
submitted by reader Martha Wolf of Brighton, MI

Ingredients
1 (10-ounce) package frozen chopped spinach
2 large tomatoes, cut into ¾-inch-thick slices
½ cup dry Italian-seasoned bread crumbs
½ cup chopped green onions (white and green parts)
3 eggs, beaten
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter, melted
¼ cup grated Parmesan
¼ teaspoon minced garlic
1/2 teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon dried thyme leaves
2 to 3 dashes hot pepper sauce
Instructions
1. Preheat oven to 350F. Grease a 13 x 9-inch glass baking dish.
2. Cook spinach according to package directions. Drain well in a colander, pressing with paper towels to remove most of the liquid.
3. Arrange tomato slices in a single layer in prepared pan. Combine bread crumbs, green onions, eggs, butter, Parmesan, garlic, salt, thyme and hot sauce in a medium bowl. Add spinach; mix well.
4. Spoon equal amounts of the spinach mixture on top of each tomato slice. Bake, uncovered, 15 minutes. Serves 8. (mine made nine slices)

Tips from the Test Kitchen
Tips From Our Test Kitchen: You may use smaller tomatoes, if desired. Cut into ¾-inch thick slices and cover the bottom of the baking pan. Top with the spinach mixture and use the back of a spoon to spread evenly over all. Bake as directed.
Nutritional Information
Nutritional facts per serving: 130 calories, 9g fat, 5g protein, 8g carbohydrates, 1g fiber, 480mg sodium.

My notes-
1. I didn't have any bread crumbs, so I made my own. I used four slices of light whole wheat bread, brushed with olive oil, salt and Italian seasoning and baked until the bread was toasted. Threw the bread in the blender-voila, Italian seasoned bread crumbs.
2. I used three large-ish Roma tomatoes.
3. I didn't use green onions or thyme because I didn't have any-I don't think they would really add to this very much.
4. This calls for three eggs. I will use two egg whites next time. If the "stuffing" seems dry, I'll add some chicken broth.
5. I used a bag of fresh spinach because that's what I had. I heated up about two tablespoons of olive oil, lightly browned some fresh mined garlic and threw the spinach in to wilt.
6. I used a little more parmesan cheese than the recipe called for, and sprinkled some on the top after I took them out of the oven after 15 minutes, then I stuck them back in the oven for another 10 minutes.

If you take my changes into consideration, this has a lot more fiber, and less calories.

Dudes!

2009-06-04T14:33:00.000-07:00

My boobie squishing appointment this morning was not bad AT ALL! I don't think I'd want to have it done every day or anything, but it was seriously no big deal. The place I went to was super nice, and staff couldn't have been better. My tech was awesome and made me feel totally comfortable the entire time, which is HUGE because I am super modest.
So, if you need to get your boobies squished but are scared, don't be!

I don't even know where to start.

2009-05-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been a test. Right now, I feel like I am failing.

Last Friday my niece Averie passed out twice and had two seizures. Seemingly out of no where. My sister rushed her to the doctor who ordered lab work, an MRI and an EEG. She had the MRI Friday afternoon and they were supposed to call with the results Friday evening. Unfortunately, they didn’t have the results so we had to wait out the three day weekend for the results. I got to Lake Charles around 5:00 or so. I had planned on going in for Averie’s first and last gymnastics meet, but this put a rush in my plans. Her doctor said he didn’t see why she shouldn’t participate since there’s no telling when or if she’ll ever pass out again, or have another seizure. She did her gymnastics thing Saturday afternoon and the girls and I headed back to TX when we got done with that.

They swam their hearts out Saturday and Sunday-Cameron left Sunday evening and Averie decided she wanted to stay another night so she got to swim some more Monday. My sister called the doctor’s office several times to get the results of the MRI but couldn’t get anyone to call her back. Frustrating much? Averie got home from school and went straight to the couch to take a nap. She’d had a low grade fever Monday night, so Cameron, being the fantastic big sister she is, took Averie’s temperature under her arm and it was 102*. When the BIL got home, he took it again and it was 103* so he took her to the doctor’s office. Candi met them there and they finally got the results of the MRI and determined that Averie had some kind of upper respiratory infection.

The results from the MRI are that Averie has Chiari Type I Malformation. http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/chiari/detail_chiari.htm

She had the EEG yesterday morning but won’t know the results, or have a treatment plan for the CMI until June 8th, when she goes in to see the neurologist.

My mom wasn't feeling well the week before Mother's Day so she went to see our internist, who also happens to be a close family friend(We call him by his first name, Roger, not Dr. Willette). He orders chest x-rays on her pretty much every time she goes to see him because he knows she is a heavy smoker. I was in Lake Charles that Friday and my sister and I got the following email-“When I went to see Roger this week, because I was feeling so bad, he thought I should have an X-ray and gave me three different prescriptions. He got the results of my chest X-ray. It showed my lungs being overinflated, but he said that could be caused by all the congestion I have. However he found was he called a Nodule, whatever that is. He said it could just be scar tissue, but it could also be a small tumor, so I have to get a Cat Scan next week. He is going to schedule it for me. Keep your fingers crossed. I just did not want either of you to hear this from someone else. Love, Mom”
As you can imagine, we were on pins and needles that weekend, and the following week. She had the Cat Scan which did not show any tumors, but did show significant CAD (coronary artery disease). Roger referred her to a cardiologist, who she saw this past Tuesday. Apparently, he was not at all happy with what he saw on the Cat Scan and told her he wanted to perform an angiogram Wednesday morning. She tried to put him off for a week but he wouldn’t budge. When she said she couldn’t do it this week because it’s the last week of the month (she’s an escrow officer-everyone tries to close before the end of the month so it’s a crazy hectic time), he stared her down and simply said, “This is your life”.

She had the procedure done yesterday and ended up having to have a stint put in (it was late when I talked to her nurse and I can’t for the life of me remember which vessel). She was kept in the Assessment Area until close to 9:00 last night and they finally transferred her to CVICU (which is in the new Heart Tower and CLR and it kicks ass!). They’re apparently strict on visiting hours which ended at 9:00, but her nurse didn’t kick me out until close to 10:00 when they determined they could remove the sheath. It typically would have been removed much earlier, but her smoker’s cough kept causing a hematoma to form at the site, and her counts were too high which meant she could have bled to death from her femoral artery in minutes.

Visiting hours this morning were from 8:30-9:30 am. I walked out of the house at 8:00 to a flat freaking tire. I was *THIS* close to walking back inside, putting on pj’s and climbing into bed with the covers and a pillow over my head. But I didn’t. I got the spare tire, the jack and the lug wrench out and tried half heartedly to loosen a lug nut. Half hearted because I have road side assistance-why not use it. Turns out it would take them at least 35 minutes to get to my house and I knew I could have the tire changed and be almost to the hospital in that time. My dad didn’t raise a sissy (not the word I used when I called and thanked him ;-) ) and I am thankful for all the time I’ve spent with him in a garage. Got the tire changed and was on my way to the hospital within 15 minutes.

Now, I just have to hope the tire can be plugged and won’t have to be replaced.

I also had a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday with THE doctor. He’s changing my OC because I’m getting too old to continue taking the high dose OC I’ve been on for the last 1.5-2 years. I’m scared about switching because the last time I did I wound up having to have a lap done two months later because the pain was so intense. I also have to go in for a mammogram. He says he’s not worried about finding anything, but that he’d like to have a baseline done early since I have a family history of breast cancer. I’m really scared about having my boobs squished!

So, I ask that you please pray for Averie and my mom. I hope that THIS will be the smack upside the head for mom that it is time for some SERIOUS lifestyle changes. She drinks too much, smokes too much (smoking ANY is too much), and doesn’t eat enough. I want her to be around when/IF I get married, and when I have a child/children, but it seems like she thinks she’s invincible.

YUM.

2009-05-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

I've started making smoothies at home for breakfast and thought I'd share the concoction I've come up with that I like the best! In my Inbox this morning, I had an email from LIVESTRONG and one of the articles was on smoothies.
Here's the link for the article: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14357-5-things-you-need-to-know-about-fruit-smoothies/?utm_source=maynewsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=090512

While it says to use milk as the liquid base, I don't. I use Tropicana Trop50 pulp free calcium+vitamin D. http://www.tropicana.com/#products/Trop50/287

So, here's my recipe!

1/2 cup lite strawberry yogurt
1/2-3/4 cup frozen mixed fruit- (peaches, strawberries, pineapple and grapes)
1/4 cup frozen blackberries, blueberries and raspberries
8 oz orange juice (or skim milk if you prefer)
a heaping handful of spinach (don't say BLECH until you try it. With the fruit, yogurt and juice, you don't even know it's in there!)

Pulse for a few minutes until everything is all chopped up, mixed up and frosty. ENJOY!

I meant to post this earlier!

2009-05-05T14:04:00.000-07:00

Pretty in Plaid was released TODAY! Go get it, right now! Please? You won't regret it! While you're there, pick up Jen's first three books-http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/books.html

Seriously. Do it. You will laugh so hard your dog/husband/boyfriend/parents/siblings will think you've lost your ever lovin' mind!

I got mine this afternoon at lunch, so I am going to treat myself to a pedicure and some book time! You should do the same! So, what are you waiting for? GO GET THESE BOOKS!

Perfect.

2009-04-17T10:10:00.001-07:00

Cowboy

2009-04-16T07:49:00.001-07:00

I've always known he's smart and articulate, but I honestly had no idea JUST how smart and articulate he is.

He posted this on Facebook as a note last night, and it gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes.

"4/16/09

Today we honor the fallen.

We will wear our dress blues, display our medals, and march in line. The flags will fly at half staff, the drum will beat slowly, and the pipes will play lowly. Two of our own are gone.

And later the booper will go off.....and we the men and women of the Houston Fire Department will respond. We will go to 1415 for a shooting. Make 11911 MLK just because. Marvin's calling again, or there is smoke in an airplane, or an automatic alarm. Around midnight, a box will come in. Heavy fire, heavy smoke, people trapped. Multiple calls. We will be there too.

No matter what happens tomorrow, or the next day or the next, we will be there. Despite what the media says. Despite the fact we may end up in court. We train daily, we prepare, we respond. I don't know why we do what we do. It sure ain't for five days off.

We just do.

You can probably name the last two winners of American Idol, or who is winning Dancing With the Stars....but can you name a Fire Fighter that works in your neighborhood?

24/7...365...this type of stuff happens all the time.

GOD BLESS THE MEN AND WOMEN OF THE HOUSTON FIRE DEPARTMENT.

When the roof collapsed on E-004, L-004, and E-050."

I hope he doesn't mind me posting it here...

I love these kids.

2009-04-09T13:43:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking...

2009-03-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

Scary, I know.

A lot of my friends met their spouse/SO after being "set up" by other friends. I've never been "set up" by anyone. I kind of wonder what that means.

What do my friends think of me if they've never been willing to set me up with one of their other friends, or their spouse/SO's friends.

Huh.

Happy Birthday Nick.

2009-03-09T08:04:00.000-07:00

I can't believe you would have been 34 today.

Actually, I guess I can't believe you've been gone two years, five months and one day.

These Dreams

2009-03-02T13:16:00.000-08:00

They throw me off for days after I have one. The one I had Saturday morning was so vivid I woke up sobbing and felt sad all day. I don't remember all of it, or all of the details, but the parts I remember still make me sad when I think about them. We were cuddled up in his bed, although it wasn't his bed, and it wasn't his house, but his mom was there so who knows. We were just talking and laughing, goofing off like we'd do when we were able to spend the weekends together, and I remember his mom saying something from the living room/kitchen(?). She said something along the lines of "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got". Those weren't her exact words, but that's what she meant. I'll admit that I should have walked away from him a long time before I did. But I loved him *so* much. So much that, more often than not, it hurt. He spent two years and eight months pushing me away, and up until August 1, 2006, I pushed back. Harder. And then I didn't have any push left.
Back to the dream. I don't really remember what happened after she said that. I just know that I got really sad and started crying and was curled up at the head of the bed on the pillows.
He kept asking me what was wrong and I finally screamed, "I"m CRAZY, OKAY? You're not here and I'm talking and laughing with you. And you're NOT HERE."
He kept asking me what I meant by he wasn't there and I finally told him, "You killed yourself two and half years ago, you selfish son of a bitch!"
That's when I woke up in wracking sobs.

I was on my way to my best friend's son's little league opening season parade and festivities and this song came on my MP3 player, which was on DJ, Random Play All. Strange, huh?

This song came on next.

The Rainbow Bridge

2009-01-19T14:22:00.000-08:00

Chelsea
12/1995-1/16/2009

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Left out. Left behind...

2009-01-09T11:06:00.001-08:00

That's how I'm feeling these days. I was looking through pictures on Facebook and saw a picture of two little girls laughing and having a great time over Christmas. You're probably thinking that's not very interesting, or different. Well, the two little girls are the children of two BFF's from high school and I got to thinking that when and if I ever do get to have children, all of my friend's children will have already outgrown mine.

My paw paw

2008-12-02T19:13:00.000-08:00

First, I'd like to thank you all for keeping my family and me in your thoughts and prayers.
The surgery was a little more than three hours and was incredibly intense. They removed his colon and did an ileostomy, and also removed his spleen and gall bladder. His bowel was perforated and his entire belly was pretty much full of blood, and many other "secretions" (I'll keep it at that for those of you with weak stomachs). They've inserted a feeding tube directly into his small intestine and will begin using that in a couple of days to provide nutrition. They are using a "wound vac" to minimize the risk of infection. During the procedure, they went through 4 units of whole blood, 20 units of platelets and 4 units of fresh frozen plasma. This is in addition to the 7 units of whole blood and 4 units of platelets they used yesterday. He's till not out of the woods, as the risk of infection is really high. At this point, the Dr's believe this was caused by vascular disease and/or atrial fibrillation.
Thanks again.

I'm not really in a writing place

2008-11-26T09:23:00.001-08:00

but it's been a while.

So, Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all have a great day!

Two years.

2008-10-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

I feel like poo

2008-09-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

and really don't feel like posting, but there are a couple of things of importance that I would like to address.
First, Stand Up To Cancer is on this evening, on all three major networks at 7:00 pm CT. I urge you to watch it, and to donate if you can.
Second, BTHO Melanoma is on Sunday the 14th from 10:30-3:30. I BEG you to attend. There are a lot of great items in the silent auction, there will be GREAT BBQ, lots of stuff for the kids to do, and skin cancer screenings (in a nice, private, air conditioned tent. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE try to join us. It would mean a lot to me!

The view.

2008-08-20T08:31:00.001-07:00

This is what I saw when I heard, "He's dead."

I was driving home from a weekend in Dallas, a great weekend actually. That greatness came to an abrupt, screeching halt.

I went up to the Fort Worth area this past weekend, but I went up 6 to 35 to get there, so Sunday was the first time I'd been in that spot in almost two years.

It was weird. I was anxious about it the whole day, and distracted. Which isn't a good thing while driving 75 down the interstate. I couldn't remember exactly where I was, but I knew it was after Centerville (that's my DQ stop) because I had stopped there to let Chelsea go potty and to get a frosty treat. That frosty treat was later thrown away. I remembered that I pulled over at a weigh station right after Krystal said those words. So, once I went through Centerville and saw the "All trucks next right if lights flashing" I knew that was it.

I wasn't really prepared for what I felt, and how it hit me. After talking to someone who has become a TERRIFIC friend, I think she nailed it. This time, I knew the truth-there was no doubt that he was dead. If you remember, my phone died shortly after I talked to Krystal so it didn't really SINK in. I didn't REALLY believe it until I got home, plugged my phone in and the voice mails and text messages started piling up from everyone trying to get a hold of me. And then I saw the box of "us" sitting on the table. I'd gotten it down out of the closet to get out the bottle of perfume he'd given me for Valentine's day.

It's so strange the details I remember. I have always been very detail oriented, and remember the strangest, seemingly minute details, but it's even worse when it comes to him.

Right now, I just don't care.

2008-08-13T08:51:00.000-07:00

About anything, really.

*Edited*
Because what's the point?

And one time, we danced.

2008-08-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

I don't know why this memory has been in my head so prominently the last few days...

I met them at a little restaurant for dinner on my way into town one Friday evening. We had a great meal, and his mom and grandmother headed back to the house. We were headed back to the house too, but made a stop at Coushatta. (I HATE gambling and think it's the biggest waste of money, but I really wanted a drink!) We walked around a bit, him showing me the stuff he worked on while working on the construction projects they did there. Then we made our way to the Miko Room where there is pretty much always live music. They had a nice sized dance floor so we took to it and while the dance floor was pretty crowded, it was like we were the only two people out there.

Google Reader

2008-08-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

Mine's all jacked up. Anyone else's messed up?
And it won't let me manage my subscriptions.

Ick.

2008-07-31T08:38:00.000-07:00

I didn't think that picture of Cowboy and me would be so HUGE when you click on it. THANK YOU Lupron Depot and Ovral 28 for the acne and the brown spots all over my face!

Ugh.

Chin up, Buttercup, or why one is the loneliest number.

2008-07-30T09:40:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling really lonely lately. Usually, I love my alone time, but over the last few weeks I've come to dread it. Last week I invited my friend, we'll call him Cowboy, over for dinner. I've known him for a few years but I hadn't seen him in who knows how long. It's weird, though. No matter how much time passes, it's never uncomfortable with him. He's probably one of the nicest guys I know. The only problem is that he works too hard, and that IS a problem! He's a firefighter in his "real" job, but he works horses and cattle on the side. But "on the side" for him, means pretty much every minute he's not at the fire station.

Dr. Boy is still texting. I haven't seen him in a few weeks, but that's not for lack of him trying.

I've been thinking about how different these two guys are. Take a look:

Strange.

Guess I shoulda updated sooner...

2008-07-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, my A/C is fixed. Has been since last Tuesday at 10:00 am. I really do miss those Texas Belgian waffles, though.

It's strange to me that the comments I received were about the A/C, and not about my mom... Maybe that just goes to show that people "GET" how damn hot it is down here?

La Quinta is Spanish for...

2008-07-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

I surrender to my house that is currently without A/C.

So I left town Friday evening for a little trip to College Station. My first trip out of town alone since, well, since I can't even remember when, but it's been MONTHS. I got a call Saturday afternoon that my mother had broken her ankle. There was just no way I could get back home Saturday so my sister ended up coming in from LA to stay with her Saturday night.

I got up first thing Sunday morning to head home so sister could get home and get ready for the week. I cleaned house a bit-it was a mess because my intention all week was to clean when I got back from CoSta, and I took mom to the hair shop to have her hair shampooed while I went to her boat to get her some clothes and essentials (my mom lives aboard her boat, for those of you not in the know, which is why it's necessary for her to stay at my house). We got back to my house and I kept getting hotter and hotter and kept checking the thermostat. I kept asking her if she was hot and she kept saying she was fine. When the thermostat read 84* she wasn't fine anymore. I turned the unit off thinking that maybe it had frozen up (it shouldn't have because I wasn't working it that hard but that's usually the first thing a repair company suggests). Well, it got up to 86* and that's when she told me to find a hotel and we'd sneak the dogs in. Chelsea was not doing very well with the heat so leaving them at the house was not an option. Most La Quinta's are pet friendly, and thank goodness the one around the corner from me is so we moved on over there. I've never been so thankful to have air conditioning in my life!

The repair company can't come out until tomorrow but I gave them the sob story of my crippled mom and geriatric dog and she moved me to the top of the schedule for tomorrow morning. Hopefully it's nothing major, but I do have a home warranty so it shouldn't cost me more than $75.

It's been a rough couple of days and I am exhausted and just want to sleep in my bed!

I should have known.

2008-07-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

I did, actually. I just should have gotten nosy sooner. Now I'm sitting here biting back tears, and it's totally ridiculous.

There's this guy, we'll call him Dr. Boy, that I've known for about three years or so. We've never been serious. We've actually been the polar opposite of serious, ifyouknowwhatimean, which is NOT me.

Turns out Dr. Boy is engaged. It's amazing what you can find out on MySpace and Facebook without really trying all that hard. I'm not even sure what made me look. I think I actually just wanted to see if HE was on either. You know, it's not so much that he's engaged, yes, it DOES bother me, but what bothers me even more is that he bold face lied to me about it just a couple of months ago.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that my feelings aren't hurt so much because of what Dr. Boy's done, but what Nick did. He lied to me, betrayed me and manipulated me for months. I'd ask if he was seeing someone else, he'd say no and turn it back on me that I was insecure because I was seeing someone else and that that's why it was in my head. I did have other relationships when Nick and I were "on the outs", but I was NEVER with anyone else, or talked to anyone else when he and I were talking or spending time together, and I was completely honest with him about it.

It's just brought up a lot of feelings I thought I was done with.

Meme?

2008-07-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Sara, who I could kiss on the lips for introducing me to Google Reader! If you haven't checked it out yet, do it. Now. You can kiss me later, and then kiss Sara.

Five Habits Meme

What was I doing 10 years ago?
Jeez... I was 22 and that was quite a year. I left one okay paying job for a GREAT paying job, that didn't last and at the time I was crushed and defeated, but my mom gave me the option of moving back in with her and getting back to school full time. I'd been working for a couple of years and had been out on my own taking night classes at the local junior college. I started that Spring semester (1999) at UHCL and it turned out to be the best decision I could have made.

Five snacks I enjoy in a perfect, non-weight gaining world:
Ice cream
Pringles
Those fried jalapeno string thingies
Peanut M&Ms
French fries

Five snacks I enjoy in the real world:

Fiber One Yogurt
Kashi Go Lean cereal
Peanut butter granola bars
Sugar free pudding
Pretzels with peanut butter

Five things I would do if I were a billionaire:

Travel
Adopt a gaggle of children
Donate ridiculous amounts of money to charities like the ASPCA, Hopeline, and the LAF.
Buy a huge piece of property and rescue dogs
Set my family and myself up in a comfortable lifestyle-nothing too over the top, just comfortable

Five jobs I have had:

Exercise physiologist
Crisis Intervention Specialist at a Women's Shelter
Rehab coordinator
Substitute teacher
Compliance Officer

Five habits: (I'm so unoriginal on these things sometimes.)

First thing every morning, I check Myspace, email and Galleywinter (it all has to be done before the boss gets here)

My shower routine is a lot like Sara's. Wash hair and face, rinse, wash hair and body, rinse, condition hair and shave (or maybe not here lately), rinse.

Google Reader! I think I've said enough. Although, I rarely check it over the weekend... it makes for a very fruitful Monday morning. (It's the best invention EVER. Did I already mention that?)

I start every morning with a glass of Simply Apple juice on ice in the back yard while watching the dogs take care of their business.

While I'm getting ready in the mornings, the TV is tuned to GMA. I watched here and there for the last few years, but I've been addicted since Robin Roberts revealed she was battling breast cancer. It's refreshing to see the "cast" of the show really enjoy each other's company. And if they don't, they do a good job of acting like they do.

Five places I have lived:

Houston
Seabrook
Nacagdoches
La Porte
Lake Charles, LA

Five people I’d like to get to know better:
(Meaning, you're it!)
Christy H-The Second Step
Elise-Life's little ups and downs
Jenn-An intern's insanity
Angie-The Jackson 4
Amalia-A broken heart is the only way to be set free

Even if I didn't put you down here, I still want to know more about you!!

The spark.

2008-07-03T14:14:00.000-07:00

We were walking from the main house to my garage apartment after our first date and he put his hand at the "small" of my back (it was certainly smaller then). That's when I felt it. It was like I'd been shocked with static electricity, but I felt it on the inside, not on the surface of my skin the way it usually feels.

And he said, "Did you feel that?"

And that's when I knew he was someone that was going to be very special to me.

God, I miss him.

"But a tan makes me look healthier..."

2008-07-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. Hell, I've probably said it myself. But does THIS look healthy? How about THIS?
Please watch this video clip.

I was all about the "savage tan" until a couple of years ago when I heard my friend Julie had melanoma, and when my mom's boyfriend and I had a long talk about skin cancer. He's had several bouts with basal cell carcinoma, and had one melanoma on his ankle. His never metastasized, thank goodness, but Julie's did. And fast.

THIS website contains very useful information on the different types of skin cancer. There are so many that it's pretty overwhelming.

Most of us are so young that we think we're invincible, that "it", whatever it may be, can't happen to us. Well, Julie was 35 when she died, leaving a husband and three young children. Hallie age 7, Jack age 4 and Kendall age 17 months. The second BTHO Melanoma benefit is September 14th and it's going to be weird without her there. The benefit was REALLY successful in raising money for various charities, and to help the Lyons family with travel expenses to Dallas for Julie's treatments. If you have anything you'd like to donate for the silent auction, please let me know, or send Angie an email through the BTHO website.

For you parents out there: Coolibar makes some great sun protective clothing for the kids, and for you, too.

I'll probably be back at some point to add to this post... There's a lot I want to say about the subject!

Please pray.

2008-06-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

First, please pray for my friend, SD. Her ex killed himself a year ago on 7-7-07 and with the anniversary getting so close, she's not doing so great. I hate this for her. I would never wish any of this on my worst enemy.

Second, please pray for the CANTRELLS from Rayne, LA.

And, while you're at it, pray for Steph. She had her second round of chemo yesterday and says she doesn't feel too bad now, but days 3-5 were the worst after her last treatment.

Miss Independent.

2008-06-24T11:26:00.000-07:00

Yep. That's me. It was a total bitch to get together and there were many times when I should have called someone over to come help me, but I just couldn't. Anyways, I'm happy with the way it looks. It's a vast improvement over what I was using as my entertainment center. I think it's actually my first piece of "adult" furniture that I've bought myself! Up next, a new bedroom set, but that will be a long time from now.
Before: (there was a little side unit to this that I had already moved when I remembered I wanted to take a picture)

After:

Talk about a fantastic weekend.

2008-06-24T08:21:00.000-07:00

I spent a good part of Saturday with one of my most favorite couples:
I spent Sunday with this cool-as-hell chick:

Who looks like this now:
Can you even believe how beautiful she is? I found myself watching her Sunday and not feeling sorry for her, rather wondering how she can possibly be even MORE beautiful without hair than I ever could have imagined. And she is beautiful, isn't she?

My next post: Nicole vs. the 6,928 piece entertainment center.

My hero.

2008-06-19T10:29:00.001-07:00

This was taken a LONG time ago, but I love it. And I love her.

Insanity.

2008-06-17T14:34:00.000-07:00

Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

I'm just sayin'.

2008-06-05T08:38:00.001-07:00

There is no going back.
To that other person.
That other place.
This thing.
This stranger.
She is all you are now.
(From "The Brave One" with Jodie Foster)

That's the picture from my Senior year of high school that I mentioned in a post a few months ago.

Looks sinful, huh?

2008-06-04T13:16:00.000-07:00

It's actually not. Tastes just like a Latte, but with about 1/10 the calories. It's a decaf Iced Americano (espresso and water over ice) with sugar free caramel (go for the sugar free vanilla instead-way better) with a bit of skim milk. About 40 calories MAX.

The results.

2008-05-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

I have IBS. Yes, that is the best case scenario if it had to be something, but I really would rather it be NOTHING. The endo is enough to deal with.
For now we are going to treat it with a high fiber diet and a fiber supplement (Fiber Sure-check it out if you don't get enough fiber in your diet. It rocks!)
It seems that the worst flair up I've had was because of stress. It was right around the time that I was trying to get the house stuff figured out, and then all of the other daily stuff on top of that sent my colon into overdrive.
See, we don't talk about stuff like this so we don't really know what's normal. I'll tell it like it is. Going to the bathroom once every five or six days IS NOT normal. That's my problem. So I don't go and don't go and don't go, then my colon goes into panic mode and starts spasming like crazy. That's where the intense pain was coming from. So then it's spasming like crazy and I go and I go and I go and it's just been a vicious cycle. I've been taking my supplement twice a day, eating Fiber One cereal (Caramel Delight-it's tasty!), and I've increased my fruit and vegetable intake. I'm feeling better, just a twinge of pain here and there.
Oh, and my second pap came back normal. So YAY for that!

I suppose it could have been worse...

2008-05-27T13:14:00.000-07:00

I got home Thursday with just enough time to deal with the dogs, Swiffer the floors and clean the kitchen before I had to start drinking the "stuff". Let me tell you something: NOTHING will ever prepare you for how awful that stuff REALLY is. My piece of advice to you-DO NOT add a flavor pack. The stuff is bad enough on it's own, and that flavor crap just makes it worse. When I took my first drink, I was NOT expecting what I got. I thought it was going to be sweet, like cherry flavored Kool-Aid or something. WRONG. It's salty. Like water from the ocean salty. I don't do salt. I don't salt my food and I don't like salt on the rim of my margarita glass. So, add the saltiness to the nasty fake cherry flavoring and you have a disaster on your hands. THEN, you look at the jug in the fridge to see how much more of that crap you have to choke down. You're only six ounces in and there's no end in sight. I stood in front of the sink for the first three glasses because as soon as I took that straw out of my mouth I would gag uncontrollably. Then I remembered that trick we used to do when we were kids and had to eat stuff like broccoli and cauliflower. I started holding my nose! It worked, but as soon as I let go I could taste it, so then I would immediately take a drink of Gatorade or a bite of Jell-O to mask the taste of it. That was definitely the way to go.
It starts working about an hour after you start drinking. And then it keeps working. And keeps working more after that even. By 9:00 pm I was so exhausted I turned the TV off (missed the last half of Grey's Anatomy,*GASP*, I know!) and was up about every two hours to head to the bathroom. When you head to the store to get the stuff you're allowed to eat (read: drink), don't forget to pick up some "personal" wipes. Isn't that what they call baby wipes that are made for adults? Your hiney will thank you, A LOT.

The pills kicked in about an hour ago.

2008-05-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but I know the really bad stuff starts tonight at 5:00 when I get home and have to start drinking the "Halflytely". It comes with three different flavor packs, lemon lime, orange and cherry. I went with cherry and I have a feeling I am going to regret that decision as I may have an aversion to all things cherry after this. That's what happened with raspberry when I had my tonsils out in 1995. They gave me a Rx for liquid demerol and you're suppose to dilute it in water and drink it. Well, let me tell you that stuff is AWFUL so I started mixing it with some Crystal Light raspberry drink mix. To this day I cannot stomach the taste or smell of anything raspberry flavored.
Wanna see what you can "consume" (read: drink) the day before a colonoscopy?
Broth (fat free)
Bouillon
Sprite, 7-up, Ginger ale
Coffee, regular or decaf (nothing dairy in it, though)
Fruit Juices (strained)
Jell-O (no red)
Popsicles (no red)
Tea
Gatorade/Powerade (no red)
Avoid cream soups or any liquid with pulp.
Avoid any kind of ice cream or sherbert.
Now do you see why I'm so damn hungry I could chew my arm off??
I'm going to head home to get a few things done before I have to start drinking that crap. I won't be around a computer for at least a couple of days since I'm still residing in the 19th century and don't have internet access at home.
Wish me luck!

Bouillon sucks

2008-05-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

And I'm still hungry.

Well, here it goes.

2008-05-22T07:38:00.000-07:00

I just took the first step in prepping for my colonoscopy tomorrow. That first step consists of taking two Bisacodyl tablets. I'm not looking forward to today even a little. I'm starving and can only have clear liquids. :-|
I had an orange jello for breakfast (my favorite is cherry and strawberry, but you can't have anything red-SUCK!) and now I'm working on a cup of decaf from Starbucks. Can I just tell you how hard it was not being able to order my decaf grande iced Americano?
I searched and searched for information on what exactly I could expect from this prep, the procedure itself and for what to expect after the procedure. There's nothing out there. It's like they want to keep it a big secret or something. So, at the risk of embarrassing myself, I'm going to be totally candid here for the next two days. Sure, I might humiliate myself with the details, but if anyone out there goes searching for information, maybe they'll happen upon this blog and won't be so in the dark about it all.

I have a lot on my mind

2008-05-08T10:57:00.001-07:00

But really don't have anything to say.

Huh.

I'm having a hard time believing it.

2008-05-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

Another friend from high school died yesterday following a motorcycle accident. He leaves behind a 10 year old son, and numerous friends and family. He was an organ donor, so many lives were saved because he died. But it doesn't make it any better.

Please pray for Bear's (James) family and friends as they go through the next few days of planning a funeral, and for the next few weeks/months/years as they process their loss.

One down, one to go.

2008-04-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

Had my gastro appointment yesterday. She is fantastic. If any of you are in the Clear Lake area and are looking for a gastroenterologist, let me know and email you her name and numbers. Come to think of it, I think she has an office in Houston proper, too.
Anyways, she says it does sound like IBS, but with my family history, we're doing a colonoscopy on May 23rd just to make sure.

Now I just have to get through tomorrow's appointment. I won't know the results from that one for a few days, and waiting for stuff like that is the hardest part.

Thanks for the prayers.

It happened. Again.

2008-04-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

Kris passed Sunday evening in the nursing facility he'd been in for the last few months in Tulsa. I can't imagine what his parents are going through. And I just don't understand how a 32 year old man in the prime of his life could be taken like that.

I hate you, cancer. I hate your guts.

I'm not gonna lie

2008-04-25T14:38:00.000-07:00

I'm nervous as hell.

I have my gastro appointment next week. Well, I also got news a couple of weeks ago that my pap came back "abnormal". I did a round of the most awful antibiotic treatment imaginable and return for another pap next Thursday. I went through this in 1998 and was diagnosed with cervical dysplasia and had LEEP. All of my paps since then have been fine, so you can imagine my surprise when I got that call from the nurse. I've been trying really hard not to freak out, to just take it as it comes. But it's hard. Really hard. Especially with all of the pain and "weirdness" I've been feeling lately.

So, if you'd send a couple up for me, I'd really appreciate it. I'm sure it's all nothing, but it's hard to not get too deep in my head sometimes-I'm alone an awful lot, ya know!

Be careful, your head might explode.

2008-04-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

I've updated with all of the blogs that were on MySpace.

Some news:
I bought a house. I moved in last Thursday, well, all of the big stuff. I have a couple of loads left at the apartment, but I've not been feeling well so I haven't gone to get any of it this week as I'd planned. I don't have to be out until the end of the month, so there's really no hurry, but I just want to get it done.
I'm healing, and it feels good. I haven't forgotten him, I never will, but it's not so raw. Not so painful. Buying the house was a big step in moving forward, and moving forward has been a huge problem for the last year and a half.
I had another laparoscopy in January for my endo. It was everywhere, again. I went to see Dr. K (my gyn) last week and based on the location of my pain now, he thinks I have IBS. I have an appointment with a gastoenterologist on the 29th. With my family's history of colon cancer and cancerous/pre-cancerous polyps, we (my mom and I) decided to just not take any chances.

Well, that's about it for now. Thanks for checking in.

I can't believe it's been 15 years.

2008-04-01T10:23:00.000-07:00

15 years ago today I was a survivor of suicide for the first time. It was my junior year of high school and my friend Jay shot himself in the school parking lot. I don’t actually remember if he died on March 31st, or April 1st, but since I found out April 1st, that’s the day I remember him.
I was at my locker and was running late for first period which was Photography. I ran into my friend Shannon in the hall as I was running to class and she stopped me and told me that Jay was dead. Well, I’ve never been big on April Fool’s jokes, and this was certainly the LEAST funny joke ever. I made sure she knew I didn’t think she was funny and that’s when she looked up from her locker and I realized she wasn’t joking. Well, kind of realized it. Reality didn’t set in until I walked into the Photog classroom and didn’t see him in the chair in front of mine. I lost it and went straight into the lab while Mr. Caldarera broke the news to the class, and then I think there was an announcement made over the PA system. I was in the lab with my friend Stephanie and Mr. C’s assistant Mrs. Hamilton, who was my angel that morning.
You see, Jay and I were lab partners, meaning we pretty much had to share EVERYTHING. He wasn’t as serious about the class as I was and I managed to get pissed at him just about every day. We bickered like we were brother and sister.
I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. He would have accomplished great things if he hadn’t given up.
I miss you, Jay, and think of you often. I hope you’re up there kicking Nick’s ass for what he’s done, and Izzy’s ass, too. Oh, and can you somehow talk some sense into our friend from up there?

Happy Leap Year

2008-02-29T10:25:00.000-08:00

Four years ago I asked Nick to marry me. I was kidding, kind of. Apparently, it's appropriate for a woman to propose to man on February 29th.

"Rules of courtship are quite different these days (and much less strict), but long ago women who were hoping to marry had to wait for their beaus to propose. They were not "allowed" to pop the question themselves, except on one day: on a leap year (February 29th) -- also known as Sadie Hawkins Day -- which occurs every four years. The tradition dates back hundreds of years, to when the leap year was not recognized by English law; the day was simply "leapt over" and ignored. Since it had no legal status, formal traditions did not apply on this day. Consequently, women who were not content to wait for a proposal took advantage of this anomaly and popped the question themselves. It was also thought that since leap year corrected the discrepancy between the calendar year (365 days) and the time it takes for the earth to complete one orbit of the sun (365 days and 6 hours), it was an opportunity for women to correct a tradition that was one-sided and unfair. Go ladies of yore!"

He obviously said no, but explained that when he proposed to me, he knew exactly how and where he was going to do it. Of course, I never found out what he'd had planned. I sure wish I had.
His 33rd birthday is next Sunday, March 9th.

13 months

2007-11-09T14:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was 13 months. I was on my way to my second survivors of suicide support group when I realized it. I'd had a really shitty day and wasn't going to go, but I felt like I had to. I'm glad I did. It's hard, and I don't like crying the way I do when I'm there, in front of all of those people that I don't know, but no one judges. No one shakes their head at the things I say. In fact, they all nod in agreement at the way I'm feeling, or at the seemingly absurd things I say. You see, they're where I am. Sure, some of them are further along, some aren't as far along, but they get it. They get me. I'm glad I found them. Because right now they are the people I need. If you've never lost anyone to suicide, I pray with all of my heart that you never do. That you never feel this... this emptiness, this guilt, this anger, this hate, this hopelessness, this despair, this sadness.

Agnostic

2007-09-08T13:01:00.000-07:00

That's a big word, huh?

agnostic

2 entries found for agnostic.
To select an entry, click on it.

Main Entry: ¹ag·nos·tic
Pronunciation: ag-'näs-tik, &g-
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek agnOstos unknown, unknowable, from a- + gnOstos known, from gignOskein to know -- more at KNOW
1 : a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality (as God) is unknown and probably unknowable; broadly : one who is not committed to believing in either the existence or the nonexistence of God or a god
2 : a person unwilling to commit to an opinion about something agnostics>
- ag·nos·ti·cism /-t&-"si-z&m/ noun

Trust me, I NEVER thought I would say such a thing about myself, but I find myself singing along to the Contemporary Christian music in my MP3 player and I feel like a total hypocrite. I don't know that I believe in God anymore. I want to, more than you could ever know. I know there are people out there who have suffered more than I have and who still believe. More than ever before. I wish I were one of them. Really, I do.
I don't like the resentment or dislike or distrust I have in people now. I want to be the Nicole I was years ago. When life was planned. Predictable. Easy.
I come across this picture every now and then from high school, and I would give ANYTHING to go back to being THAT girl. I'll share it one of these days, because I am sure most of you don't believe me. I had a glowing personality, a great body(you think it's trivial. trust me, it isn't), and a pretty good outlook on life.
Where did she go? And how do I get her back?

Or, maybe not.

2007-08-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

I had ANOTHER Dr. appointment this morning... I wanted his opinion on the research study I'd heard about. Well, I got it. He's against me doing it because the control medication is Depo Provera. Depo has a host of side effects that I knew about, but I thought it might be worth the risk. Dr. Korman disagrees. Strongly. He wants me back on the pill, but we are trying a low dose pill (20 mcg) to give my body a break from the high dose (50 mcg) I've been on since October. Hopefully this means I'll lose some of the weight I've put on since my first surgery, and that my depression will lessen. When he originally mentioned me going on OC's two years ago, I said absolutely not. The last time I was on the pill I was ridiculously depressed, and suicidal around "that time of the month". I was hesitant to go back on it, but when he started talking about my ability to conceive, my mind was changed.
So, another doozie from my appointment today: He would like to see me pregnant within the next two months. I'm not kidding. My mom was there with me when he said it. My jaw just about hit the ground and I came back with, "You got me a husband?". I mean REALLY. I have NOTHING against being a single mother, but it's what everyone else thinks (my family included) that would keep me from doing it.
So. Back to square one, I guess.

Stupid MySpace

2007-08-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

I was coming over here to blog about something, got to looking around and found something that was like a punch in the gut.

The girl Nick was seeing is pregnant. Not with his child, of course. I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much.

I was coming over to blog about a pretty big decision I've made, I think. I was on my way back to the office from a Dr. appointment Monday morning and was listening to the radio (which I NEVER do) and started hearing this advertisement about Endometriosis. My ears perked up, of course. It was about a research study for an investigational research medication. I got here and looked up the website (www.petalstudy.com, if you're interested), filled out the questionnaire and got a call Wednesday to set up an appointment. I have to be off of OC's for one month before going in for my first appointment. So, I've got an appointment for September 13th. I sent a fax to my GYN yesterday to get his opinion on the study, but I haven't heard back from his office yet. Well, it's too late to start my OC for this month, and I had been thinking about going off of it anyway so it looks like I won't be taking it for a while. I hope that doesn't turn out to be the wrong decision and that I'm not in unbearable pain in the next few months. I guess I am going to participate in the study even if I don't hear from my GYN. I mean, what do I really have to lose?

Yeah, it's been a while.

2007-07-12T10:13:00.000-07:00

I've been blogging on Myspace lately. Click HERE.

I'll probably start moving those over here, but who knows when I'll actually get around to it...

Save My Life

2007-07-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

She's back on drugs again
Even though she knows it ain't right
She can't even call up her friends
And say "help me save my life"
She's so ashamed of herself that she's come full circle
Nobody understands what it's like to
Be this girl
So she disappeared, and she
Wasn't clear, and she
Didn't say where she was going

Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you hear me
Save my life, won't you help me

She had the man of her dreams
And some success
And she was so happy, and looking well
It was this one dark night, that she
Slipped
And then the next morning that she
Felt like a piece of shit
So she's hanging out, and she's
With the crowd, and she's
Travelin' where the wind is blowing

Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you hear me
Save my life, won't you help me

And he's a real good guy and he
Wants to save her 'cause he's
More than been there all before
And she's so confused and his heart is breaking and he
Dreams she's knocking on his door

Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you hear me
Save my life, won't you help me

Now, if you know me at all, you know that I have never had a "drug problem". But for three years, "HE", was my drug. I don't know what to do without him most days. I wish he would stop playing in my head, in my dreams, but I don't know what to do to delete him from my every day life. Just when I think I am getting on with my life, a night like tonight comes along where I question every decision I've made the last 10 months.
I can't believe Pete's been gone for almost a year. I remember the night I heard things had taken a turn for the worse, and that he wasn't expected to live another week. How could I have known it would only be another few hours? If I had known that, I would have made every effort to get to him and to tell him thank you for being the father I didn't have during that time.
I think about Pete and Nick often at the same time, I guess, because they passed so close to one another (within three months of one another).
It pisses me off more than you can ever know that I have seen SO many people FIGHT with all of their being to LIVE, and he gave up "just like that". What the hell gave him the right? How DARE he leave those of us that cared about him more he ever knew?
I see a dark blue Dodge truck, or a dark green Explorer and I see him. I don't want to. I don't want to see him, I don't want to think about him, but he finds someway to get in "there", and I don't know how to stop him.

If I didn't have bad luck

2007-06-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

I'd have no luck at all. Seriously.

I got home from work last night and saw that Bear chewed his way through the carpet and pad to the sub-floor. It's about a three by two inch rectangle, the exact shape of the cross bars of his crate. Little shit. I don't know what I am going to do with him. He's getting worse with age instead of better.

Then, I was on my way to dinner when I got a flat tire. Fortunately, there were three guys with me so they changed the tire. If they hadn't been with me, I would have had to wait who knows how long for either my insurance, OnStar, or the dealership to send someone to change it for me. Yes, I can change a tire, but I have three different services available to do it for me for FREE. I'd be a fool not to use one of them! After researching the cost of a replacement tire, I can't believe I am going to have to shell out over $150 for this stupid little tire. I struck a MAJOR deal on the 32 inch tires I used on my Jeep and got them for $65 each, and they lasted forever! But whatever, good thing I have that Firestone credit card.

I got a VERY tempting invitation for this weekend, but I am going to have to pass on it because I really can't think of anything better than just staying home with the kids and being L.A.Z.Y.

No more dreams, please.

2007-05-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

I've been dreaming about Nick every night for about the past week. I wake up in tears and unable to breathe. The one last night was especially hard to wake up from. I keep dreaming that he's not dead. That he faked his death to get out of some kind of trouble or something.
He came to my apartment in the middle of the night and we sat up for hours just talking, him crying, me wiping away his tears like I used to do when he'd cry, which wasn't very often, and like he'd do when I cried. Then he left my apartment to take some little girl home (no idea about that, it was totally random) and I went to find him after a few minutes but couldn't. I woke up saying his name and crying. I keep thinking that he ISN'T dead, that it was NOT him in that casket. I know it's easy to slip into denial when you don't have the closure of a funeral, or even a memorial service, but I SAW HIM in the casket, I saw them CLOSE the casket after we all said goodbye, after I kissed him for the last time. Why am I still fighting to accept that he's gone? Why can't I move on?

Tagged

2007-03-21T11:58:00.000-07:00

1. I spend more money on one roll of paper towels than I do on 4 rolls of toilet paper. VIVA!

2. My favorite food in the whole entire world is spinach.

3. I buy each dog at least one toy when I go to Wal-Mart or Target.

4. I talk to my dogs as though they are people. My neighbors think I am nuts, but are amazed at how well behaved the kids are, especially Chelsea.

5. I have had a total of 10 surgeries: 3 eye, 3 ankle, tonsilectomy, LEEP, 2 laparoscopies.

6. I despise mayonnaise, sour cream, cottage cheese, plain yogurt, butter and cream cheese (unless it has jalapeno jelly on it)

7. Most women see their GYN maybe twice a year. I saw mine eight times in 2006, and have already seen him three times in 2007.

8. I know at least three ways to get just about anywhere in Houston. I have a great sense of direction, and never get lost.

9. I have had the same best friend since I was 12.

10. I want to run a dog rescue/training center someday.

TGIF

2007-03-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

It's been a shitty week. I really thought that if I could get over March 9th, that I'd start getting better. I stayed home sick Friday, slept most of the day. When I wasn't sleeping, my thoughts were consumed with Nick. Of memories, of regrets, of the fact that I really don't know how I will ever possibly love anyone that much ever again. Last weekend I really didn't do much. Slept a lot, bathed the dogs, washed the car on Saturday. Slept a lot, did laundry, watched SATC and groomed Chelsea and Toby (a friend's dog) on Sunday. Monday was a doozie. I had a major breakdown Monday night. Like, crying so hard I had to pull off the road. Thank God for Meredith. I don't know that I would have made it home without her talking me through it. I said a lot of things that I didn't mean that night. I'm noticing more and more that I do that when I get frustrated and angry, and I know that I have got to stop. I know I do. The rest of the week hasn't been much better. I just feel, for lack of a better word, BLAH. I don't get excited about anything really. Most of the things I do after work and on the weekends, I only do because I feel like they are expected of me. Honestly, I would rather just stay home and hang out with Chelsea and Bear, read, watch TV, just "be". This week was week three of the Lexapro. I think it's pretty obvious this is not the drug for me. I go in Monday for a med check and I am sure Korman will know just by looking at me. He just has that ability.
So, tonight I was actually "okay". I was going to meet an old friend for a quiet dinner and talked to my mother on the way to meet Amy. First she's bitching at me to change the call back tone on my phone (my thoughts-you don't like it, don't call), then she starts giving me a hard time because I hadn't committed to going sailing. I have things I have to get done around the house, you know, like normal people do on the weekends? But see, she's had a maid for, oh, I guess the last 30 something years. If it wasn't my sister or me, it was someone else. Just not her. She thinks that everyone should just be able to go and do as she does. There's a reason her boat is named "Planet Janet". She literally lives on her own planet, and thinks everyone else's lives should revolve around hers. So, she gets pissed off at me because I really wasn't in the mood to be given a hard time about ANYTHING, and spouts off some shit like, "Well, you just have a bad attitude, so..." That's when I hung up the phone. Now, I don't usually hang up on people, but I knew EXACTLY how she was going to finish that sentence. Something along the lines of, "...I'm just going to let you go." Well, I beat her to it. I'm just so sick of her lack of empathy. She has made no effort at trying to understand why I am the way I am right now. I really think that she thinks I should be over it already. That life should be back to normal, whatever normal is or was, and that I should be done grieving and that I have no right to still be upset. How do I make her understand? And that's a rhetorical question, because I know that's impossible.
And people wonder WHY I've secluded myself and limit what, where and who I spend time with.
Well, enough rambling. Just had to vent, I suppose.

32 years ago

2007-03-09T11:36:00.000-08:00

Nakia "Nick" Elathey Joseph Ware was born.

Happy birthday, love of my life. You are in my constant thoughts, and will always occupy a huge part of my heart and soul. I only wish you could have seen how special you were to everyone that knew you. You touched so many people's lives with your smile, and the kind things you always did for everyone. You are so missed. By me, by your mom, your mahmah, Krystal, Micheal. Everyone.

I miss your guts. I sure wish we could find that keychain from three years ago.

I love you. Always and forever.

The story behind the saying...

2007-02-26T11:35:00.000-08:00

A couple of people have asked where the whole "I love your guts" thing came from.

When I was still living in Lake Charles with my sister and her family, we were watching While You Were Out and the girl that they surprised told her husband/boyfriend, "I love your guts even more!". Well, we got such a kick out of it that we started telling my nieces, "I love your guts!". And they thought it was hilarious. Then I expanded it to, "I love your guts and your brains and your bones and your skin". Pretty much everything about a person that could be loved!

He's everywhere.

2007-02-25T11:34:00.000-08:00

When I am in Lake Charles, there are memories of him every where I go. They don't usually hit me as hard as they did today.

He's at the Microtel, walking across the parking lot to his truck, which was the last time I saw him. The Microtel was also where we made love for the first time.

He's at Bennigan's, sitting at our table on the bayou, drinking a margarita on the rocks.

He's at the Civic Center, where we saw our first Pat Green concert together, and where we had a picnic on what was probably one of the windiest days EVER. We had to take turns eating and holding the other's stuff down.

He's at the boat launch, our quiet place to talk and just "be".

He's at America's Best Inn and Suites, our second choice hotel in Lake Charles.

He's at Johhny Carino's, his favorite place to eat.

He's in the parking garage at the hospital where we left his truck the first time he came to stay with me, which was also the weekend of our first date, and our first kiss. He's hugging me and kissing me trying to stop my tears. I knew he was special to me even after that very first date.

He's at the mall. That boy loved to shop.

He's at my grandparent's house, in the garage where we sat and talked for hours one night.

He's at my cousin's house, where we stayed one night, and where he brought me roses for the very first time. That was also the night I made him my famous lasagna, which turned out to be his most favorite thing ever.

He's everywhere.

How dare he leave me with this.

2007-02-23T11:19:00.000-08:00

I am so angry at him right now that I can't even see straight. There are a handful of songs that I can listen to that cause me to "lose it". Three of them were played tonight. Even when I try to think of the wonderful things that could be happening in my life, my thoughts turn to him, and I am angry and bitter. And I cling to "things" (read: people) that aren't really mine to cling to.

I never thought I could love someone so much. But was that because I thought he needed saving? He very obviously did, I just wasn't the one that could save him. I guess no one could. I do have that problem. With thinking that everyone needs to be saved, and that I am the one who can save them. I wonder what I have to do to save myself?

Am I ever going to be capable of a healthy relationship now? I know that men who know what's happened in the last few months are going to be hesitant to have anything to do with me. I don't blame them one bit. I don't.

A mani and a pedi later...

2007-02-06T11:19:00.000-08:00

and all is right with the world. Or something.
I shouldn't have splurged on myself like that, but I deserved it, DAMN IT!
I have Big Apple Red fingers and toes. Nick's favorite. So that's a little strange. I haven't had red toes since the last time I saw him at the end of July...
They do make me happy, though.

This one won't make you want to slit your wrists.

2007-01-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

At least I don't think it will...

1. FIRST NAME: Nicole

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY & WHY?? Wednesday. I cry for no very good reason these days ...

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?? Ugh. No way

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?? Turkey

6. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?? 2 of the canine variety

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? some days

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yep

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? what's a lot?

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No, thank GOD

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? doubtful

12. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Sometimes

13. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically-yes, emotionally-not so much

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Coffee

16. SHOE SIZE? 6-1/2-7

17. RED OR PINK?? Blue

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? not being able to let go of the past

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Nick, duh.

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Nah

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Blue jeans, striped flip flops

22. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?? a golden oreo, yes, just one. YAY me.

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Revolution FM

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?? blue or silver. in a perfect world, blue AND silver swirled

25. FAVORITE SMELL? vanilla

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED WITH ON THE PHONE?? some idiot I work with

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU MEET? smile

28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? LOVE her guts

29. FAVORITE DRINK? coffee anything

30. FAVORITE SPORT? baseball

31. HAIR COLOR? shit brown

32. EYE COLOR?? see above

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope

34. FAVORITE FOOD? spinach

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy Endings

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Devil Wears Prada

37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? a t-shirt

38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Spring

39. HUGS OR KISSES? Both

40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Anything apple

41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND THE QUICKEST? please see above

42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? please see above

43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? None right now

44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?? polka dots

45. FAVORITE SOUNDS?? most music

46. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles

47. FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME?? Hawaii?

49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? training dogs

50. WHEN & WHERE WERE YOU BORN? 12/7/1975-Houston, TX

Let Go

2007-01-09T11:16:00.000-08:00

Let Go
Allison Moorer

Sometimes in the mornings I wake up devastated that you're gone
It drives me kinda crazy and I tell myself it's been a little long
To still be expecting you to call me up on the phone
I don't like holding on but I can't let go
Sometimes a photograph of you will take my breath away
I don't think that time's a healer no matter what folks say
How can years fly by so fast and breaks in a heart mend so slow
I don't like holding on but I can't let go
Sometimes I'm in a room full of people when old lonely sits by me
And it makes me sad to realize that unlike you he wont ever leave
I wish I had some kind of pill to take this feeling from my bones
I don't like holding on but I can't let go

Anahuac

2007-01-08T11:15:00.000-08:00

I used to send Nick a text message, "Guess where I am", every time I went through Anahuac, regardless of where we were in our relationship. It was another one of our inside jokes. I think it started because everytime we talked when I was on the way to or from Lake Charles or Oberlin, I was in Anahuac. I've made 6 trips through Anahuac since the day he died, and I cry each and every time I hit the Anahuac City Limit sign. I really miss him when I'm driving home from Lake Charles... I miss him driving TO LC also, but more when I'm on my way home. I guess because I'm sad having just left the family behind and thoughts of him only add to the sadness. I spent Christmas Eve with his mom. It was REALLY hard being in his house, sitting in "our" spot on the couch, being in his room just for that short amount of time. I also realized that day on my way to Oberlin that December 24th would have been 3 years since we met. The next milestone to get through is going to be Saturday, that will be 3 years since the very first time he called me. January 17th would be 3 years since our very first date, and the 18th would be 3 years since our first kiss.

I never thought I could miss someone so much. And I never thought I could feel this empty.

"Angels danced the day you were born"

2006-12-07T11:13:00.000-08:00

Nick gave me a little plaque that says that for my birthday in 2004, along with the silver Humanity Bracelet. When he gave it to me, it was in a bag that said it was from his mom. But we talked about it a few months ago when he was here and he said that it was from him, but his mom couldn't afford to buy anything for me so he let her give it to me. I have it on the chest next to my bed, so it's the first thing I see when I wake up, and the last thing I see before I fall asleep.

I can't help but wonder if he still felt that way, even after all of the nasty things we said to one another. One of his last text messages to me said something along the lines of, "Well, at least now I am seeing the real you." My reply was, "Now you know that isn't true, Nick. You've hurt me more than I ever thought possible."

It made me realize that he really thought I was a good person, and that I had shattered that image with the nasty, overly emotional things I had said to him the last time we talked. I hope he hears me telling him how sorry I am, and how much I love and miss him.

Tomorrow?

2006-12-06T11:12:00.000-08:00

No thank you.

I would seriously just like to skip it. I can't imagine not getting a phone call or text message from him. It didn't matter if we were angry with one another, on a "break", or just hadn't talked in a while for whatever reason, we ALWAYS talked on birthdays and holidays.

If I could fast forward to January, I would do it in a heartbeat. Maybe then I'd be one step closer to being okay. I try. I try really hard to be okay, to not think about it, and just when I start thinking I am doing a good job... Then the bottom breaks out.

Say what you mean.

2006-11-24T11:11:00.000-08:00

Mean what you say.

Otherwise, shut the hell up.

The messages.

2006-11-02T10:06:00.001-08:00

Gabcast! Nick #1

I'm sorry.

2006-11-02T08:27:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable with the things I've written, or things I've said. I know you don't know what to say to me to make things better. Here's the thing, nothing you can say WILL make it better, or easier, but just knowing that you care about me, that I am in your thoughts and prayers, that's what I need. I guess I've felt like people have been avoiding me. Then again, maybe I've cut myself off. I've had so many offers to "just call/let me know if you need anything" and there have been so many times that I HAVE just wanted to talk, or just wanted a hug, or just wanted to get out and do something besides sit in my apartment surrounded by memories of him. But I pick up the phone and stare at it when those times hit me. It's like I'm frozen, unable to complete a phone call to anyone other than Krystal (who bless her heart has been my saving grace through all of this) or Kelley (who seems to know just when I need to talk, or cry). I've only talked to Denise twice since "it" happened. She's got so much going on, that she doesn't need my stuff to worry about.
Bear is getting BIG! He's in one of those weird growth spurts where is legs are too long for his body so he's really clumsy and goofy. He's SO smart, though. We're working on obedience training, which is trying my patience because he is stubborn as a mule. Also, I can't imagine the "music" Nick and Bear made sleeping in the same bed. I swear Bear snores as loud as Nick. When Nick came to visit me Memorial Day weekend, he was snoring so loud I got up and went to sleep on the couch. I got back in bed before he woke up, but when he walked out of the bedroom he saw the blanket on the couch he asked if I had slept on the couch. When I told him I had because of the snoring he felt awful and said, "Why didn't you just nudge me?". Nick was always a really heavy sleeper, his mom always had a hell of a time getting him up for school, and you should have heard the volume his alarm clock was set on! But all I had to do was nudge him, and say, "Baby?" and he'd say, "Sorry, Darlin'" and roll over, or ladle me. See, we didn't spoon, we ladled. The first time we ever slept together, and I mean SLEPT was January 17, 2004 (which was also our first date) we got in bed, kissed a little, okay, kissed A LOT, and then I rolled over and told him to spoon me. He had no idea what spooning was. So I cuddled into him, wrapped his arms around me and said, "THAT'S spooning." Well, he didn't think we were quite close enough, so he drew me closer, pulled his legs up, which pulled my legs up, and said, "We aren't going to spoon, we are going to ladle."

Would it be easier, or just different?

2006-11-01T11:28:00.001-08:00

If Nick had died in an accident, or from cancer or something, would it be easier to deal with? Or understand?

I've only known one other person that committed suicide, and that was back in high school. I wasn't really close to him. I mean, we were friends. We were lab partners in photography, and while it was hard not having him in class after he died, I think it was easier to deal with because we had such a strong support system. I think we all helped each other through it, and it helped having people around that knew exactly what I was feeling because they were feeling the exact same thing for the most part.

Another friend attempted suicide in college, but was found in time. Thank God. And while I think she still suffers from depression, I don't think that she would ever put her family and friends through that again. At least I hope not since she has a husband and 2 children...

Back to the original thought of this entry- would I have all these questions if the circumstances surrounding his death were different? Would I still feel so guilty? Confused? Frustrated? Angry? There are times when I slip back into denial. Like I'll start to convince myself that he's not dead, that that was not him in the casket. Like he's Elvis or something... Boy, would he love that. He was an Elvis fanatic. I've never been a big Elvis fan, but his love for all things Elvis was one of his most endearing qualities. He had two Elvis pictures in his bathroom, and one of them was in front of the toilet. I used to give him a hard time and tell him that Elvis watched me when I was in the bathroom. He would grab me and throw me on the bed and tickle me, which would usually lead to other "stuff" and he'd tell me that Elvis could have only been so lucky.

He never cared what I looked like. Whether or not I had makeup on. how much weight I had gained since the last time I saw him. He always told me that he was so lucky to have me, and that he didn't deserve me, or my love. One of the last things he said to me the last time I saw him in July was, "You are so damn sexy, Darlin'." I was walking in front of him about to get into the elevator at the hotel. I turned around and he was blushing because he had kind of said it under his voice and I guess he didn't think I could hear him. Now, I could have maybe understood it if I had made any kind of an effort that morning, but I was prepared for an 8 hour car ride to Alabama so I was not looking my best. That picture of us, that was that morning. I had gotten out of the shower, thrown on minimal makeup, pulled my hair back while it was still wet, put on that cap, and was wearing jeans and a white sleeveless shirt. And that "Darlin'" part?
Made me melt. Everytime. That was his nickname for me. It wasn't necessarily the word, so much as it was the way he said it. I'd give anything to have that recorded somewhere so I could hear it again. I do have three messages saved that he'd left on my answering machine about two years ago... I don't know why I saved them, but I would listen to them before I'd go to bed almost everynight that I didn't actually talk to him. From the first time we talked on the phone, I knew that I wanted that voice to be the first I heard when I woke up, and the last I heard before I went to sleep.

2 steps forward.

2006-10-30T13:51:00.000-08:00

3 steps back.

That's what this weekend was. I'd been doing "okay", then Saturday I had a complete breakdown. We were sailing. And listening to Bob Seger. "Main Street" was playing. It hit me like a ton of bricks out of the clear blue sky.

It was like, all of a sudden, I realized he was gone. That I was never going to see him again. That I was never going to smell him again, other than the jacket that I took of his (but he had washed it recently. I wonder if he knew I was going to want it, and he didn't want it to "smell the smoke"). Or have him nuzzled up next to me in bed. Or kiss him, and have him kiss me more passionately than I have ever been kissed. Or go riding on the back roads in Oberlin sharing a six pack of Bud Light, even though he preferred Coors Light. Or feel the butterflies everytime I would pull into Oberlin, or when he would pull up outside my house.

I loved him so much. More than I ever thought possible. More than I think I will ever love anyone. We had been together about a month when my mother and I drove to Lake Charles, and I was taking her truck from there to Oberlin to stay with Nick. She asked me how things were going with us and I said, "Great. But how is it that being with someone can make me so happy, and being without that same person can make me so miserable?" I don't remember exactly what she told me, I just remember it was something I didn't want to hear and that it pissed me off. What I said held true for two and a half years. When we were together, we were happy. Genuinely happy. My mood would turn sour the closer we got to leaving one another. He would tilt my chin up with his finger, kiss me on the tip of my nose, and say everything would be okay, that we'd see each other again soon. I don't think there was a single time that I'd leave Oberlin, or that he would leave my place that I wouldn't cry. He hated seeing me cry. He would wipe away my tears and hold me tight, and sniff my hair to make me laugh. He always loved the way I smelled. I loved the way he smelled, too. Anytime I would sniff him he would get embarrassed and tell me to stop because he thought he smelled like smoke. He never did, though, which was strange because he smoked a lot. I'd give anything to smell him again.

"X" marks the spot.

2006-10-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

Now I realize this may be morbid, but I had to know where he did it. Turns out there are three tanks, not two. And the catwalk runs across the left of all three. The ladder to get up to the catwalk is at the end of the tank at the bottom, and he did it at the end of the catwalk at the tank on the top. He used a tie down strap. You know, the kind with the ratchet on it? It was red.

I found out a little more information. Apparently, he tried carbon monoxide first. There was a tube/hose attached to his tailpipe, with something taped over it/stuffed into it to try to force the CO into the cab of his truck. I'm sure he either got frustrated because it wasn't working fast enough, or he got sick from it and couldn't stand it any longer.

Also, you know how they say that people hang themselves because it's quick since it typically breaks the person's neck? His neck wasn't broken. How long did he hang there, suffering? Did he try to get out of the rope? Krystal and I figured out that he couldn't have been more than a foot or two off the ground, so the fall probably wouldn't have hurt him. Why didn't one of the knots fail? Why didn't he use too much strap and his feet hit the ground?

I'm making a trip to Oberlin in the next couple of weeks. I'm going out to where he did it. Krystal said she's going with me, that she won't let me go alone. She said that there are several people that want to go, but most of them don't think they can just yet.. I don't know if I'd rather go alone, with Krystal, or with some of Nick's friends...

The Guilt.

2006-10-26T13:43:00.000-07:00

I'd have to say that the guilt has been the worst emotion I've felt through this.

I feel guilty because I am apparently the only one who knew Nick was having issues with depression. I begged him to get help, to go talk to someone, or to see his Dr and get on meds, but he wouldn't hear of it and got very angry anytime the subject came up. At one point, I told him I was going to tell his mother and he told me that if I did that he would never speak to me again. My selfish needs of keeping him in my life kept me from telling his mother, who could have possibly talked him into getting help since they lived in the same house and she saw him everyday.

I feel guilty because of the hateful things I said to him the last time we talked. I've definitely learned my lesson on that. After our last conversation, I chalked my anger up to the Lupron I was on, but can I really use that as an excuse? I know now that there is never an acceptable reason for saying such hateful things.

I feel guilty when I smile, or laugh, or eat normal amounts of food. I know Nick wouldn't want me to walk around miserable, and wouldn't want me to make myself sick, but it's hard going on as though things are normal…

I feel guilty when I get mad at Bear, and I usually only get mad at Bear when I am mad at Nick. Bear is a good dog, but he is a puppy and it's been a long time since I've had to exercise the patience a puppy requires.

Perhaps the most ridiculous thing I feel guilty about is when I see a man who is attractive. I actually chastise myself for it. How retarded is that? Seriously.

I haven't talked to his mom in about a week and a half. I'm not sure why I haven't called her… It is hard talking to her, and not being able to talk to him.

He was in my dream the other night. I had sent him a text message, and he was somehow there right after and said, "Nicci, you know you can't talk to me anymore". Krystal had a dream about him last weekend, too.

My Immortal

2006-10-19T13:41:00.000-07:00

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

by Evanescence

Can I get off this rollercoaster now?

2006-10-17T12:50:00.000-07:00

If you know me, then you know that I can be moody, but this is getting ridiculous. One minute I am sad, then angry, then frustrated, then confused, then overwhelmed. And well, the list goes on.
I'm not sure how many people know exactly what happened, so I'll just put it out there. Nick took his life sometime between 2 and 3 am Sunday, October 8, 2006. He went out to a dead-end road somewhere on the outskirts of Oberlin, LA (where he lived) and he hung himself from a catwalk between two storage tanks. That's the image I keep seeing when I think of him. Not the handsome man that I last saw walking through the parking lot of the Microtel on Lake Street in Lake Charles on July 22, 2006. Not the handsome man who would have done anything in the world for me, whether or not we were together. Not the handsome man who always put everyone before himself, even if it was someone he didn't even know.
Some of you know that Nick and I had a huge fight a couple of months ago, but you might not know exactly what the fight was about. I had finally worked up the nerve to ask him if there was someone else. I'm not sure why, but I just had this feeling that there was. His answer, "I am talking to someone. JUST talking." The first part of this was via text messages. As soon as I got that I called him. I was furious. He swore to me that they were just talking, that nothing physical had happened. Well, I found out last week that he had lied to me about her working at his mother's restaurant (he said she didn't, but she did), so why should I believe what he told me about the status/depth of their relationship? I felt like I had been betrayed, deceived. We had just been together the weekend before. He had gotten a room at "our" hotel the night before I left for Alabama and we had an amazing night together. Then again, anytime we were together was amazing. All I could think was, "Did he wish it were her, and not me that night?". The discussion turned heated, and hateful words were exchanged. I ended up hanging up on him. The last time I heard his voice was at 11:52 August 1st. It's strange that I remember such details, I do realize this, but that's how my brain works. Back to 'that girl'… and it turns out that she IS 'that girl'. She's engaged. To some guy in the Military who is stationed in Germany. Nice, huh? She showed up at the funeral looking like a total tramp. She had on black pants, a maroon camisole with black lace at the top with a white bra, straps showing and everything. I didn't see her until we were at the cemetery, and I wasn't sure exactly who she was before then, but as soon as I saw her walk up, I knew she was the one. She was one of the last people to get there, and stayed pretty far away from everyone else. Apparently, everyone in Oberlin thinks she's trashy. Now, I know all of this sounds really catty, but I really don't care. The police questioned her the day he died, and she lied about the last time she had seen him or talked to him. She went to his mom
s house sometime last week and told the "truth". They saw each other Friday and he told her that he was giving her space and time to decide what she wanted. He had closed his bank account Thursday, and had wrapped up a few other loose ends. So he had apparently been planning on killing himself that weekend. I had refused to believe that he had planned it ahead of time, until I found out about the closed account and the other stuff. I thought he had just had too much to drink while driving around and got sad, which he tended to do when he drank too much, and just decided to do it in the moment.

I have so many questions. And I know that having answers wouldn't make it any easier, but I just can't stop thinking about it. It's like I'm obsessed. I don't want to be, but the only time I am not thinking about it is when I am sleeping (thank God for Advil PM).
Did he love her?
Did he tell her that he loved her?
Does she know what he wanted to be "when he grew up"? That he didn't actually want to be an electrician?
Does she know what kind of shampoo he used? Or soap? Or face wash?
Does she know his quirky habit of getting the excess water off of his arms, back, chest and legs before drying off with a towel?
Did she notice that his hair wasn't fixed how he would have fixed it when he in his casket?
Or that his ring was on the wrong hand?
Or that he would have been so angry to have had a rosary in his hands?

What was he listening to before he got out of his truck and did it? I have a feeling I know, but if it's this one other song, I would throw up.
Was he drinking beer or margaritas before he did it? One thing I know is that he had to have been drinking or he wouldn't have been able to do it.

In two and half years we had some amazingly good times. We had more than our share of bad, but it seemed like no matter what, if we were together, we were happy. Just seeing his face, hearing his voice, could turn my day around.

I want him back.

I need to apologize just one more time. What if he died and hadn't forgiven me?

That day.

2006-10-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

I got the call at around 3:00 Sunday. I was about halfway home from Dallas when my phone rang. It was a LA number that I didn't recognize, so I just let it go to voicemail. I called and checked the voicemail shortly after and the message was from Krystal, Nick's best friend since they were born, literally. I could tell she was upset and crying, all she said was, "Hey Nicci, this is Krystal, I need you to call me back." I debated about calling right then, or waiting until I got home (my battery was really low since my phone hadn't been charged since Saturday morning). I figured the call was about Nick's mom or grandmother since his mom isn't in the best health, and his grandmother is pretty old, and I thought that he just couldn't call me himself... I decided to call her back right then. I never, in a million years, would have been able to prepare myself for the news.
She answered and I said, "What happened?"
She said, "He's gone. Nick's gone. He died."
I have no idea what I said at this point. Everything is/was fuzzy from this point, until I got home at 5:30.
I was driving down I-45 and the traffic was pretty thick, I was in the left lane and was trying to get over to the shoulder but it took me a while to get over there. I told her to hold on and put the phone down so I could make it to the shoulder without hitting another car. When I picked the phone back up, I told her to tell me exactly what happened. I figured he had been in a car accident, or had been killed while working (he was an electrician). When she told me what happened, I didn't believe her. I couldn't believe her. I mean, how could he leave us? Leave his mom? Leave his grandmother? Leave me? Leave everyone that loved him so much? How??
She asked me if I was okay because right then, all I could do was be pissed off. I wasn't sad. I was mad. Angry. I knew my phone was about to go dead so I said I would call her when I got home, and she asked me if I was sure I could make it the rest of the way home… I wasn't sure I could, but I didn't really have a choice. After we hung up, I lost it. Then I got it back together, called my sister who didn't answer, called my BIL, Lance, and all he said was, "I'm so sorry." He already knew. He is the reason Nick and I met. Nick was his apprentice from early 2003-mid 2005 when he turned out. A guy he worked with who lived in Oberlin, the same town as Nick, had already heard about it. Small town USA, I tell you. He asked me where I was, I told him halfway between Houston and Dallas. Then my phone started beeping. I started to tell him that my battery was about to run out, I had to go so I could save some for just in case. No luck. The battery ran out, and there was nothing left. My phone wouldn't turn on.
I really feel like it was for the best, though. Had I been able to talk to my sister, my mom, or Denise, I would not have made it home. I made it the rest of the way home and as soon as I walked in the door and sat down, it was all over. I lost it. I wanted to go back to being numb, to being the way I was in car. I didn't want to be sad. I didn't want to cry so hard I couldn't breathe.
I plugged my phone in, turned it on, and the voicemails started rolling in. Several from my sister, a couple from my mom and a couple from my boss/mom's best friend, Carolyn. They were all worried about me, knowing that I was probably driving when I got the news. My sister had called Carolyn who drove to my place, and over to the office to see if I was back in town yet. I called my sister first, and all she could say was, "I am so sorry." Then I called my mom. She didn't know what to say, or what to do. She asked me if I wanted her to come over and I said I didn't know. She said she and Laird were on there way and were going to stop and get me something to eat, even though I told her I wasn't hungry. Then I called Carolyn and left a message on her voicemail.
I called Krystal to check on her and Ms. Aline (Nick's mom), and to see if the arrangements had been finalized yet. In Oberlin, they do these things really fast. It's not at all unusual for the funeral to be the day after someone has passed, unless it's a Catholic family (Ms. Aline is Catholic, Nick had not been a practicing Catholic for years), in which case there's the Rosary the night before the funeral. They were at the funeral home making the arrangements, Ms. Aline had just picked out the casket, and was trying to figure out what clothes she was going to put Nick in. She couldn't have chosen a more appropriate casket, or clothes for him to wear…as he would have been proud that he looked so handsome, and that the casket is probably something he would have chosen for himself.
I spent the next hour trying to decide when I was going to drive to Lake Charles. My sister wanted me to drive in Sunday night, but my mom and Carolyn thought it would be best if I didn't get back on the road. I was pretty certain that I could not get back in the car for another 2 hours, and make it safely. I decided it was probably best me to head to Lake Charles early Monday morning. I finally got a hold of Denise on the phone and I could barely talk. She came over, thank God. I don't think I could have been alone that evening. All I could see was Nick. Dead. The way he died. I still see that image, I doubt I will ever be able to erase that image, as much as I might want to.

I'm done for now. These blogs are probably going to center around this pretty heavily for a while. I've just got to work through it, and writing it out is the only way I know to do that.

Thank you, Dr. K. Thank you.

2006-09-29T12:32:00.000-07:00

So I called my Dr's office the other day to talk to the nurse about an "issue". She called me back and we discussed said issue, and she really didn't have an answer so she was going through my file and kind of started reading some of his notes out loud. He had actually written the following in my chart: "To begin continuous birth control after Lupron Depot cycle. No prospect of marriage or pregnancy in the near future. Possibly repeat Lupron Depot in 6-12 months, or after next laparoscopy."

Seriously?

Seriously.

Talk about adding insult to injury. I mean, I know all of this, but to have my Dr. actually make note of it in my chart was just depressing.

Ugh.

Stuck.

2006-09-26T08:09:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking of blogs I could post, but I don't.

I feel stuck.

Stagnate.

And I don't like it.

I feel like I want to shake things up, but do I really want to?

It doesn't make sense.

I know.

So done.

2006-08-11T13:36:00.000-07:00

That's right. I am so done being the one to put myself out there in friendships. My time is better spent with friends who reciprocate what I give. Is it always going to be 50/50? No. But I am not going to continue settling for 90% on my end, and 5% on theirs. You're thinking that math doesn't add up, aren't you? Well it does. That extra 5% is just out there. That extra 5% is when I TRY to STOP trying.

Quality, not quantity, people.

It can only get better, right?

2006-08-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have read my other blog, if so, this isn't really new news for you.

Pete, my mom's ex, died on July 24th after a year long battle with kidney cancer. A lot of people have asked how my vacation went, and I feel awful when I say that it was horrible, but it was. I got the call that he had taken a major turn for the worse the night before and that they were only giving him another week or so. You can imagine my surprise when we got the call that he passed away the next day. I was able to get home in time for the Memorial Service, for which I am very grateful. I owed Pete so much. I doubt he knew just how much he meant to me, how much I appreciate everything he ever did for me. He taught me to drive. He wiped the tears off my cheeks when I was 16 and broken hearted convinced that I would "never find a love like that again!". The drama, I know. "Men are like busses," he said, "another one will be around the corner in 15 minutes". He also never told my mom about a $400 cell phone bill I ran up when I was 17 talking to my (then) boyfriend Craig who had gone back to ERAU in Prescott, AZ. Now keep in mind that this was 1993 and there was no such thing as "Unlimited" minutes. I didn't know anything about cell phones and figured there was no way they logged the numbers called or the duration of each call. I was wrong. He never mentioned it to me either. I saw the bill when I was sitting in his office playing Solitaire on his computer. I have so many other great memories of him. He was a (GREAT) father to me when my own was not around. He will be missed by so many people.

I felt so guilty for not being here, and not only because of Pete, but because of Owen, too.

Owen finally got out of the hospital but still has the tracheotomy. They had doctor appointments yesterday to see about having it removed and got some pretty heartbreaking news. It won't be removed for AT LEAST another 5 weeks. I guess it's good news that they think it WILL eventually be removed, right? Denise was telling me that they went to Worship on Sunday and Owen saw someone looking at him so he put the Church Bulletin up so he couldn't anyone, and so they couldn't see him. How sad is that? A 3 and a half year old being so self conscious is enough to break your heart.

And you know how they say bad things happen in 3s? Well, the third was something I was not expecting. I found out the man I've been "seeing" for 2 and half years has been "talking" to someone else. I probably would not have handled it so bad if he had been honest with me as soon as he started talking to her. The last time we were together was the Friday before I left for Alabama. They had been talking for about 2 months prior to that. Interesting, huh?

Come out, come out wherever you are...

2006-08-03T07:16:00.000-07:00

I checked out my statcounter this morning. 60 something visits yesterday and today? Who are you? Tell me.

Pretty please with sugar on top?

Men are like busses...

2006-08-02T08:52:00.000-07:00

There's another one coming around the corner every 15 minutes.

That's what my (ex) step-father told me when I was 16 and was convinced I was going to die of a broken heart, and that I would never find "a love like that again". Ha. I know.

I remember I chuckled through my tears a little. I wish he was here to wipe my tears away, and tell me that again, but he died last Monday of cancer.

It's been a rotten, no good, very bad 2 weeks. What's that they say about bad things happening in threes? Between Owen's ordeal, Pete dying, and the crushing feeling I am having in my chest from last night, I don't know that I could take much more right now.

If I delete posts, will that make it easier?

And the Best Aunt of the Year award goes to:

2006-07-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

Me!

I had my nieces, Cameron and Averie, as well as Hannah, one of their friends, this weekend.

Friday we went to McDonalds for Happy Meals and play time:

And they got free ice cream cones for being so cute and well behaved:

Then we went to the park to tire them out:
Cameron

Averie

Hannah

And it worked like a charm:

Saturday morning we went to Brayden's first birthday party. Best damn birthday cake EVER.

We went to see Cars after the party, went to the wave pool after Cars, and went to the park after the wave pool.

Then we went home, bathed, ate dinner and made brownies.

The were all asleep by 10:00 pm, thank goodness! I don't think I could have gone another minute! Sunday we all went for an early lunch at Joe's and the kids headed back to Lake Charles with their parents. I think my 3 hour nap was WELL DESERVED on Sunday!

I can't wait for July 21st-29th when I have an entire week at the beach with them.

2006-07-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

Going Away

Lately I'm feeling kinda broken,
like a man out of sorts with the world,
and I ain't got no explanation,
and if I did I know I'd sound absurd.

I can't change a thing no matter what I do,
and you don't care what I say,
I can't hide the pain anymore,
ohhh I'm going away.

I just need a way to keep the rain out,
to land with my both feet on the ground,
but every time I go to stand up on my own,
you come along, you come along and knock me down.

I can't change a thing no matter what I do,
and you don't care what I say,
I can't hide the pain anymore,
ohhh I'm going away.

Maybe I'll break out for the mountains,
or maybe I'll head for Mexico,
then you come in beggin' pleading,
you said baby please don't leave me,
but I've made up my mind,
I've made up my mind it's time to go.

I'M MELTING

2006-06-26T14:05:00.000-07:00

Is it possible for your skin to melt off? Because I am pretty sure mine is. If I were outside where it's 90 degrees + I could understand being so damn hot. But I am in my office with the thermostat at 72 and I am so freaking hot. My hands are so sweaty, and I feel like I am sitting on a heating pad.

Guess it's time to break out the ice packs and desk fan.

Good thing it didn't say "Ms. Piggy"

2006-06-22T09:23:00.000-07:00

I'd have plunged from atop the Kemah bridge.

You Are Scooter

Brainy and knowledgable, you are the perfect sidekick.
You're always willing to lend a helping hand.
In any big event or party, you're the one who keeps things going.
"15 seconds to showtime!"

The Muppet Personality Test

Today is officially...

2006-06-16T13:47:00.000-07:00

Hug a menopausal woman day.

I had my first really bad bout with night sweats last night. Woke me up at 2:00 am, didn't get back to sleep until sometime around 5:30 am, only to have to get up at 7:00 am for work. It was disgusting. I had to take a shower and then I couldn't get back to sleep so I read for a while. I am also increasingly emotional. I am pretty much always hyper-sensitive, but this is ridiculous.

A couple of things people can do to help me out:
1. If I say I can't do something, whether it's because I can't afford it or if I am not feeling well, please don't tell me I suck, and please don't be angry with me. This is hard enough. And trust me, I would much rather be out having fun with people who make me laugh and smile, than sitting at home twiddling my thumbs with nothing to do.
2. If I am upset at the prospect of not having children, please don't let the first words out of your mouth be "You can always adopt". I know this is an option, but very few people understand just how desperately I want to conceive a child with a man I love, and experience pregnancy and childbirth. I know it's hard for people to understand, and I honestly don't expect anyone to understand if they haven't been through any of this themselves.

Well, I really thought there were more than two situations I wanted to address...but I've lost my train of thought which also happens fairly often these days. This is not meant for just one or two people. It's meant for just about everyone I know, including people who will probably never read it. I wish I could just tell people what I think when they've upset me or hurt my feelings but I can't. I have not ever been able to do that until it gets to the point where I am going to explode and just write off the friendship completely. I realize that I should not let it get so bad, but bottling things up is just what I do.

So, I guess I should include an update of sorts.

Nick: He did, in fact, come to see me over Memorial Day weekend. We had a good time. If nothing else, I got a ceiling fan and a programmable thermostat out of the visit. If you don't have a programmable thermostat, you should really get one. They are the neatest things ever and I have already seen a pretty big savings on my electric bill. He won't be able to come back here for at least a month because he is working 6-12s...

Lupron: I am a little more than 2 months into the treatment and I am scheduled to get my second of the two three month injections on July 3rd. Did that make sense?... Probably not. The side effects I am finding most difficult to deal with are the weight gain/swelling, lethargy, insomnia, bone/joint pain (esp. in my hands, shins, ankles and feet), hot flashes/night sweats, tachycardia(rapid heart beat), dizziness and mood swings/bouts of anger. I know that all of these should subside sometime around the end of October, so I am just looking forward to that and trying not to get too down in the meantime.

Here are some links to pictures from the last couple of weekends:
6/9-10 My cousin's wedding/Grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary in Lake Charles
6/2-4 Ryan Turner and the weekend of sailing
5/28-29 Nick and Bear

Well, that's it I guess. Not very exciting. Sorry....

Happy news.

2006-05-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

He's coming to see me this weekend. Hopefully Saturday, but definitely Sunday-Monday evening. He hasn't been here in about a year and half. I have no idea what we'll do. The chance for rain keeps increasing for Sunday. I guess I wouldn't really mind if we have to hole up in the apartment for a couple of days. I'm sure we could find some way to entertain one another...